Surebu
by Vinividivinci
Summary: Jack is captured and enslaved by a vicious Goa'uld. Will there be anything left of Colonel O'Neill by the time his team finds him? This story has extreme Jack Whump (and I mean extreme). Don't read it if you don't like whump.
1. Chapter 1

_**So - a new story from me. Please don't worry - I haven't left off Spring Cleaning and will return to it shortly. I have had the flu the last few days and haven't felt like writing. When I did, I was in the mood for whump! So please be warned - the following chapters are full of detailed and gratuitous whump. If you don't like that please do not read! It is extremely whumpish, whumpful, whumply, etc. Very, very full of whump. And did I forget to say there was lots of whump?**_

_**For those of you who like whump - I hope you enjoy. I don't plan for this to be a long story, but you never know with me.**_

It's funny, he thought, how much humans cling to hope, even when reality shows them clearly that there isn't any.

It was a lesson he should already have learned, years ago, when he'd heard that gun go off. He'd known it as soon as he'd seen his son's body, but still, all the way to the hospital the hope had been there that _maybe_, just maybe his son would be all right, would survive.

But he hadn't and Jack had known it all along, in spite of the hope. He should have learned his lesson that day. He wondered why he hadn't.

Because through the succeeding years hope had won out many, many times, that's why Jack. How often had they – his team and him – been in hopeless situations, situations where they were certainly going to die – but where they'd survived? He didn't think he could even count the number. All of those instances had taught him to believe, to _hope_. He laughed again, softly, weakly. He should have known better.

So now he was letting go of hope. The Goa'uld had told him to do that a long, long time ago – he didn't even know how long he'd been here – but he'd refused to listen. He'd laughed at the bastard and refused to give up. His team _would_ find him. They'd keep looking and they'd rescue him and take him home. He knew it, he believed it, he kept hoping for it.

And he'd been wrong. They weren't coming and he was stuck here for the rest of his miserable life. God! This time he sobbed – although again silently – he no longer had any hope of rescue, and he couldn't hope for death because the Goa'uld would make sure that wouldn't happen.

For the first time in a long time he felt utter, complete and absolute despair. Hope had died.

It had been a simple mission – a reconnaissance mission. They were to go and simply observe – and _not_ engage the enemy. They'd had a report, from the Tokra of course, of a new base being built on planet P – something or other – and Sg1 had been sent to gather intel. At first everything had been fine and they'd watched and collected data and information.

It was on their way back to the gate that it had all gone wrong. Daniel hadn't been watching where he was going and had tripped and fallen. Unfortunately they had been walking on a steep path and when he'd fallen it had been down a hillside. He wouldn't have gotten much more than a few scrapes and bruises – and a lot of teasing from his team leader – except for the fact that a passing Jaffa patrol was at the bottom of the hill.

As soon as Daniel had tumbled down, the Jaffa had shouted out and headed towards the hurtling human. Jack had cursed and had taken off down the hill after his archaeologist, followed closely by Carter and Teal'c.

The battle was quick and the Jaffa were soon eliminated but Jack was pretty sure they had already alerted their comrades back at their camp. "To the gate people – quickly."

He'd had to help Daniel, who appeared to have sprained his ankle, while Carter ran ahead to dial the gate. Teal'c watched for any other patrols.

"I'm sorry Jack", Daniel whispered.

"Forget it", Jack answered, "Accidents happen. Let's just get to the gate."

"But -"

"Not now Daniel! I need to listen for the enemy."

He could feel Daniel nod and almost smiled when he thought of the amount of guilt Daniel was carrying. If – no _when_ they made it home he was going to milk this for all it was worth. He could probably get the younger man to accompany him to a few hockey games as penance.

They almost made it. Jack could see Sam and the open gate and Teal'c waiting ahead. He felt himself start to relax when a zat blast hit the tree right beside him.

"Teal'c – get Daniel to the gate!" Teal'c ran up and grabbed Daniel under the arm and hurried towards Sam. Jack turned and began to lay down fire. If he could hold them up for a few seconds they all had a chance.

He actually made it to the stairs and watched as his teammates entered the event horizon. He was only a step away when the blast hit him in the back. His last thought was _damn – no hockey_.

He woke up in the sarcophagus, a feeling of dread and fear washing over him. He couldn't do this – not again.

The face that stared down at him wasn't that of Ba'al – a small mercy that – although it certainly wasn't a pleasant face. Handsome – yes – kind and considerate – definitely not.

"Bring him!" the face snapped. The next thing he knew he was being dragged behind the scum-sucking Goa'uld.

He realized a second later that he wasn't on the planet any longer, but was instead on a ship – a mothership if his memory served. Crap! He just prayed they were still in orbit or it was going to be tricky for his team to find him.

They arrived at the ostentatious, over-the-top, flamboyant and pretentious throne room where he was immediately forced to kneel. He debated standing, but didn't feel like being wacked in the back, so decided to stay down – at least for now.

"Who are you?" the deep echoing voice asked.

Hmm? He wondered briefly if he should give his real name, but then decided against it. He was too notorious and there was too big a price on his head. "My name's Zaphod Beeblebrox", he answered seriously.

He only just caught the nod and the next thing he knew he was flat on his stomach, his back throbbing from the whack from the staff weapon.

"Ow! Whatcha do that for?" he complained.

"Do not lie to me", the Goa'uld said menacingly. "What is your name?"

He pushed himself back up. "Uh – I thought that was a good name. Okay, okay", he held up his hands when he saw the nod again. "My name is John Carter.

"Oooph!" he was on his stomach again. "Why do you keep doing that?" he asked as he pushed himself up again – this time more slowly and more painfully.

"We will keep doing that as long as you keep lying to me."

"How do you know I'm lying?" Jack asked curiously.

"What. Is. Your. Name!"

Jack sighed. "Okay fine – my name is Homer Simp – AAARGH!" He screamed as the pain stick was applied between his shoulder blades. By the time Jaffa stopped he was on the floor – again – tears flowing freely down his face and his whole body shaking.

"Your name?"

"Jack", he gasped, "It's Jack."

"Jack _what_?"

He forced his head up to look at the sadistic monster in front of him. The Goa'uld knew exactly who he was and had been playing with him the entire time. The bastard.

"Why are you asking if you – already know?" he managed to ask. He then cringed in fear when he saw another nod and the pain stick was applied. "O' - NEILL", he screamed. "It's – Jack – O'NEILL!"

Another nod and this time the pain stick stopped. Jack just lay there, feeling sick and dizzy – and frightened. Whoever this was, he knew what he was doing.

"So Jack O'Neill – of Sg1. Why were you on Thesona?"

"Thesona? I have no – AARGH – STOP!"

"You will not lie to me. We can continue this until you die – after which I will revive you and ask again. Why. Were. You. On. Thesona?"

"I – assume – that's the name of the – planet – where you – captured me?" he gasped.

"Of course."

"Oh." Jack forced himself to look up the Goa'uld but after a couple of seconds closed his eyes and laid his head back on the floor. "Don't know."

The next time he woke up it wasn't in a sarcophagus, but rather in a cage. It was too small for him to stand up in or to lie out fully. He had to curl up in a ball, which was hard considering the fact that he felt like hell. He was pretty sure he'd pulled a bunch of muscles – the others were all totally cramped up. He ached in every muscle and joint in his body. Ached? That was a feeble word. He was in agony.

He remained in the cage for what felt like days, although it was probably more like a single day, considering how thirsty he was – thirsty but not yet in danger of dying of thirst. He was still in pain and would have given anything to stretch out – and to have someone inject him with a nice big vial of morphine.

Just at the point where he wanted to start begging for water the door to the room opened and Mr. Sadistic Bastard approached the cage.

"And how are you feeling Jack O'Neill?"

He wanted to respond with some witty remark, but discovered that you need at least a minute amount of saliva to speak properly. All he managed was a cross between a groan and a gurgle – and then felt like he was going to throw up. And wouldn't _that_ be fun?

The Goa'uld – hell, he didn't even know _which_ Goa'uld, ordered his men to open the cage. The next thing he knew he was being dragged behind SB (formerly known as Sadistic Bastard) and back to the ornate throne room. He was again thrown on the floor.

"So, shall we try this again?" the Goa'uld asked. "Why were you on Thesona?"

Jack opened his mouth and immediately gagged. He then started to cough and couldn't catch his breath. The coughing caused his muscles to protest – very vigorously – and he wanted to cry. A moment later he felt a glass being held to his lips and he allowed the cool liquid to enter his mouth.

There was only a momentary sense of relief before he realized that it wasn't water he was being given. He tried to spit whatever it was out, but they pulled a Netu on him and the guards held his nose and poured the liquid in his mouth.

After he'd drunk half a river-full the Jaffa let him go – to fall in an ungainly heap on the floor.

"What was that?" he asked. "Truth serum?"

"Truth – what?" The Goa'uld shook his head. "No", he smiled. "The only truth in that is the truth of the pain it will cause. The drink was made from the root of the coralai tree. It is toxic and causes extreme pain, nausea, dizziness and disorientation. The effects last quite a long time and can be deadly if not treated."

"Why?" Jack croaked out. He knew the Goa'uld liked torture, but it was usually done with a reason.

"Why? Because you disgust me", the Goa'uld hissed. "You humans think you are better than us – that you will defeat us. But you will not. We shall conquer you and you shall obey us. And I'm going to start with you. By the time I am finished with you, you will do my bidding and gladly." He turned to his Jaffa. "Take him back to his cage."

Good old SB had been right. The stuff – from whatever the tree was called – did cause terrible pain, nausea, disorientation – oh, and he forgot diarrhea. Jack writhed in agony for hours, covered in filth. He was left alone in the cage with nothing – and wanted to die.

Eventually the pain started to lessen and he began to return to reality. The first thing he noticed was the smell and the fact that he was covered in vomit and worse. Through the remaining pain he felt a deep sense of shame, even though it hadn't been his fault. Still, he wanted nothing so much as to crawl away and hide.

They left him like that for hours and the despair grew. However, through it all remained a strong sense of hope that his team would find him – or they'd get the Tokra or Asgard out looking and soon he'd be rescued. He wouldn't allow that thought to die.

A while later some Jaffa entered, their faces covered with masks. The held a hose between them and the next thing he knew he was pushed to the back of the cage, his body forced against the bars by the pressure of the water.

They sprayed him for what felt like hours, until he was shivering so badly his teeth actually chattered. Eventually they stopped and he was left in a shivering heap on the floor of the cage. He barely registered the fact that the door was opened and he was dragged out. The next thing he knew his clothes were being cut off of him. He was then thrown back, naked, into the cage.

He'd managed to drink some of the water that had been sprayed on him, so his thirst was quenched but other than that he was miserable. He was freezing and lay in the cage shaking. All he could think about was getting warm.

By the time they finally came for him – by this time he'd totally lost track of time – he was blue with cold. He couldn't walk, so they dragged him down the long corridor back to the thrown room. He heard laughter as he was dragged and knew it was because he must look like an insane –and very naked – mess.

"So – Jack O'Neill, you have returned. How did you enjoy the experience?"

Jack couldn't get the energy to respond, although he knew that he would probably suffer as a result. He was almost surprised then, when nothing happened.

The Goa'uld stared at him for a moment, a smile on his face. "So – this is the great Jack O'Neill, scourge of the Goa'uld?" he laughed. "Now you are nothing but a pathetic slave. Your life is mine to use as I please. Before that however, you will tell me, why were you on Thesona?"

Jack tried to swallow, tried to speak but was too weak, too dry, too cold to do more than grunt. A moment later a glass appeared at his mouth and he quickly turned his head. Not again!

"It is just water", the Goa'uld explained. "Drink it."

He didn't have the energy to fight so turned his head and took a small sip. After that he opened his mouth and drank greedily – it _was_ water. Once he was done the Goa'uld again asked him "why where you on Thesona?"

"No – reason", he managed to say. "We like to – visit – different – planets. I'm thinkin' – of retiring – and am lookin' for a good – place."

He heard the sigh and grimaced, not knowing what was coming, but sure that _something_ was. When nothing happened he eventually lifted his head and checked out the Bastard. "What's – your – name?" he finally managed to say.

The Goa'uld laughed and held up his hand to stop his First Prime – who looked as if he was going to attack the human. "I am Raijin, your god."

"Sorry Raisin, you're not my god", gasped Jack. A moment later he screamed as the pain stick was placed on him. This time the Jaffa didn't go for his back but between his legs. He wondered briefly if there would be permanent damage.

"You really are a very stupid man, aren't you Jack O'Neill?" Raijin asked. "All you have to do is answer my one question and this will stop."

"And you'll let me go?"

"No", the Goa'uld answered. "I told you – you are to be my slave. But you can suffer pain as my slave – relentless pain – or you can obey me and _not_ feel pain."

Jack took a deep breath, wondering if it really mattered if he told the guy why they were there. It's not like they were doing anything other than gathering information. If Raisin _knew_ that it might not be a good thing either. "Not your slave", he murmured. "I'm free and always will be."

The Goa'uld watched the man on the ground for a few more moments, almost admiring the courage and foolishness of the Tauri. "Prepare him", Raijin told his Prime. He then walked slowly over to the quivering human. "Listen well O'Neill", he said softly, "from this moment on you are nothing but a slave. You no longer have a name but will be referred to as Surebu. Now take him."

Jack was dragged by the Jaffa, but not back to his cell. This time he was taken to what looked like some kind of workshop. He was pulled over to a metal table in the middle of the room and thrown on it. His wrists and ankles were tied to the corners and then they left. He was all alone.

He had no idea what was to be done to him, but he was frightened – probably more frightened than he ever had been, except when in the hands of Ba'al. He closed his eyes and again prayed that his team would come. They were good at miracles and now would be the time to pull out a big one.

But they didn't come and Jack lay there, all alone, cold and terrified. The longer he waited, the more the fear grew. He knew that that was what the sadistic bastard planned. Torture wasn't only physical. Sometimes the psychological was worse.

He'd totally lost track of time before the door slid open and someone arrived. He immediately turned his head and a man – he thought it was a human – approached him. He was dressed plainly, not like a Jaffa, and had no expression on his face.

"So, who are you?" he croaked.

The man didn't respond, didn't even look at him. He simply turned and walked to the side of the room where there were cupboards and a long counter with a number of objects laid out. Jack couldn't see much from where he was, but he didn't think the things there meant anything good.

"Uh – my name's Jack. Who are you?"

Again there was no response at all.

"Okay, why don't I call you Marvin?" he said. There had been an old guy who'd lived down the street from him when he'd been a kid. He'd terrified a young Jack because he never said a word, he just stood and stared at the young boy. For some reason this guy reminded him of that man.

A few minutes later 'Marvin' returned. Without speaking he grabbed Jack by the hair and lifted his head. He then quickly placed something around his neck.

"Ow! What are you doing?"

Again silence. A few seconds later Marvin took something that looked vaguely like a corkscrew and placed it against the metal collar around his neck. There was a vibration and then agony as something burned. It fortunately only lasted a few seconds, but his neck continued to hurt.

"What the hell was that?" he gasped. By this time he didn't expect any reply but kept talking, more to comfort himself then anything.

Over the next few minutes the silent man moved back and forth between him and the cupboard. He placed metal bracelets on his wrists and then his ankles, each time holding the small tool against them – Jack figured out it was to seal them closed. There was now no way to get them off without cutting them.

Once finished with that Marvin moved up to the table and stared down. Jack was shaking from a combination of cold and fear, but there was no way in hell he was going to let that defeat him. He scowled at the guy. "Cat got your tongue or do you not understand me? What is wrong with you?"

The next thing Jack knew, his mouth was wrenched open and something was placed between his teeth. He tried to fight it, tried to bite the guys fingers off, but obviously he was well used to this and in a few seconds Jack was lying there with his mouth forced open.

He watched as dear sweet Marvin retrieved a new tool and returned to him. All he held was some kind of long metal rod. It didn't _look_ too bad, but Jack was pretty sure it was. There was nothing good coming his way,that he knew.

The pain was excruciating and he started to scream, but within seconds the screams died out. It wasn't because the pain stopped, but because his voice went away. The rod had been placed down his throat and then turned on. Marvin held it there for a few seconds, until Jack was silent – the only evidence of his pain the tears streaming down his face.

The thing was taken out from between his teeth and he was able to close his mouth, but the pain in his throat continued. He didn't know what had been done, although he suspected. He was pretty sure he would no longer be able to speak.

There was only one thing more he had to endure before he was again dragged back to his cage. His silent torturer walked over to him, a long metal rod in his hand, it's end glowing. Jack closed his eyes, knowing what was coming.

This time his scream was silent and mercifully he passed out after a few seconds. In those seconds though he'd known. He would wake up with the mark of Raijin on his chest.

A bucket of freezing water thrown in his face brought him back to consciousness. It only took mere moments before he felt the pain return. His chest and throat were agony – on top of all the other pains that had accumulated since he'd been taken captive.

Four Jaffa were standing outside his cage, laughing and making comments about him. He couldn't understand them as they were speaking Goa'uld, but he could tell ridicule when he heard it.

The next thing he knew he was being grabbed and pulled out of the cage. Rather than being forced to stand and walk he was shoved to the ground. One of the Jaffa leaned over him and the next thing he knew, a chain had been attached to the collar around his neck.

"Come Surebu! Come dog!" The Jaffa pulled on the leash and began to drag him by the neck. He started to choke, all the while the Jaffa laughed at him. He was eventually able to get to his knees and quickly crawl, just so that he could breath.

"He will make a good pet", one of his guards said.

"And quiet!", one of the others laughed. "No barking!"

"No, that's true. Come Surebu!"

Jack wondered for a brief moment what Surebu meant. He was pretty sure it wasn't anything good, but that was the least of his worries. He was half dragged down the hallway as it was impossible to keep up with the Jaffa on his hands and knees. He'd tried a couple of times to stand, but had always been pushed down.

"Dogs don't walk on two legs!" he'd been told.

Eventually they made it to the throne room, where he was dragged, red-faced and choking up to where Raijin was sitting. He was thrown down in front of the Goa'uld, where he stayed, too exhausted and in too much pain to move.

"Ah, he has been prepared, that is good. I have guests tonight and I want to show off my new prize. Can he speak?"

"No, his voice was removed."

"Good, good." Raijin stood and descended the two steps to his throne down to where Jack was lying. He took his foot and kicked the prone man. "You would not answer my simple question Tauri, now you can no longer speak. But that is as well as now you are nothing but my pet." He turned and sat again. "Iwai, take him away but bring him back when I call you."

Jack lifted his head slightly, to see Raijin's First Prime walk toward him. This must be Iwai, although it didn't sound much like a Goa'uld name. He wished briefly that Daniel were here. He'd know who that was.

The next thing he knew he was again being dragged by the neck out of the throne room and back to his cage. Iwai opened the door and basically kicked him inside. The door shut, was locked and he was left alone.

- alone with his thoughts and his pain. He knew things were bad – very bad. In fact, he had a suspicion that he had officially entered hell with no way out.

He tried to gently clear his throat, hoping that whatever had been done was only temporary, although he knew -it probably wasn't. It meant that even if he was rescued his career would be over.

He felt a wave of despair wash over him and laid his head down on the cold floor. For the first time in many years, he began to wish for death.

He'd fallen into a light doze, in too much pain to actually sleep, when the door to his cell opened and then he was grabbed and pulled out by the chain attached to his neck. The Jaffa didn't speak to him but simply pulled him down the hallway. They arrived at the throne room and waited.

Jack could hear Raijin speaking and laughing inside. His guests must be here, he realized. Suddenly he could hear the Goa'uld announce a 'surprise' to his guests. At that he was dragged forward.

Guess I'm the surprise, he thought.

"You have heard about the fiercesome Tauri", Raijin cried. He was standing and speaking dramatically to the group at the table below him. Jack glanced over to see another Goa'uld and what looked like a delegation of important people – or Goa'uld, Jack wasn't sure which, sitting and listening to Raijin.

"And you have heard of their leader, Jack O'Neill? Well, I am pleased to inform you that he is now nothing but my slave, my pet! Iwai, bring him forward!"

He was again dragged to the base of the throne, choking and gasping for breath. As soon as they got there Iwai grabbed him and forced him to kneel. The chain attached to his neck collar was placed over a hook on the wall. Iwai then grabbed his arms and pulled them behind his back. The next thing he knew, his wrists bracelets were attached to those on his ankles. It left him in a horribly uncomfortable position – forced to stay upright, on his knees, with his hands forced behind him. If he tried to relax he would be strangled by the neck collar and chain.

"See him now!" Raijin crowed, circling around his prisoner. "He is Surebu – a mute slave good for nothing but my pleasure!"

There were exclamations of surprise, laughter and congratulations from the assembled guests. They had all seen the Goa'uld empire be decimated, one System Lord at a time, so it made all of them pleased to see their biggest enemy vanquished and humiliated.

The banquet went on for hours while Jack was forced to kneel. His entire body throbbed in anguish and there were many times he was sure he was going to pass out and strangle himself. At one point he even decided to just go for it, figuring they'd bring him back in the sarcophagus if he died. As much as he hated the damn thing, he was almost at the point that he no longer cared.

The only thing that stopped him was Iwai's voice, telling him that if he died he _would_ be revived, but he would be punished horribly for doing so. That made Jack decide to hold on.

As the evening wore on, a number of the guests wandered over to him. None of them spoke directly to him, but they made numerous comments and ridiculed and laughed at him. A few of them even decided to hit and slap him. One of the women took her nails and scored them down his back. The entire time he stayed still, refusing to give them the satisfaction of responding.

Eventually the evening came to a close and the guests retired to their rooms. Raijin came over to him and stared at him for a moment. "I love my little pet", he whispered. "Take him back to his cage", he yelled to Iwai. "He is not to have any food or water until I command it. Enjoy your new life Surebu!"

Over the next days – weeks – months – Jack lost all track of time, the torture and humiliation continued. By this time they had moved from the mother-ship to a planet, but his life didn't change. He was still relegated to a small, dank cell with a cage in the middle of it. He would sometimes be left in his cage for days at a time, only receiving water and the occasional meal when Raijin thought about it. He knew he was slowly starving, but figured the Goa'uld didn't care. He could always bring him back in the sarcophagus.

The worst was when they denied him water. Then the guards would force him to beg for it. He suffered so much from thirst that he would do it – begging like an animal without a voice.

When they _did_ feed him or give him water they wouldn't let him use his hands. They would be restrained behind his back and he'd be forced to drink and eat out of a bowl with his mouth only.

For a long time he'd tried to hang on, to tell himself that help _would_ come and he would be rescued. He refused to let them destroy his humanity, even if they did treat him like an animal.

Slowly though, he was worn down. No one ever spoke to him, other than to give him commands. He was continually ridiculed and humiliated in a hundred ways – often being paraded in front of Raijin's guests or servants, made to kneel for hours, naked and cold. If he tried to look anyone in the eye he was punished. If he was too slow obeying an order he was punished. If he tried to stand or reach for anything he was punished. Slowly, surely, everything was being beaten out of him.

Most of his days were spent curled in a ball in his cage. Often his hands were kept restrained behind him. It was too small for him to lie out and his muscles suffered permanent cramps. It was cold and there was nothing in the cage with him – not a blanket, a bowl or even a toilet. Every few days the Jaffa would come by and use the hose to clean him and his cage but in between he got used to lying in filth.

But strangely, as horrible as it was, his cage became his one refuge. Here no one hurt him or punished him. When he was inside he was left alone. Just like an animal he began to feel safest when in his small sanctuary. It was his space.

Soon he began to exist mainly in his own mind. Unable to handle the real world around him, he retreated. At first he had made himself concentrate on better times. He thought about his family, his team, about his friends and his home. It was hard at first – hard to divorce himself from the painful reality in which he lived. But over time it became easier – easier to tune out the world and concentrate only on his memories.

He wasn't totally separate from reality though – not yet. In fact he tried to take control back one time by killing himself. He knew that it wouldn't really make a difference – but he had to try just in case they'd gotten tired of him and would leave him dead.

On each of his ankle and wrist bracelets there were metal loops that could be used to attach ropes or chains. One of them had broken and he used the sharp end to cut open his wrists. It was incredibly painful as he'd had to really dig, rather than using a sharp knife, but eventually he'd done enough to know it wouldn't be long before he bled to death. He faded slowly – his last dying thought his son.

Of course he woke up in the sarcophagus – and was punished for trying to kill himself. They impaled his hands to a beam and left him to hang for hours. He passed out eventually but not before he knew he would never try to kill himself again – not unless he could be sure to do it in a way that they couldn't put him back together. Unfortunately, he knew there was little to no chance of that.

So now he no longer lived or hoped – he simply existed. Jack O'Neill was no more. In his place was Surebu – an animal existing for the pleasure of a Goa'uld System Lord.

* * *

><p>"We are to take Surebu to the throne room", the Jaffa instructed. "Our Lord has guests and he wants to show him off again."<p>

The First Prime laughed. "He has become Lord Raijin's favorite pet. It is too bad his mind is going. I don't know if he even knows what is happening anymore."

"Maybe he needs a bit more pain to remind him?" the Jaffa replied. "There are things we have not tried yet."

Iwai regarded the slave dispassionately for a moment. "We shall wait until Lord Raijin's guests have left and then we shall see."

Raijin was in his element. There was nothing he enjoyed more than showing off his wealth and power to guests. He had been one of the fortunate ones who had stayed out of the way of the Tauri. He knew better than to try and do battle with them – instead he had moved his empire to the outskirts of the galaxy and stayed away from them and from the Tokra.

Still, sometimes he felt isolated, so when traders came he loved to entertain. He also loved to boast about his conquests, especially the capture of the great O'Neill.

Today he was entertaining a minor Goa'uld by the name of P'tah. It was someone he hadn't come into contact with before, but that didn't matter. He almost preferred the less powerful ones – it allowed him to show himself off even more.

P'tah was accompanied by a number of servants and by his concubine, Ishrani. Raijin found her beautiful and wondered if P'tah would sell her. He had been without female companionship for too long and needed a warm, voluptuous body between his sheets – and she certainly was that.

"Is all prepared?" he asked his manservant, while he kept his eye on the concubine.

"Yes my Lord."

"And is Iwai bringing my pet?"

"He is my Lord."

"Good, good. I love it when they see what I have done with the dangerous O'Neill of the Tauri." He turned back to his guests. "I have a little surprise for you tonight", he announced.

"Surprise?" P'tah asked. "I hope a good one? I am ready for something pleasant with all the bad news across the galaxy."

Raijin frowned briefly. It was true – the Tauri were making more and more headway in their fight against the Goa'uld. For the first time Raijin had begun to worry, as the Tauri seemed to move ever closer to his home world. But then he smiled. No – he had proof that the Tauri were not invincible. "Then I think this will be very pleasant for you. Bring him in!" he called to his servant.

The doors opened and the guests, P'tah and his concubine and the servants with them, watched as a man was practically dragged into the room. He was crawling – if it could be called that – on hands and knees. He was naked, his hair long and unkempt and his beard tangled. He was nothing but skin and bone and looked half dead.

The concubine Ishrani frowned, but when she caught Raijin's eyes on her she smiled. "What is this? It looks like some slave. Did he do something wrong to be punished so?"

"Ah, he is not just any slave!" He walked over to the man who was now still, although he was swaying as if barely conscious. Raijin lifted his chin so that they could better see his face. "Have you heard of O'Neill of the Tauri? Well, this is what is left of him."

P'tah stood suddenly, his face looking shocked. He opened his mouth as if to speak but then closed it just as quickly. At Raijin's look he immediately relaxed and smiled. "I was surprised all right my Lord, surprised and – pleased. It shows what a mighty and powerful god you are to have captured such a one."

"Yes, yes, that is true", Raijin agreed, appearing pleased. He looked over at the woman. "And what about you my dear? What do you think of my little surprise?"

The woman swallowed, her eyes focused on the man in front of her. It took her a moment to answer, but at Raijin's frown she lifted her head. "My lord – I do not wish to doubt you, but are you sure this is O'Neill? It does not look anything like the warrior I have heard so much about."

Raijin laughed and let go of his prisoner's chin. He stepped back and nodded to the guard who was holding the man's leash. "Pull him up so they can see him better", he said. "He looked much different when he arrived, I can assure you. We have had to – train him carefully you see. He is now my pet but used to be uncooperative." He turned and spoke to the slave.

"Isn't that right Surebu?" he asked. When the slave didn't answer he kicked him in the side. The only response he got was a feeble nod of the head, but that seemed to be enough for the System Lord. He laughed and moved back to his seat. "He now obeys me. It amuses me to see him. It proves that the Tauri can be vanquished. It is just that my brother Goa'uld have been too soft!"

"That is so", P'tah answered, reaching over and taking piece of pastry. "You would do well to tell them the best way to defeat the Goa'uld."

"Yes", Raijin looked as if he was considering it, but then sat back. "But I am happy here on my world. If they are unable to handle them well, that is their problem. Now come – you must eat! There is more good food to come."

The Goa'uld and his concubine talked and laughed with Raijin, all the while that the slave Surebu knelt beside them, his eyes glazed and his breathing shallow.

Finally the evening was over and Raijin retired to his chambers. As he left he motioned to the guard. "Remove him and place him in his cage. You can give him water tonight, but no food. Watching us eat was certainly enough for him."

He said goodnight to his guests and then left. P'tah and Ishrani watched as first Raijin left and then the guard who pulled the slave from the room. Neither the System Lord or his servants saw the faces of the guests. If they had, they might have worried.


	2. Hope?

"What is it Daniel?" Sam was working in her lab, examining a piece of technology that one of the teams had brought back from a recent trip through the gate. She was studying it carefully, as if it could mean the end of their fight with the Goa'uld.

"We were called to the briefing room", he told her. "Someone just came through the gate and the General wants to see us."

"Who was it, do you know?" she asked, not showing much interest.

"The Tokra I think", he answered.

She sighed and put down the alien object. "Okay, let's go. What about Teal'c?"

"He went ahead. I said I'd come and get you."

She frowned at him. "Why wasn't I called?"

"Uh – because lately you've ignored it when people call you."

"I don't _ignore_ it Daniel. It's just that sometimes I get busy and don't hear."

"Okay, okay. I just offered to come and find you."

"Sorry", she sighed again, putting her hand through her hair. "It's just – I have to concentrate on things or -"

"Yeah, I know", he said gently. "I do the same and Teal'c's taken to doing way more meditating. We'll get through this Sam."

"Will we?" she asked. "I don't see how. He's gone Daniel and he's never coming back."

"We don't _know_ that. There's still hope."

"It's been seven months. The only thing we can hope is that he's dead – because you know he'd prefer that to having been made a host!"

"Sam!" he reached out to take her arm but she pulled away.

"Not now Daniel." A few seconds later they arrived in the briefing room.

Daniel knew that Sam – hell, that _all_ of them were hanging on by a thread so he didn't say anymore. He wondered vaguely what the Tokra wanted, but found that he didn't care that much. Unfortunately, that was the way he felt about most things now days.

"Major, Dr. Jackson – please, come in and sit down. You'll see we have some visitors."

Daniel looked at the table where two Tokra were seated. One he didn't recognize, the other –

"Anise/Freya? Uh hi."

"Hello Daniel Jackson", the Tokra woman answered. "It is good to see you and you as well Major Carter."

"Uh hi", Sam said. She really didn't like this Tokra at all, but wasn't about to be rude. She gave Teal'c a small smile and then looked at the other Tokra with a questioning look.

"This is D'oral and Samel", Hammond introduced them. "These are my people Teal'c, who you met, Major Sam Carter and Dr. Daniel Jackson."

After the introductions were over everyone sat down and looked at Hammond.

"Our guests requested a meeting with us today. They informed me that they have some important information for us. Please", he turned to the two Tokra, "continue."

"Thank you General Hammond", Anise/Freya answered. "I will start by explaining that we recently returned from a mission to a planet on the fringes of our galaxy. We were sent there to check out a System Lord. Very little is known about him and he stays close to his home planet, but we were concerned that he might have been amassing Jaffa and weapons to attempt to strike out at the Tokra or possibly the Tauri."

"I see", Hammond frowned. "And did you discover this to be true?"

"No. In fact he seems to be very happy to stay on his homeworld. I believe he is worried that so many System Lords are falling and is attempting to keep out of our way – of our respective forces."

"So he doesn't pose much of a threat?" Sam asked.

"No", Freya looked at her. "We do not believe so."

"Okay, then – what's the problem? I mean, why are you telling us this in person. Wouldn't a message have been enough."

This time Samel, the host, turned to Sam and spoke. "I am sorry that I have not met you before, but I have heard many things about the great Sg1", he said. "I know your father, Jacob Carter well", he smiled at Sam. "It was for this reason that I asked if we could come in person to tell you what else we found." His face grew serious and he looked like he was having trouble speaking.

"So, what _did_ you find?" Daniel asked, sounding impatient like Jack, rather than like his usually diplomatic self.

"We found Colonel O'Neill", Freya said gently. "He is being held by Raijin, the System Lord on the planet we visited."

There was dead silence in the room. It was almost as if everyone was frozen. It was Teal'c who was the first to move and to speak. "Has he been made a host?" he asked. His voice contained little emotion, but for those who knew him well it was obvious he was under great strain.

Freya shook her head, but said nothing. It was Samel, after a quick glance at her, who spoke. "No – Raijin is keeping him as his slave."

"God DAMN it!" Daniel stood up suddenly, his chair falling over violently, and made his way to the window overlooking the Stargate.

"Dr. Jackson!" Hammond admonished. "Settle down. We don't know anything else yet." He turned to the two Tokra. "How is he? Did he recognize you? Were you able to make contact?"

A strange look passed between the Tokra and this time it was clearly Anise who spoke. "He is not well", she said gently. "Raijin has treated him – harshly – and no, we were unable to make contact without giving away our identities."

"What do you mean he's not well", Sam asked softly. "What have they done to him?"

Again a look passed between Freya and Samel. It was Freya who spoke. "He has been kept as a slave – a trophy that Raijin brings out to show his guests. He brags that he has captured the great O'Neill. He is -" she stopped and took a deep breath. "He refers to O'Neill as his little pet and treats him -"

"Treats him how?" Daniel asked softly.

"Like an animal. He is chained and kept naked. Some of the guards told us he is forced to live in a cage and is often beaten and starved. I am sorry", she said quickly, "but I don't believe he is -" again she stopped. The fact that Freya – the one who was usually without emotion and the tougher of the two, seemed to look sad.

"I do not believe there is anything left of Colonel O'Neill", Samel said softly. "He showed no recognition of anything and didn't speak or respond in any way."

"Oh God", Sam covered her eyes with her hands. "No – I know the Colonel is still there. He's tough. He's probably just laying low to trick them."

Freya went to argue, but her fellow Tokra took her arm and shook his head. "It is possible. We did not have a chance to see him on his own so we do not know. He may have simply been tricking the Goa'uld."

"He would have recognized Freya", Teal'c said softly. "He would have attempted to acknowledge her in some way."

They all looked at the Tokra woman, but she simply shook her head. "There was nothing", she told them gently. "I am sorry."

It was then that both Daniel and Sam turned to the General. "We have to go get him Sir", Sam said. "We can't leave him there."

Hammond sighed and spoke to the Tokra. "What are the chances of mounting a rescue operation?"

Samel took a deep breath and looked at his companion. "It would be difficult", he said. "Although Raijin isn't interested in conquest, his forces are reasonably strong. He's also put a lot into protecting his planet. I think he fears that the Tauri and Tokra might attack him."

"But he welcomed you?" The General asked.

"Yes – we posed no threat as we arrived in a small ship and there were few of us. We came pretending to want to trade with him."

"I see – and do you think he was at all suspicious?"

"No", Freya answered. "He was too interested in showing off his prize and in lusting after me", she told them. "He suspects nothing."

"Could you return?" Hammond asked. "Would he be suspicious if you were to go back?"

Both of the Tokra considered for a moment. It was Samel who finally replied. "He might be, although he indicated he was interested in purchasing more Homel if we were to get some." At the humans' blank looks he explained. "It is a rare drink made from the nectar of the lalia plant. It is fermented and becomes a very potent beverage."

"Many people say it is an aphrodisiac", Freya explained. "I believe Samel is correct. If we were to arrive, saying we had purchased a number of bottles he would believe it was an adequate reason for us to return. He was willing to pay a substantial amount for the beverage."

"So, let's get some of this Homel stuff and go get Jack", Daniel said impatiently.

"It is not so easy Dr. Jackson", Freya told him.

"Why not?" Sam frowned at her. "Daniel's right. Let's get it and go to the planet and bring Jack back with us. What's the problem?"

"There are two", Samel told them. "One, we need to get permission from our High Council – they may not wish us to return and secondly – it is very difficult to find Homel. It is a rare substance. It may take us many weeks to find it."

"No way!" Sam stood up this time. "We can't leave him there any longer, not if what you're saying is true. We've already left him for seven months! God – and we promised we'd never leave anyone behind!"

"Major", the General said sharply. "You know as well as I do that we tried everything we could to find the Colonel. And I know very well that every team that goes out there spends time looking for him. There was nothing we could do. Jack will understand that."

"Will he?" Daniel asked. "I bet he was counting on us and we didn't save him. God – we've got to go _now_."

"It will look too suspicious unless we have a valid reason to return." Samel told them carefully.

"Look, I'll get in touch with your High Council and request your help. After all we've done for the Tokra, they'd better say yes", Hammond said fiercely. "As for this drink – do you have any at all?"

"We have one bottle", Freya said. "But that would not be enough reason to return."

"No, but if you give me a sample, maybe I could create something that tasted just like it!" Sam said excitedly.

Freya frowned. "I do not believe that would be possible. It is a very unique flavor. Anyone who drinks it would be able to tell the difference."

"So, we give him your bottle as the sample and then have some crates of the fake stuff. All we need to do is get onto the planet, retrieve the Colonel and get out quickly. I'm sure we could do it?" Sam turned to Hammond. "General? We have to try Sir."

After a moment he gave a nod. "Okay – but watch yourselves out there. I don't want to lose the rest of you too. Samel/D'oral, Freya/Anise – thank you. I'll contact the High Council now."

"Yes, thank you", Sam turned to them and attempted a small smile. "Uh, if you have that bottle?"

"I will have to return and bring it back with me", Freya told her. "We will return as soon as we have received approval from the High Council."

A few moments later and the Tokra were gone. It was only then that Sam realized she hadn't even asked after her father. She could only assume he was still on an undercover mission somewhere.

"I can't believe they found him", Daniel spoke softly, still looking at the gate.

"O'Neill is strong", Teal'c said, standing beside him. "We will rescue him and he will be himself once more."

"I hope that's true Teal'c", Sam whispered. "I just want him back."

"We all do Sam – we all do."


	3. Rescue

Sam sat quietly, staring out of the window of the Tel'tak, looking into the vast blackness of space.

It always looks so cold", Daniel said softly as he moved to the seat beside her.

"Mmm. It is."

"I know but I meant – I don't know what I meant. It's beautiful but makes me appreciate Earth."

"It does", she answered, not looking at him.

"It'll just be a few more hours and then we'll find him and bring him home Sam."

"Will we?" As if realizing how depressed she sounded she turned her head slightly and smiled. "I just – worry. What if we get there too late?"

"From what Freya said, Raijin likes having him around. He'll keep him alive, I'm sure of it."

"Alive in body maybe."

"Sam – don't be so pessimistic. It's Jack and like Teal'c says, he's strong."

"How can anyone be strong enough to deal with all that Daniel?"

It was only then that Sam noticed Daniel's stricken expression. She closed her eyes, feeling even worse than she had a minute ago. She knew her friend suffered terrible guilt, feeling it was his fault the Colonel had been captured. She reached out and put her hand on his arm. "Don't mind me. I'm sure he'll be okay, and if he's not, well – we'll _make_ sure. We won't leave him behind Daniel. We'll take care of him."

Daniel nodded and smiled, although it was a weak effort. He was frightened – frightened of what they'd find when they rescued the Colonel. He was also worried about what this would mean for the team, for all of them.

The Colonel was the person who had, in some weird way, brought them together and made them something better – as a group, but also individually. They had become a family, an odd assortment of humans and aliens, scientists and military personnel. He almost laughed when he thought of what they must appear to others. But really, that didn't matter. They were Sg1 and they were going to find their missing leader and rebuild their team.

"Samel informs me we shall arrive shortly." Teal'c walked over to where they were seated. "We shall soon retrieve O'Neill."

"Yeah", Daniel said, slowly standing and stretching. "I guess we'd better change."

Sam and Daniel were to go dressed as servants of P'tah and Ishrani. Hopefully Raijin and his Jaffa wouldn't notice that they were different than the 'slaves' that had accompanied them on their previous visit. Since it was normal for slaves to keep their heads bowed in the presence of their 'masters' they were pretty sure that the Goa'uld and his servants wouldn't pay much attention. They also wore robes that covered them from head to toe.

They had gated to a planet as near as possible to Raijin's planet and there were met by a Tokra by the name of Polan. He was presently piloting the Tel'tak they were riding in and would return them to the gate after the rescue.

"Are you ready?" Freya/Anise approached them to ask. She was dressed in a particularly revealing outfit and Daniel and Teal'c both had difficulty not staring.

"Raijin will be distracted by my clothing", Freya said matter of factly.

"He certainly will", Daniel answered, brows raised. He figured he'd better keep his eyes _off_ the voluptuous Tokra so as not to become distracted too.

"Samel?" Freya asked.

"I am contacting the planet now." He spoke briefly to someone on the planet, a few words in Goa'uld. "We have been given permission to ring down. Do you have the bottle?"

Freya held it up. "Let us go then."

The four of them, plus the bottle of Homel, ringed down to the planet. There they were met by Iwai, Raijin's First Prime.

"My Lord would have me ask why you have returned so soon", the suspicious Jaffa asked.

P'tah laughed. "It is nothing suspicious, I assure you. It is that shortly after we left we came across a shipment of Homel." He snapped his fingers and Ishrani held up the bottle that she had hidden in her cloak. "I have twenty more bottles like this. Your master indicated he liked the drink and so I thought he might be interested in purchasing some more."

Iwai looked at the bottle and then nodded. "Come, he will see you now."

The two Tokra and their 'servants' followed the Jaffa down the long corridor. Not once did either P'tah or Ishrani glance at their slaves. It was accepted that slaves were invisible, only there to serve their masters.

Iwai left them at the door to the throne room and then entered to speak to Raijin. After a moment he returned. "You may come."

"Iwai says you have returned with more bottles of Homel?" Raijin asked jovially.

"Yes, that is true my Lord", P'tah answered. "We have brought one for you to sample but we have twenty more on our ship - if you are interested in buying some of them we could give you a good price."

"Mmm – we shall see. Come, join me for a meal and we shall talk." He looked over at Ishrani again and smiled. "You are looking even more lovely today, my dear", he leered. He glanced back at P'tah. "There may be another deal we can also discuss." He led them to their tables at P'tah/Samel gave Ishrani/Freya a quick look.

"My Lord, might I first ask that my servants be taken somewhere to be fed? I would rather they not always be present when I'm discussing – business."

"Certainly." Raijin clapped his hands and one of his servants instantly approached.

"Yes my Lord?"

"Take these two and feed them in the kitchens", he instructed.

The servant bowed and led the two slaves to the door.

Sam and Daniel followed slowly, after bowing to both P'tah and Raijin. They kept their heads down and didn't speak – until they got out of the room.

"Where are you taking us?" Sam asked Raijin's servant.

"To the kitchens. You will be fed there. You are lucky – my Lord Raijin sets a good table. His servants eat well."

"Really? That's not what it looked like the last time we were here."

The servant stopped and looked puzzled. "What do you mean? My Lord treats us well."

"We saw one of his slaves the last time and he looked like he was starving."

The servant looked puzzled for a moment and then he laughed. "Oh, that must have been Surebu."

"Surebu?" Daniel asked. "What – or who – is that?"

"He is my Lord's pet. He used to be the Tauri O'Neill but Lord Raijin captured him and now keeps him as his pet. He likes to show him to guests to prove what a great and powerful God his is."

Sam had to bite her lip and she actually grabbed Daniel's arm to keep him from blasting the servant. She took a deep breath. "It is a great thing to have captured such a one. You must be very proud of your Master."

"I am", he said, his head held high. "We all are."

"Do you look after this – uh – Surebu?"

"Look after him?" the servant laughed. "Oh no – that is my Lord's Jaffa." He laughed again. "Although I wouldn't exactly call it 'looking after him'. I would not want to be him."

"No, me either but he deserves whatever he gets, I'm sure", Sam said.

"That he does!" The servant looked at Sam with admiration as if only noticing for the first time that she was attractive. He smiled at her. Maybe his Lord would agree to buy this one for his favorite servant.

"Uh – what is your name?" she asked, her voice sounding husky. By this time they had stopped in the corridor and Daniel had stepped back, out of the way.

"It is Nijair – after my Master", he said proudly.

"Nijair – it is a nice name." She leaned closer to him, barely brushing her chest on his. "I would be very interested in seeing this Surebu again Nijair – to spit in his face. Could you take me to him?" She leaned a little bit closer, allowing her breath to faintly touch his cheek and her breasts to push against his chest.

"Uh – I don't usually – I'm not allowed to -"

"But I'd never tell", she whispered. "I want to see again what a wonderful Master you have that would capture such a man. I'd be – ever so grateful."

Daniel wanted to grin as he watched the man crumble. Sam very rarely showed this side of herself – for which he was glad. None of the men at the SGC would survive and he was pretty sure Jack would have retired years ago. She was something.

"Come on then – we must go quickly and you will only have a moment."

"Are there guards posted?" she asked worriedly.

"No – no guards. There is no need. He is kept in a cage inside a locked cell." He laughed again. "And even if it were open he couldn't go anywhere. He can't even walk."

Both Sam and Daniel had to hold on to their emotions and keep their minds on the mission.

"Here is the room." Nijair looked carefully to make sure no Jaffa were hanging around. He then put his hand on he keypad and pressed the numbers needed to open the door.

It slid aside slowly, opening on to a small, dark room. The first thing to hit Sam and Daniel was the odor. It stank like a sewer.

"Oh God", Daniel whispered.

"They clean his cage once a week", Nijair said apologetically. "I can close the door again if you wish."

"No, no", Sam answered, her voice sounding slightly strangled. "I came to see him." She took one step in the room and swayed, as if about to faint. Raijin's servant rushed forward to help her when Daniel struck from behind. Nijair crumpled to the floor, unconscious.

Sam didn't even notice. She rushed forward to the small cage – god, it wasn't even big enough for the Colonel to lie out in. In the dim light she could see a figure, curled up, but couldn't tell if he was awake or asleep, conscious or unconscious.

"Sir?" she said softly, sidling up to the cage. "Colonel O'Neill?" There was no movement at all. As her eyes adjusted to the lack of light she wanted to curse. The man in front of her was bruised and battered and nothing but skin and bone. His hair was long and matted and hung over his face. "Colonel?" she said a bit loudly.

This time there was some slight movement from the man in the cage, but he didn't look at her or acknowledge her calling him.

"Is he awake?" Daniel asked, squatting down beside her. As soon as he saw the Colonel he cursed – using language Sam had never heard him utter. "The bastards! I'm going to kill them for this."

"Right now we just have to get him out of here. Check the corridor to make sure no one is coming. I'm going to get this cage open."

He nodded and stood. His legs were shaky but he made his way to the door and watched down the long corridor.

Sam took out some of the tools she'd brought, hidden under her robes. It took a few moments but eventually she was able to break the lock on the cage door and swing it open. She scooted inside, grimacing at the foul odor and the filth inside.

"Sir?" she reached out and gently touched the Colonel. His arm moved away – an instinctive reaction – but he didn't make a sound. She leaned over him and it was only then that she saw that his eyes were open. "Colonel, it's Sam. We're here to get you out."

He didn't acknowledge her in any way. His eyes looked glassy and distant. She knew immediately what the Tokra had meant. He didn't look as if he was here.

Still, they weren't going to leave him here so she had to do something. She reached for his arm and tried to pull but he was a dead weight and she couldn't get the purchase she needed to get him out, especially in the confines of the cage.

"Daniel", she hissed. "I can't get him to come out of here."

Daniel thought back to some of the details given them by the Tokra. He sighed, not liking what he was going to do, but realizing it might be the only way to get Jack to listen.

"Sam" he nodded towards a chain on the wall. "Uh – he's used to being led by that. Maybe he'll come if -"

"_Daniel!_ I'm not putting a leash on him and dragging him around like a dog."

"I know it's awful Sam, but that's better than leaving him here. Come on, we don't have much time."

She thought for a second and then nodded. With a sinking heart she retrieved the chain and crawled back in beside the Colonel. "I'm sorry for this Sir – we need to get you out of here." She clipped the chain onto the metal loop on his collar and gently tugged.

He immediately forced himself to his hands and knees, clearly weak and in pain, but he managed it. He knelt there, swaying but upright. Sam slowly backed up and gave a very gentle tug again on the chain. She almost cried when the Colonel moved forward, on hands and knees.

"Oh God Daniel", she said, feeling sick.

"I know", he answered, suddenly having an urge to shoot a Goa'uld.

"What now?" she asked. They'd gotten him out of the cage but they couldn't walk down the hallway with him like this. They'd be discovered in a moment."

"We do what we agreed on." Daniel proceeded to pull out a cloak that he'd kept bundled around his waist. He moved over and knelt beside Jack. "I'm going to put this on you, okay Jack? Don't worry, we won't hurt you. We're here to get you home."

The Colonel didn't look at him but continued to kneel on hands and knees, staring down at the floor.

Daniel had a bit of a hard time getting the cloak on his friend but eventually he did it. He pulled up the hood over the Colonel's face. "Okay, but you're going to have to help me Sam. I don't know if he can walk."

"I will. Let's put the servant in the cage", she said. She felt very little sympathy for the man, although she recognized that was probably unfair. He didn't know any better.

They got Nijair into the cage and Sam zatted him for extra measure. She then went over to the Colonel and together with Daniel they pulled him upright, his arms held over each of their shoulders. "Okay, let's go."

The two of them half carried, half dragged the unresponsive man down the corridor towards the ring room. This was the most difficult part of their plan and where everything could fall apart.

When they arrived at the room Sam let Daniel hold on to the Colonel and she stuck her head into the small window of the door and smiled at the Jaffa inside.

He came and opened the door. "What is -" He fell to the floor from the zat blast. Another couple of shots and he disappeared.

Daniel looked at her with his brows raised. "Uh -"

"He deserved it", she growled. "Come on Daniel!"

The three of them made their way inside the ring room, although Jack was still being carried by his two teammates and friends. "How long do you think they'll be?"

"Should be any minute."

P'tah and Ishrani shared a light lunch with the Goa'uld but the talk was all about a deal for the Homel. Once that had been agreed upon, Raijin then started to bargain for the concubine Ishrani.

She didn't seem at all perturbed by the thought of being sold. She was probably used to it by now, thought Raijin. P'tah was a tough bargainer, realizing the real lust that Raijin had for the woman.

Finally a deal was sealed and Raijin sat back, happy with the day's work. He now had twenty bottles of his favorite drink and a new concubine to enjoy. The only thing that would top this would be to bring Surebu out and let him watch the party!

"I will need to return to my ship for the Homel and Ishrani will need to gather her things", P'tah told him.

"She doesn't need anything" Raijin laughed. "I will provide more than she could ever need."

"Why thank you my Lord", Ishrani smiled. "But these are a few trinkets that have meaning for me. They were given to me by my mother and make me happy to have with me. And you _do_ want me to be happy, don't you?" she said, sliding over to him and whispering in his ear. "Because when I'm happy, my Master is even more happy."

Raijin stared at her for a moment, ready to throw her down and take her now. Instead he smiled. "Go get your trinkets." He turned to P'tah. "I shall be here with the payment. I look forward to doing business with you."

"My too My Lord. You have been most gracious."

"And can you bring me more Homel when I need it?"

"Indeed – that shouldn't be a problem. I shall return in say – two moon cycles?"

"That's good. Now go. I want what I've purchased." As he said this he was staring at Ishrani.

He had his Prime Iwai take them to the ring room while he sat back and contemplated his new possessions. Life was good for Raijin.

"My Lord is pleased", the Prime said as he escorted the two guests. "That is good."

"Yes well – we're happy to oblige. I think we received mutual pleasure from the deal."

"I will have your servants sent for", Iwai told them.

"No – leave them be. I will bring them back with me on my return. For now I'd rather not let them see where I put my goods. Slaves are always thieves you know."

Iwai nodded. At that moment they arrived at the ring room. He put in his code and the doors swooshed open. A moment later he had disappeared as well.

"Do you have him?" Samel asked quickly, not shocked by what the Earth woman had done. The fewer Jaffa the better, as far as he was concerned.

"Yes. Come on – let's get out of here before they figure this out." Just then a siren could be heard. They had discovered that the prisoner had escaped.

It only took a few seconds, until they were back on the Tel'tak. "Get us out of here quickly Teal'c", Sam commanded. With only a nod the former Jaffa took the Tel'tak out of orbit and to full speed.

They could see Raijin's ships following them and begin to fire. In a few short seconds however, they'd moved into hyperdrive.

"We are safe", Teal'c declared. He then turned over the controls to Polan and turned towards where his teammates were carefully laying the Colonel down. "How is he?"

Sam's anguished face looked up at him. "Bad Teal'c. Really, really bad."


	4. Broken

_**Thanks everyone, for your lovely reviews! I'm home sick with flu (hence the severe whump – my misery was a catalyst to inflict pain on poor Jack). It has also enabled me to update quickly. I don't plan for this to be a long story as I have two others in progress and don't want to leave my faithful readers hanging on those.**_

_**As for the whump – the bad stuff was in chapter 1 and the rest of the story is mainly about the psychological (and physical) aftermath. So for any that avoided the 1**__**st**__** chapter you shouldn't worry. If I do decide to go with more whump (unlikely) I will definitely warn people.**_

_**When I feel better I'll probably write a story with flowers and babies and romance!**_

_**Thanks again!**_

The three friends knelt by their commander and simply looked at him for a moment, unsure what to do next. O'Neill had curled back into a fetal position and, although awake, was staring at nothing. He didn't seem to even be aware that he had changed locations and was now safe.

"Should we try and clean him up a bit?" Sam asked. He was filthy and smelled, although that was he least of their concerns. From the little she had seen of him before Daniel had placed the cloak on him, his body was sporting new scars along with many contusions and bruises. She couldn't begin to imagine what he'd been through.

"How long until we reach the gate?" Daniel asked Polan.

"Another three hours."

"Maybe we should simply leave him be for now and let Janet handle it. We don't know how seriously he's been injured. Let's keep him warm and give him something to drink." Sam forced herself to stand and went and retrieved her canteen. She stopped halfway there and impatiently pulled off the robes she was wearing. They made her hot and reminded her too much of the planet they'd just left.

"How is O'Neill?" Freya/Anise stopped her on the way back.

Sam wanted to snap at the Tokra woman, until she saw the true concern in her eyes. And then there was the fact that Freya/Anise had risked their lives to save the Colonel. "He's in a bad way, but we don't think it's anything that's immediately life threatening. We'll wait to get back and have Dr. Frasier look at him."

"I can examine him if you wish?"

Sam took a deep breath and forced a smile. "Thank you, but I think it's better if we let Janet handle things. She knows him really well."

Freya nodded in understanding. "If there is anything I can do, please let me know."

"I will and – thank you." She reached out with her hand and then, at the last minute, reached over and hugged the woman.

Freya started in surprise, but then gave a small smile. "You are welcome. We – value – O'Neill as well."

"Come on Sam, I want to give him some water." Daniel looked up at her impatiently.

"Sorry, here."

"Jack, here's a canteen. Can you drink?" Daniel held it to his lips and poured a bit in but the water simply flowed out of his mouth. "Damn! Come on Jack, you need to drink." He tried again and this time it looked as if O'Neill swallowed a little."

"Keep trying", Sam told him. She kneeled down on his other side and gently put her hand on the Colonel's. "We're here Sir."

As she touched his hand she felt something strange and looked down. "What the - !" The back of the Colonel's hand had a wicked looking scar. She puzzled at it a moment and then carefully turned his hand over until she could see the palm. "The bastard!" she hissed.

"What is it Major Carter?" Teal'c had been mostly quiet during this time, although he had stood over O'Neill as if guarding him. "What is wrong?"

She lifted Jack's hand and showed it to the big man.

"Kree Shal Kek Raijin!" he spat.

"What is it?" Daniel looked between the two of them, startled to see Teal'c so lividly angry. "Sam – what's the matter?"

"It looks – I think they crucified him Daniel. Look at his hands."

This time it was Daniel who swore. Polan looked around, startled, and only relaxed after Samel spoke to him softly.

"I wish we'd killed the bastard!" Daniel said.

"As do I Daniel Jackson. But now is not the time. First we must help O'Neill and then we shall return and remove the monster from this universe!"

Sam would like to have pointed out that the Air Force wasn't about to let them go on a mission for vengeance, but one more look at the Colonel's hands had her agreeing totally with Teal'c. They would definitely hunt the bastard down and kill him.

Daniel kept trying, over the next hour, to get drops of water into the Colonel. Although he would swallow a bit, he didn't respond in any other way and they grew more worried as time went on.

"Look, we can't expect him to sit up and say 'Howdy Campers' after a couple of hours. It's going to take time for him to come back", Sam told them, although it was more to convince herself than any of the others.

Sam looked down at the man on the floor and wanted to cry. He looked so lost and alone. She realized suddenly that he was lying on the cold hard floor without anything under him. She made a soft sound and then grabbed the cloak she'd worn and rolled it up. "Here Sir", she said softly, placing it under his head.

That got the first reaction they'd had from him, but it wasn't one they had expected. He actually appeared distressed and moved until his head was again lying on the floor. Sam frowned, wondering what was going on.

"He is not used to it", Teal'c explained. "He has had no comfort for many months and does not know what to do with it."

"HELL!" shouted Daniel, standing up quickly and moving away from his friend.

That too got a reaction and Jack curled up even tighter than he had been before.

"We're scaring him", Sam said. "We have to calm down." She carefully reached out and touched the Colonel's arm and began to stroke it gently. "It's okay Sir. We're here and we're not going to let anyone hurt you."

He continued to lie there, unresponsive except when startled. None of them could get through to him, no matter how much they spoke with him.

"What did they call him?" Teal'c asked suddenly.

"What?" Sam looked up at him.

"They did not refer to him by name. They called him something else."

"Raijin said he took his name from him", Samel said, approaching them carefully. "They called him Surebu, but I don't know what that means. I believe he was punished any time he responded to his real name so that he would come to reject it and only respond to Surebu."

The three teammates looked both sick and angry. It was Sam who pulled herself out of it and turned to Daniel. "Do you know what it means?"

"No – not offhand. It's not a Goa'uld word is it?" He looked at Teal'c and the Tokra but they all shook their heads. "But then Raijin isn't a god from the Egyptian pantheon either. I'll have to look it up when I'm home."

Sam suddenly looked over at the Colonel. "Surebu?" she said softly. The Colonel turned towards her and tried to move. "No, no, that's okay. Just stay still." She looked up at her teammates, tears in her eyes. "He responded to that. He's not Jack O'Neill, just Surebu now."

"No way Sam – he's just been conditioned to respond to that. Jack is still there and we're gonna make sure he gets better. Janet will know what to do."

A short time later Polan told them that they were approaching the planet with the gate. Sg1 would take the Colonel home through the gate while the Tokra remained on board the Tel'tak.

"Thank you, all of you", Daniel said. "We couldn't have done this without you. We owe you for this."

"You do not owe us anything Daniel Jackson", Freya answered. "We were glad to help our friend and comrade. If there is anything else you need, do not hesitate to contact us."

After saying goodbye, the humans exited the Tel'tak and made their way to the gate. They carried Jack on a mobile stretcher they'd brought with them. They laid him down at the base of the stairs to the gate and Sam began to dial.

"Tell the General to clear the gate room", Daniel said suddenly. "Jack would hate it to have a bunch of people gawking at him in this state. Tell him it should be Janet and her staff only."

Sam nodded and then dialed. She spoke briefly to the General and then waited ten minutes. With a nod she finally indicated it was time.

Teal'c and Daniel picked up either end of the stretcher while Sam walked beside the Colonel. Without a single look back they entered the event horizon and were immediately on their way home.

The moment they were through things started happening quickly. Janet approached and immediately took charge. She had them lay Jack down on the gurney that was waiting. She then took one look at the Colonel and her face hardened, appearing as if it was set in stone.

She began tossing around orders to her staff, completely ignoring Sg1. Soon the Colonel was hooked up to an IV and was on his way to the Infirmary. The whole thing had only taken a couple of minutes, but when she left everyone looked like they'd just experienced a hurricane.

General Hammond was one of those. He finally looked at the rest of Sg1, who continued to stand there as if uncertain as to what to do. "Good job team. You brought him home."

It was Dr. Jackson who lifted his head, his eyes filled with tears. "I hope so Sir", was all he said.

The General nodded. "Go get cleaned up and then meet me in the briefing room. It's going to be a while before we hear from Dr. Frasier and in the meantime you can tell me what happened."

Janet looked down at her patient as they walked through the corridors to the Infirmary and felt herself fill with rage. Even from the brief look at the Colonel she could tell he had been put through hell. She just prayed that she'd be able to put him back together again after this latest episode. Privately – and she wouldn't say this to a soul – she already had her doubts.

"Let's get this this robe off of him", she called as soon as they arrived. She knew he needed to be cleaned up, but first she needed to see if there was anything more urgent to deal with. She ordered blood work and fluids and soon had him hooked up to all the 'hoses and wires' as the Colonel put it, that he needed.

He would hate this, Janet thought as she began to examine him. The Colonel was an intensely private man and he hated to be poked and probed. She glanced up and started when she saw that his eyes were open. Crap – he was awake.

"Colonel", she said softly, moving up to his head and looking down at him. He didn't acknowledge her, but suddenly, without warning, he moved. He tried to curl up on his side, disturbing the tubes and IV's that were running into and out of him.

"Help over here", the doctor called. It was amazing how strong he still was as he resisted lying flat on the exam table. They had quite a fight on their hands, although at no time did Jack look at them or speak.

"We may have to restrain him", she finally called out. She hated it – sure that psychologically it would be torture, but she didn't know what else to do. First she called for sedatives to see if that would be enough to calm him down. After a few minutes he began to relax and the nurses were able to straighten out his limbs.

Janet then looked at the metal bracelets – manacles really – that adorned his wrists and ankles and the large one around his neck. She winced when she saw the scarring and bruises caused by the metal rubbing against his skin. She'd have to get them off before sending him for XRays or an MRI. "And get Siler down here stat to see if he can remove these things", she called. She looked down at her patient and sighed.

"Oh Sir – what are we going to do with you!"

"Dr. Frasier wanted to see me?" Siler arrived at the doors to the Infirmary, tool kit in hand. So far only the medical staff had been informed that Colonel O'Neill had returned. The General knew that people would begin to stream to the Infirmary to find out how he was and he wanted the staff to have a little space.

"Yes. I'll send Dr. Frasier out to explain."

A moment later the good doctor arrived. Siler frowned when he saw her face. Usually Doc Frasier was pretty calm in the face of the worst disaster, but this time she looked pale, and as if something terrible had occurred. He stood up straighter. "What can I do for you Doc?"

"Siler", she smiled and rested her hand on her arm. "Something -" she paused and took a deep breath and tried again. "I need you to help get metal manacles off – both the wrists and ankles and one around the neck."

"Manacles? Did one of the teams come through the gate in trouble?"

"Well yes – so to speak. Siler, it's Colonel O'Neill."

"_What_!" He looked shocked – something unusual for the normally calm and unflappable handy man and engineer.

"It's true. The Tokra discovered that he'd been kidnapped and kept as a slave by a Goa'uld. Sg1 was able to find him and bring him back."

"But he's got manacles on? Is he okay otherwise?"

"No, not really. Look, I'd rather you not say anything to anyone else right now. You know the Colonel, he values his privacy. He was treated cruelly and will have a lot to overcome but he's strong. The first thing we have to do is get those damn bracelets and the choker off. Can you do it?"

"I'll try", he said, looking determined. "Where is he?"

"Right through here. Come with me." She stopped right in front of the door. "He looks bad Siler – he's lost a lot of weight. But physically he's going to be fine, okay?"

Siler nodded. "I'm ready Doc."

When Siler saw the Colonel he stopped and drew in a quick breath. God, the man looked like something out of the concentration camps. He felt a quick surge of anger. "I hope they killed the bloody Goa'uld!"

"Me too", Janet agreed. "What do you think about the manacles?"

Siler looked at them for a moment and finally nodded. "I'll have to cut them off and it's going to be tough, but I think I can do it. I'll need to cover his wrists and ankles with something sturdy in case the cutter slips."

Janet raised her brows at that, not liking the sound of that. "Okay, what do you suggest? All we have are bandages and I don't know if they'll be sturdy enough."

Siler thought for a moment and then nodded once, quickly. "I know what I'll get. I'll be right back."

In the end it took almost two hours to get everything cut off. The easiest was actually the neck collar as it was the thinnest.

"Thanks Siler and remember, please don't tell anyone about this."

"I won't Doc. Uh – look after him please. And if there's anything else I can do, let me know."

"I will, thank you."

Janet looked down again at the Colonel, agreeing with Siler that he looked like he had just been released from a prison camp. "Oh Sir!"

Now that the metal had been removed, Janet knew it was time for XRays and an MRI. She got her team moving again in order to get the tests done as quickly as possible.

By the time all the tests came back Janet was even angrier – if that was possible – than she'd been before. The tests confirmed that there was nothing immediately life-threatening, although he was severely dehydrated and malnourished. His kidneys were on the verge of shutting down, but she hoped that with careful hydration and drugs they could save them.

Other than that, there was evidence of numerous broken bones, many of which had never been set properly. They were going to have to have an orthopaedic surgeon rebreak and set some of them again. There was severe bruising over a large part of his body and evidence of burns. They may have been from a pain stick, although the one on his chest was obviously a brand, although it wasn't new and head healed.

There was extensive soft tissue damage including torn tendons and ligaments as well as pulled muscles. She could see definite muscle loss in a number of areas, and shortening of others – probably due to being held in a confined space.

Over all he was in bad shape – but his physical wounds would heal, although he'd probably have some permanent effects from some of them. She needed to have a surgeon look at his hands. They'd been pretty damaged and she didn't feel capable of determining what needed to be done. For now the fingers looked okay although they curled inward as if the tendons and bones had been damaged – which was likely considering the look of the wounds.

"Damned Goa'uld", she muttered.

"What Doctor?" Lieutenant Nial asked.

"Huh? Oh, nothing. Just muttering to myself. Keep a close eye on him. I want someone with him every moment."

"Of course", Nial nodded. "Uh, would you like me to clean him up now Ma'am?" She was looking at the Colonel with compassion so Janet sighed and smiled. "Yes. He'll feel much better for that. I'll help you."

"Of course Doctor", the nurse smiled. "Uh, what about his hair and beard?"

"We'll have to cut his hair pretty short I'm afraid – we should check for lice – and definitely get rid of the beard. It's just not – the Colonel with it on."

Nial smiled and nodded. She knew how important this man was to a lot of people on the base. And the truth was, she'd always had a bit of a crush on him, even though everyone knew he was secretly in love with Major Carter.

It took a long time to get the filth off of him and even longer to cut off his hair and beard. They were both so matted that eventually they had to use an electric razor to shave his hair extremely short. Fortunately there were no lice, but once the hair was gone they could see, even better, how gaunt and sick O'Neill truly was. They could also see a number of bruises and cuts all over his head and face.

"I can't believe anyone would do this to another person", the Lieutenant said as she worked. "What kind of beings are they?"

"The Goa'uld? They're power hungry monsters – but no different then some people on this planet", Janet muttered. She knew, as well as anybody, the awful things that humans had and continued to do to one another.

Once the Colonel was cleaned up they moved him to a permanent bed, carefully moving all the lines, wires and machines that were hooked up to him. Janet regarded him closely and wanted to cry at how small and thin and sad he looked. "I hope you come back to us Colonel."

Then, with a sigh she nodded to Lieutenant Nial, who was the first duty nurse and made her way out to the corridor where she was positive Sg1 would be waiting.

"Janet!" Sam immediately stood up. "How is he?"

"Doc? Is he okay?"

"How does O'Neill fare?"

She looked at the Colonel's three teammates and friends and gave them a small smile. "Mind if I sit? I'm exhausted." She walked over to one of the chairs and plunked herself down. All she wanted to do right now was sleep, but she knew she first had to reassure his friends.

"The Colonel is doing as well as can be expected", she said.

"Janet!" Sam scolded. "Come on – we don't need the public line."

"It's not Sam. It's the truth. He was hurt – tortured – badly for months. His body has suffered severe trauma, although much of it has healed over time. Right now the main dangers are severe dehydration and the effects on his kidneys. Those, at least, are the most immediate things. But there's been a tremendous amount of tissue and bone damage and the Colonel is going to need some surgery and a lot of physical therapy. We also have to watch out for infection from some of the long standing wounds."

"But he will get better?" Teal'c asked.

"Physically? Yes, I think so. Oh, he may have some long-term problems – in fact I expect he will. His knees are a mess and they were bad to begin with so – it won't be a hundred percent recovery but he will recover."

"What aren't you telling us?" Daniel asked.

Janet sighed. "Nothing – as far as his physical health is concerned. I'm not going to go into detail because that's privileged information. But we all know that his physical wounds aren't the most serious thing in this. It's the mental and emotional trauma."

"And what's your prognosis?" Again it was Daniel who asked.

"I don't _have_ one, not at this point. He was just brought in and I'm no psychologist. He may start to get better as his body heals or he may not. I have no way of knowing. So far he hasn't really been aware of anything, although he did resist lying on his back."

"Why would that be?" Sam asked curiously.

"It's because he spent the last seven months in a god-damned cage that was too short to hold him", Daniel snapped.

"That's probably near the truth", Janet admitted. "He's used to being on his side. I expect too that that was a protective way of holding himself. He probably feels less vulnerable that way."

"So what did you do?"

"I gave him a sedative, but I can't keep doing that. I might have to restrain him."

"Janet – no! You can't do that, not after what was done to him."

"I know Sam – believe me it will be a last resort. But I can't have him hurting himself or others. Look, right now all we can do is wait. We need to get him healthy and then we can figure out what to do about the other."

"Can we see him?" Sam asked.

"Just for a minute. I have him in intensive care and nursing staff will be with him every moment. I'm afraid there isn't room right now for you. The nurse needs clear access to him."

Sam nodded, although Daniel looked upset.

"Look, in a day or two we may move him back to a regular room and then you guys can stay all day if you want. For now though, don't spend more than five minutes with him. He's sleeping and won't know if you're there or not."

Janet closed her eyes and leaned back as he team made their way into O'Neill's room. She sighed and prayed that the Colonel was going to be okay.

Daniel, Sam and Teal'c approached the bed quietly. The nurse on duty gave them a smile and a thumbs up, indicating he was doing well at the moment.

Daniel reached the bed and stopped cold. This couldn't be the Colonel – not the pale, gaunt man covered in bruises and cuts. He could see the brand just peeking out over the bandages on Jack's chest and wanted to curse, probably for the tenth time that day.

"He looks – so small", he whispered. "Oh Jack."

Teal'c looked down at his friend and didn't speak, although after a moment he reached out and placed his large hand over that of his friend and brother.

Sam didn't know what to do. She wanted to reach out and touch him, hold him – but he looked so fragile, as if anything would break him in two. She could feel the tears start to fall and finally took his other hand in hers.

O'Neill's three closest friends – people who were more like family – stayed with him and simply prayed, and wished and hoped that he would soon be better and that he would once again be the Colonel, the man, they all knew and loved.


	5. Sanctuary

Lieutenant Nial stayed with the Colonel until her shift ended and then explained everything as Nurse Baker took over for her.

"He's resting calmly and hasn't woken up, but the sedative may be wearing off soon. He has trouble lying on his back, so be prepared to call for help if he gets too restless. Dr. Frasier is staying on base tonight and wants us to call her if there are any changes."

"Thanks. I can't believe it's actually him! Everyone thought he was dead or that he'd been made a host. It's a miracle that they found him", Baker said softly as she looked over at the sleeping Colonel.

"Never count out Sg1 and miracles", Nial replied. "I'm off home now and to bed. It's been an exhausting day. Good luck and don't forget to call Dr. Frasier if his condition changes."

"I won't Terry. Thanks." Angela Baker went over to the Colonel and shook her head at the condition he was in. "Poor man", she said softly. No one was saying anything, but she was pretty sure all the medical staff knew that things didn't look good for O'Neill. They had all trained in PTSD and trauma and with all that he'd been through, she was positive he had a long road ahead of him.

Baker checked on the Colonel every few minutes and also sat watching the monitors at her station in his room. He was well respected and well liked by just about everyone on base and she was going to make sure she watched him carefully. So far his vitals had remained pretty steady, although she noticed him starting to get a bit more restless. Still, he continued to sleep and she hoped she wouldn't have to deal with anything too onerous. It wasn't that she worried for herself, she just didn't want the Colonel to have to go through any more.

She checked her watch. It was 2:00 am and time for her to give Colonel O'Neill his next round of meds. She went to get the vial of antibiotic from the cupboard, but for some reason it wasn't there. "Damn it!" she muttered. Someone had forgotten to stock the cabinet and now she'd have to go and get another one from the dispensary down the hall.

She checked on the Colonel one more time but his condition hadn't changed. He seemed to have settled down and was resting peacefully. She debated for a moment whether to call anyone, but then decided it would only take a couple of minutes to get the medication and she hated to disturb the doctor who, she was sure, had had a rough day.

Once more checking the Colonel she then headed out and down the long hall. She would go quickly and be back in a couple of minutes.

The moment she left the Colonel's eyes had opened. He had known someone was near, but had pretended to sleep. He wasn't really aware of much, other than that things had changed and for him change usually meant something bad was going to happen – and he grew even more frightened.

That, of course, was a pretty constant state of being for him. In fact, it was one of the only emotions he experienced any more. But this time the fear – the terror – was worse. He was again lying flat and didn't know what they were going to do to him. He glanced around quickly, knowing he had to find his space, his place of safety before they came back. Maybe they would forget about him and leave him alone. That was the best. That is what he preferred, even if he starved and was cold – to be alone meant he wasn't being hurt.

He turned and felt suddenly disoriented. Where was he? What were all the – things – coming from him? He panicked and began to pull at the tubes and wires. Some of them hurt but he didn't care. He needed to get away, get to safety.

Once he'd managed to remove everything he could see, he forced his legs over the side of the table – or whatever it was he was on. He slid to the floor and immediately landed in a heap. It hurt even more and he wanted to cry out, but of course he couldn't. He had no voice. He was nothing, he was no one and didn't deserve to be heard.

He looked around, even more terrified. Where could he go? He needed his place. He needed to be safe.

He looked under the bed – although he didn't know that's what it was – and saw that it looked like a place of safety. The rails were down, so fell below the mattress and made it look like a small cage underneath. It looked familiar to him. It looked safe.

He pulled himself under the bed, having to lie flat to make it under the rails. Once there he curled back into a ball and felt himself relax – only slightly. He could never be totally safe because he knew they would come. They would come and hurt him again. But for now, for now he was alone.

Angela returned to the Colonel's room, medicine in hand. She glanced down at her watch as she opened the door and saw that she'd been gone for less than five minutes. She walked over to her station, glancing at the bed as she walked. She had to blink a couple of times as the room was dark to enable the Colonel to sleep. It took her a moment to see that the bed was empty. She stopped dead.

"Oh my God!" The Colonel was gone. The covers were disturbed and his IV's had been pulled out, but he was nowhere to be found.

The nurse ran to the door and looked out, trying to find the Colonel. He couldn't have gotten far. Knowing that she couldn't wait, she pressed the alarm button and picked up the phone.

"Dr. Frasier? It's me, Nurse Baker. The Colonel is gone. I stepped out of the room to get his medicine and when I came back he'd disappeared. No", she said after a slight pause, "I was gone less than five minutes. I don't know Ma'am. I don't see him anywhere."

After hanging up she began to look in other rooms in the Infirmary, but he was nowhere to be found. "Where the hell are you Colonel?"

Just then Janet Frasier raced up the hallway, followed closely by a pajama clad Daniel Jackson and Samantha Carter who was sporting a flannel bathrobe. Soon after Teal'c appeared, although he was fully dressed.

"What is it?" Sam asked. "What's happening?"

"Colonel O'Neill is missing", Janet told them, without looking at them. "Nurse Baker, report!"

"I don't know Ma'am", she said, almost in tears. "I was gone for less than five minutes. I timed myself. I checked him carefully before I went. I had to get his medicine. When I came back he was gone. I've looked all over the Infirmary, but he's nowhere."

"How the hell could he disappear?" Daniel asked. "It's not like he's a small man for God's sake."

"We're trying to figure that out Daniel", Janet snapped. "We'll have to look again. He has to be somewhere."

"I would suggest checking in small spaces such as closets or cupboards", Teal'c said, sounding calm. "He is used to being in a confined space and may have tried to find somewhere where he feels safe."

"That sounds logical Teal'c", Janet nodded. "Let's check everywhere folks, including closets, bathrooms, anywhere he might fit."

Everyone began to frantically hunt for O'Neill. It was Teal'c who, after a few minutes of searching, returned to the Colonel's room. The lights were still dimmed and he peered around the room, not seeing anything. He was just about to leave when he heard a small sound. He stooped and looked again, and then he walked forward, slowly.

It was only when he reached the bed that he thought to look down and saw the figure, curled into a tight ball on the floor. O'Neill was pressed right against the wall at the head of the bed, his arms wrapped around his knees, which were pulled tight to his chest.

With a heavy sigh Teal'c knelt down. "O'Neill", he said softly.

The man tried to scramble to the far side, pulling himself into an even tighter ball. Teal'c cursed at himself. He should know enough not to use O'Neill's name. "Colonel, it is I, Teal'c. I will not hurt you."

O'Neill remained frozen in place and Teal'c wondered what to do. He finally realized that he probably wasn't the best one to be here. He was frightening the man – probably bringing up visions of Raijin's Jaffa.

He stood slowly. "Do not worry my friend. We will not hurt you." He turned and slowly walked to the door, hating that he was leaving O'Neill, but knowing he needed to find someone else to help him.

"I have found him", he announced to the others when he saw them gathered in the corridor. "He is under his bed."

"Oh God, we should have looked there", Janet said. She began to rush forward, motioning to Nurse Baker to follow her.

"Wait Dr. Frasier", Teal'c said gently. "He is very frightened. I believe someone should go in and attempt to speak with him first and reassure him."

"We need to get him into bed Teal'c", Janet said. "It's cold on the floor and we need to get him back on the IV's – and I need to check to see if he pulled his catheter out."

"I understand, but I feel that we should reassure him first. It cannot be me. I believe he fears me because I am Jaffa."

"I'll go", Daniel said. "I'll talk to him."

"Wait Daniel", Janet reached out and held his arm. "I think it should be Sam."

Daniel frowned. "Why? I'm his friend too."

"Yes, of course you are. But according to what I've been told, it was the Goa'uld's Jaffa who – hurt him. As far as I know there aren't a lot of female Jaffa. I just think he might respond better to a woman. I'd go, but he associates me with pain and needles", she gave a little smile. "He knows and trusts Sam." She looked over at her friend. "Will you do it?"

"Of course", Sam answered. "Uh, can someone get me a blanket? I'll try and cover him up while we're there."

Nurse Baker ran and got her a blanket. "It's been in the warmer, which should help."

"Thanks."

"And do not forget Major Carter, that you must not call him O'Neill", Teal'c instructed.

"Okay, but I'm not going to refer to him by that awful name either."

"Just call him Colonel, or Sir", Janet said gently. "Now go. I need him in bed as soon as possible."

Sam nodded and opened the door to the Colonel's room. "Sir, it's me Sam. I'm coming in to see you. Please don't worry. I'm not going to hurt you." She walked into the room slowly, her eyes growing accustomed to the dimness gradually. When she reached the bed she slowly squatted down and bent her head so that she could see him. The sight that met her eyes made her want to cry.

Gone was the tough, strong man with a sharp wit and loyalty to his friends and team. In his place was a hurt, broken man, terrified by everything around him.

She lay down as flat as she could and squeezed herself under the railings until she was lying under the bed as well. She moved closer until she was just behind him. He was lying on his side, with his back to her.

"Here Sir, you have to be cold. I'm just going to put a blanket on you, okay. Don't worry please." While she spoke she unfolded the blanket, pleased to note that it still felt warm. She gently laid it on his shoulders first. He started and tried to pull away, but she kept talking to him softly, telling him that everything was okay, that she was just trying to help him. Eventually he settled and allowed her to cover him with the blanket.

She again wanted to cry at how he seemed to snuggle into it and at the soft sigh that escaped from his lips. If it was true that he had been kept naked the entire time he was captive, he must have been constantly cold. She remembered briefly back to his cell and how chilly it had been.

"There Colonel, that should help you get warm. I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder, okay?" He didn't move or respond, so she carefully touched him. She did it very lightly so that if he wanted he could have moved out from under it. But he didn't, so she left it there.

A moment later she began to rub his arm, her touch remaining light. She moved her hand to his back and carefully rubbed in circles, continuing to speak to him as she did so.

"It's so good to have you back Sir", she whispered. "We missed you so much. _I_ missed you so much. It just wasn't the same without you. When you're all better we can go to your cabin and spend some time fishing in that lake of yours. And we can cook over a fire and tell camp stories and look at the stars. I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you."

She continued to gently rub his back, and she could feel him relax, just slightly, although he continued to hold himself in a tight ball.

"I bet even Teal'c would want to go. Even though he doesn't like mosquitos, I know he'd want to spend time with you. He wasn't the same without you here. He no longer made any Jaffa jokes and he didn't want to watch movies or go off base. And Daniel – you should have seen him! There was no one for him to bug and no one to tease him. We were all just – really, really sad."

Although O'Neill hadn't moved, she could tell there was something slightly different in his pose. It was almost as if he were listening to her, or at least to her voice. She wished she could see his face, but figured that this would be less frightening for him.

"We tried to find you Sir", she said suddenly. "We looked and looked, everywhere we could think of. We sent word to all our allies and they looked as well. Every time a team went out they looked for you. The General was finally ordered to stop, but he let us know that we could still search, even on other missions. I'm so sorry it took us so long to find you. I don't know if you can ever forgive us for leaving you behind! But we didn't want to Sir – we really didn't want to."

She began to move closer to the Colonel as she spoke, until eventually she was close enough so that she was able to spoon him with her body. He immediately flinched, but after a few seconds relaxed. He was beginning to believe she wasn't going to hurt him.

"Colonel? What about getting back into bed now? Janet is worried that you're on the floor. She wants to give you some more medicine and I think you'd be a lot more comfortable in the bed."

He didn't move, or respond although by this time she wasn't surprised. She wished he would say _something_, even if it was a grunt but the entire time he remained totally silent. She could hear him breathe, however, and the fact that his breathing had gotten slower and more regular was at least a good sign.

"Well, I guess this is kind of cozy. It reminds me a bit of Antarctica. Do you remember that Sir? At least it's warmer here."

For some reason – she was never to know what it was – this caused the Colonel to turn slightly. He let go of his legs and allowed them straighten out a bit. He then edged over so he was less on his side and more on his back.

"That's it Sir", she said, patting his shoulder. "I'm right here Colonel and I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to help you get better, okay?"

At that there was sudden movement and the Colonel flipped over and was now facing her. He still didn't look at her. As far as she could tell, he hadn't looked at anyone since they'd found him. His eyes always focused down or away from any of them and were doing it still.

However he was facing her, which was a huge step. "That's the way", she said, sounding happy. She again lifted her arm and put her hand on his shoulder. "We're going to help you Sir, just trust us."

She slid towards him, checking carefully to make sure it wasn't frightening him. She was now only inches away and could feel the heat from his breath. She so wanted to hug him, to tell him that he was going to be all right, but instead she carefully put her arm around his shoulders and lay still.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, neither of them moving or making a sound. Sam was starting to wonder how she was going to get the Colonel back into bed, when she saw something that just about broke her heart.

The Colonel was crying.

There was no sound but she could see the tears rushing down his cheeks, dripping onto the cold Infirmary floor. He barely moved and she would never have known if she hadn't seen the glisten of his tears.

"Oh Colonel", she breathed, leaning her forehead against his. "I missed you so much."

That did it. His body was suddenly wracked with sobs, although he continued to make no sound, other than breathing and the occasional sniff. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and held on, rocking him gently like a hurt child.

The lay together like that for what seemed a long, long time. Sam was getting cold and her muscles were starting to cramp and it suddenly dawned on her what just a tiny portion of Jack's experience must have been – sleeping for months on the cold, hard ground with no blankets or pillows. She prayed for the day when she could get to Raijin and kill him for what he had done.

He finally settled down and the tears slowed and his quiet sobs ceased. She gently wiped the tears from his face with her thumb and this time he allowed it without appearing frightened. "I think we need to get you back to bed", she said finally. "Will you come?"

Of course he didn't respond so she sighed. "I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way Jack." She unwrapped her arms from around him and went to pull away, to talk to the others, when a hand flew out and his arm went around her. He attempted to pull her back, although he was so weak he wasn't able to do much other than let her know how much he needed her.

"You don't want me to go?" she asked.

His arm pulled a little tighter.

"I guess not." She sighed. "Okay, here goes nothing! Hey guys!" she called. "Can you lift the guard rail so we can get out of here?"

A moment later someone lifted the rail so there was now more room to crawl out from under the bed. Sam again started her slow movement back, but this time she kept her hand on Jack and gently pulled him toward her.

He resisted at first, but she started speaking with him, and after a moment he began to follow her, although it was slow going. Every few moments he would stop and retreat a few inches. She would talk to him and he'd move towards her. His fear was fighting with his trust in her.

Sam finally made it out from under the bed and Jack was almost there. She glanced at the others who were all watching silently, and motioned for them to back away. The last thing she needed was to freak him out now that she just about had him out from under the bed.

"There you go Sir. You're almost there. We're going to get you into a nice, soft, warm bed. Would you like something to drink? I bet you're thirsty. When you're better and we can get you away from Janet's clutches we'll all go have a beer together, won't that be great?"

Jack was now lying under the edge of the mattress and looked as if he was trying to decide whether to go all the way, or to scurry back under the bed. It was Sam's hand on his arm, and the light squeeze she gave it, that convinced him to come out.

"That's wonderful Sir. You did a great job", she told him, stroking his arm as she spoke. "Now all we do is need to get you back into bed. Do you think you can stand?"

Of course he didn't answer, but she had to get him into bed as quickly as possible. Even with the blanket she could tell he was getting cold. "Uh Janet?"

"What Sam?" the good doctor answered quietly.

"I need some help getting him into bed. I think it should be either you or the Nurse."

"I'll let Angela – Nurse Baker – do it. She's taller than me and that should make it easier to handle him."

"Sounds good. Nurse, can you come over here slowly?"

"Of course Major." Nurse Baker got down on her knees and slowly and carefully made her way towards the Colonel. "Okay, now what do you want me to do?"

"I want to get him upright. I'll move down a bit and if you stay there we'll see if we can get our arms under his shoulders and help him to stand. Just go slowly so as not to frighten him."

Sam moved slowly away from the Colonel and this time he _did_ react. His arm shot out towards her, even though he pulled it back before touching her.

"It's okay Sir, I'm not leaving. I'm just going to try and help you get up. And this is Nurse Baker. She's really nice and she's going to help me. She won't hurt you, I promise."

The two women got into position and then it was Sam who reached out and touched Jack again. "I'm going to try and pull you up Sir. See if you can help a little. This may hurt a bit, but I'll try and be as gentle as possible, okay?"

She moved so that she could put one arm behind his back and under his right arm. His left arm she wrapped around her shoulder. It was awkward as he was lying on his side, but with a deep breath she braced herself and tried to sit up.

At first he did nothing and she struggled to lift him but a few seconds later she could tell he was actually trying to help. They managed to get him a few inches off the ground so that Baker could move into position and put her arm around him from the other side, taking some of his weight.

"I've got you Sir", Nurse Baker said quietly. "You're doing great. We'll soon have you back in the nice cozy bed.

It took almost ten minutes, but finally they got the Colonel sitting and then into a standing position. He was unable to put any weight on his legs, so they bore it all, but it was only for a few seconds until they managed to seat him on the edge of the bed.

Sam took a deep breath and then spoke. "That was fantastic Sir! Great job. Now we're just going to get you to lie down, okay?"

He didn't resist as they moved him back on the bed and then lifted his legs so that all of his body was now on the mattress. He lay prone for a few brief seconds and then curled up once again, his knees tucked up to his chest.

The two women took a couple of seconds to get their breaths back, although Sam kept her eye on the Colonel the whole time. He seemed to be okay, although it was hard to tell as he still wouldn't look at her.

"We made it Colonel", she told him. She reached over and put her hand on his arm and was surprised when his hand came up and covered hers. She winced to see the horrible scar and the fact that his hand was curled and lacked any strength or ability to move – but he was touching her voluntarily.

"Do you want me to stay?" she asked softly. She looked at the Nurse, who had tears in her eyes, but who smiled and nodded at her.

"I think he does Major."

"Sir?" She could feel Jack's hand move, just a bit, as if to grip hers. He couldn't, of course, but she nodded. "I'll stay with you, don't worry."

Sam sat on the edge of the bed and was quite surprised when he moved over a few inches, as if to make room for her. With a surprised look at Janet, who stood by the door, ready to fly into action, she raised her brows.

"Lie down next to him", Janet mouthed.

Sam frowned, unsure as to whether that was a good idea or not. "Uh Sir – would you like me to lie down with you?" She closed her eyes briefly, thinking to herself that she would never have imagined ever saying such a thing to her commanding officer.

His hand again moved and this time she took it to be a 'yes'. With a slight shake of her head she moved until she was lying on her side, next to the Colonel.

"Okay, we need to get the IV's back in." Janet slowly approached the bed, trying to check the Colonel over while she did so. The IV's would have to go back in, as would the catheter, although for now he seemed to be doing okay after giving them all the scare of a lifetime.

"I think he's okay", Nurse Baker said to her as she approached. "I can clean up the injection sites and replace the IV's."

"Okay", Janet nodded. "Just go slow and don't panic him."

Baker nodded. "Uh – I'm so sorry Ma'am. I made a mistake and -"

Janet held up her hand. "It's okay. You couldn't have known that he'd do that. And next time we'll know not to leave him alone, even for a second. I should have realized. The Colonel has always been tricky about trying to escape the Infirmary!"

The Nurse smiled and then moved to get her supplies. She watched the bed where the two Air Force officers lay, and couldn't help but shake her head in wonder.

Sam kept at least one hand on the Colonel at all times. She was beginning to realize that he needed the connection, the sense of touch. She again thought back to all the Tokra had told them and what they'd been able to observe in the little time they were there. It was clear that Jack had received little or no comfort and _had_ been treated like an animal. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like to have been hurt, humiliated, _tortured_ for months and never have any one acknowledge you, offer you comfort or sympathy or hell, even treat you with a tiny bit of humanity.

"Daniel, can you go to my quarters and bring my down pillow and comforter", she told him softly. "Also bring my IPod and speakers."

"Uh okay", he answered from the doorway. "Can I ask why?"

"I think we need to make this environment as different as possible from where he was kept. He needs comfort and softness and color. I'll play some classical music and maybe we can even get some flowers in here. He needs to be surrounded with sights and sounds and touch that are pleasant."

"That's a good idea Sam", Janet nodded. "Can you stay where you are?"

"Yes, I'm fine. I'll keep talking to him while you guys do that."

"So Colonel – how do you feel about some music?" she asked softly. "I don't know if you're up for opera right now, although I know you like that. I think it might be a bit heavy. How about some Mozart or Vivaldi? Wouldn't that be nice. And Daniel's bringing my comforter. I think you'll like it. It's very snuggly and you can curl up under it and feel warm and safe."

She felt his hand move again and she wiggled closer. "Do you feel cold?" She was pretty sure that he must, even if a lot of it was psychological at this point. And then there was the fact that he'd lost so much weight. He needed to feel warm and without pain and be surrounded by beauty. The Colonel didn't need anything frightening or dark, not now and not for a long time.

A moment later she heard Daniel return. She glanced over, to see him carrying her pillow and comforter. Teal'c was right behind and carried her speakers. He must also have her IPod. "Let me have the pillow Daniel."

"Here Sir, how about we put this under your head. It's nice and soft." At first he didn't move and she remembered trying to give him her cloak as a pillow on the Tel'tak, but this time, when she placed the pillow under his head, he burrowed down into it. "I think he likes it", she said.

Next she motioned to Daniel to lay the comforter down on the bed. She managed to rearrange it so that it was covering both of them. Again, Jack seemed to relish the feel of the warm down blanket. "It's nice, isn't it?" she asked.

A few seconds later the soft strains of Mozart were filling the room. Teal'c had set up the speakers with her IPod. Almost instantly she could feel Jack begin to relax. A few moments later she felt, rather than saw, that his breathing had grown slower and deeper. He was asleep.

She lay next to him for a few more minutes and then slowly got up so that the Nurse and Janet could do their jobs. She left with Teal'c and Daniel to give the Colonel some privacy.

A while later Janet appeared. "He's all fixed up and didn't even wake up. Nicely done everyone."

It was only then that Janet realized that Sam was in tears and was being held by Daniel. Teal'c had his hand on her shoulder.

"Oh Sam", she said softly. "You did great in there. That was a huge step forward."

"Janet – he's so lost, so frightened!"

"Of course he is", said the doctor, trying to be strong. "He's been hurt – but you're doing exactly the right things and he has a good chance of getting better. Just keep up what you're doing."

Sam nodded and stood up, backing slowly out of Daniel's arms. "Thank you", she said to her friend.

"Anytime –you'll probably have to return the favor soon", Daniel said, wiping his eyes with his arm.

"Can I stay with him?" Sam asked suddenly.

"Of course", Janet answered. I just want to make sure you're getting enough rest. Don't overdo it Sam – or any of you. Jack is going to need you for the long haul so don't overtire yourselves in these early days."

"Okay", Sam nodded and was followed by Daniel agreeing as well. Teal'c simply raised an eyebrow.

"I'll go in now, if that's okay" Sam smiled. "I don't want him to wake up alone."

Janet nodded and the others watched as she returned to the Colonel's side. "Daniel, why don't you go and rest, and you too Teal'c. You'll need to spell Sam."

"I do not believe O'Neill wants me near him", Teal'c told her. Although there was little emotion in his voice, those who knew him well understood how much he was hurting.

"It make take a while Teal'c, but he will eventually. I'm sure of it."

As soon as Sam entered the Infirmary room all the sounds from the hall faded into the background. She gave a quick look to the Nurse, who smiled at her and then turned to her monitors. Sam walked forward until she came to the Colonel.

Jack was lying under the thick covers, his head cradled by the down pillow, There was some color in his cheeks, the first she'd seen since he'd been back, and for once he was still and peaceful.

"Oh Sir", she said, collapsing onto the chair beside the bed. "You really are in there, aren't you?" She reached under the blanket and took Jack's poor, mangled hand in hers, and wept some more.


	6. Warmth

_**Thank you wonderful readers for your kind reviews. As long as they keep coming, so will the updates! Although I am not a big sports fan, I must admit that I'm pleased the New England Patriots are off to the Superbowl. Seattle, you're on!**_

He didn't know what was happening. His life had suddenly changed, but he didn't understand how or why. At first the terror of experiencing something different, of being taken away from the place in which he now existed had consumed him. He kept expecting more pain, more humiliation – a variety on what had become his normal day-to-day existence.

The people who had taken him were speaking, he could hear their voices but he didn't know what they were saying. It was as if the words washed over him like icy water – freezing his every thought and response.

He'd felt a brief moment of safety when he'd crawled into the space that reminded him of his cage. For a few short minutes he was alone and no one was there to hurt him. And then the Jaffa had come.

He was sure the pain would start soon. He'd be dragged out and taken before Raijin and he would be tortured and treated like the animal he knew he'd become. He'd be shown off to Raijin's guests - and they would laugh at him and hurt him too.

It was his life.

But then, the Jaffa had left and _she_ had come. This was different and he didn't know what to do. He thought she had been one of the ones that had taken him, but he had been too terrified to really notice her. But now she was here – alone with him – and he no longer knew what to think.

She continued to speak and then she got down and came into his cage. He was confused. His captors never entered his place. They would put the leash on him and force him to leave the safety of its confines or they would drag him out or command him to come, but they never joined him.

What did it mean? He grew frightened and tried to move away, but she continued to speak - softly.

Her speaking – it was different than he'd grown used to – to the anger and hate and ridicule. She looked at him, she spoke gently to him, she smiled at him, she treated him – like a human being.

But he wasn't that – not anymore. He needed to get away. No, he wanted _her_ to leave. This was his place of safety. He needed to be alone.

But then she put something on him. At first he was worried, but then he felt the warmth. And she continued to speak gently to him. He was weak and he allowed himself to enjoy the strange feeling – the feeling of being warm and of being spoken to.

She placed whatever it was all over him and he allowed himself to sink into the warmth. He wanted to cry from the feeling. It had been so long.

Then she reached out and touched him. At first he wanted to move away – to flee, but it felt so good. Someone was touching him, and it wasn't to hurt him. The next thing he knew, she was caressing his back.

Oh God! He remembered this. He remembered being touched by someone who – _knew_ him, someone who saw him as something other than an animal. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to _feel_, to feel the warmth and to feel the touch.

He listened to her voice, which was also soothing, although he still didn't connect with what she was saying. He'd gotten so that he heard and obeyed commands but would block everything else out. Usually anything said to him was to degrade or humiliate him and he'd made himself stop hearing.

He started to drift, for the first time, in longer than he could remember, he felt warm and safe. It was then that he heard a word - a word that brought up a picture in his mind. It was a picture of him being someplace cold, someplace where he was also hurt and in pain but where he felt safe and cared for.

Antarctica.

He turned towards her, driven by some instinct that he couldn't explain. He knew her. He recognized her, although he didn't know exactly who she was.

Something drove him to turn all the way towards her, although he knew he could not look at her. He could never look at anyone, ever again. He was not worthy and he would be punished. But still he turned so that he was facing her. He could feel her breath and for the first time he felt a seed of hope returning. He knew it was because of her.

Hope. He felt his heart fill – but he didn't know with what. He didn't know if it was good or bad. All he knew was he couldn't contain it any more. The tears escaped from his eyes and he began to cry.

It was her touch – her arm around him – that brought back to him all that he had lost, all that he had become. He wept. He wept for himself, for his lost humanity and because he knew that hope _did_ exist but no longer for him – he did not deserve it.

He allowed himself to be lifted up – by her and another who did not seem to want to hurt him. He was suspicious of the comfort – of the softness and of the warmth that engulfed him. He wasn't supposed to feel this way and thought about protesting but then stopped himself. Even if this was for a short time, even if he'd have to pay dearly later – he was going to allow himself this brief moment of comfort. It had been so long.

He felt her place something soft under his head and then more softness covered him and _she_ was there. She also brought him warmth and comfort.

And then there was music. He closed his eyes and felt the tears again gather. Maybe the Goa'uld had finally let him die. Maybe God felt he'd paid enough, and he had been transported to heaven. He began to hope.

* * *

><p>"How is he?" Sam arrived in the Infirmary early that morning after only a few brief hours of attempted sleep. Dr. Warner was on duty and she met him in the hallway.<p>

"He was still sleeping when I checked on him half an hour ago. I thought I'd let him rest after his little escape episode last night." the Doctor smiled. "I was just about to go in to check on him again. Why don't you come? I heard he responded to you so it might be good having you with me."

"Of course Doctor", she agreed, although inside she felt a bit uncomfortable. It's not that she didn't want to help the Colonel, but she couldn't help but wonder what others thought of his reaction to her.

Dr. Warner opened the door and the two of them entered the Colonel's room. A new nurse was on duty and she was standing beside the Colonel's bed. "He's just starting to wake up", she explained.

Sam glanced at the man in the bed and could see his head move slightly. He was completely covered by her quilt. In fact, it looked like he had pulled it up as high as it would go and now he was cocooned inside it.

"He loves that comforter", the nurse whispered. "Any time I tried to check him he'd hold onto it as much as he could. He finally seemed to realize I wasn't going to take it away and he relaxed. I also found that the music seemed to keep him remain calm so I left it on all night."

Dr. Warner smiled and nodded. He then looked at Sam. "I heard about your idea from Janet", the doctor told her. "And I agree. I think it's a good idea. I'm going to ask some of the staff to pick up a few things to brighten up his room. He needs to be in cheerful surroundings."

Just then Jack moved and his eyes opened. For a moment he stared straight at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out where he was. A moment later the three standing by his bed could see his expression turn to one of fear. His eyes immediately looked down and he began to curl up on himself.

"Sir", Sam said, stepping forward. "Good morning. It's Sam here. I've come to see you." She reached out and slowly placed her hand on his shoulder, even though the comforter still covered him.

It took a moment, and the Colonel seemed to stop breathing, but then his muscles relaxed – just a tiny bit – but enough for all of them to notice.

"That's it Sir. Everything is okay. You're safe. Dr. Warner is here to see you and to check on how you're doing. Will you let him look at you?"

The answer seemed to be 'no' when Jack began to once again curl into a ball. Sam looked at the Doctor and shrugged. She didn't know what to do to help.

"Colonel, it's me, Dr. Warner. Do you remember me?"

There was no reaction from O'Neill, which is what they'd come to expect. However the doctor was used to soldiers who'd suffered severe trauma and he didn't let it bother him. Instead he kept talking, explaining what he was doing there and how he wanted to help. He kept his tone gentle and non-threatening and eventually the Colonel began to straighten his body. It was a sure indication that he was becoming more relaxed.

"He seems more comfortable with women Sir", the Nurse said softly.

"Mmm, understandable", Warner nodded. "Since the – ones doing this were probably all men. I think maybe we should get you to do the tests Captain", he said to the Nurse. "I'll stay close and tell you what to do."

"Okay Sir." She stepped closer to the Colonel. "Hi Sir. It's me, Captain Dolan. You remember me? I checked on you a few times during the night. I'd like to do the same now, if that's okay with you? I won't hurt you, I promise. I just want to make sure you're doing well."

"Has he been drinking?" Warner suddenly asked.

"No, although Dr. Frasier has him on fluids. They had to sedate him when they first brought him in and then he was asleep most of the night. I've got a cup for him and I can get him started right away."

"Let's do the tests first and then we'll get him to drink. IV fluids aren't really enough if we're going to save his kidneys. Okay, let's see if we can get started. Major – I think it would be good for you to be here as well. Let him know what's going on."

"Of course Doctor." She took a step closer to the bed and again reached out to put her hand on the Colonel's shoulder. "Captain Dolan is going to take a look, to make sure you're okay. You'll let her, won't you Colonel?"

He moved slightly and she didn't know if that was him agreeing or not but she figured that was all they were going to get. "Can I pull the comforter down just a bit?"

She reached up and attempted to pull it down, but immediately he tried to hold on to it. Unfortunately his hands weren't up to grabbing anything so she was able to move it down in spite of his attempt. "I'm sorry Sir. You'll get it back in a minute. I'm not going to take it away."

She swallowed as she saw again how thin he looked under the covers. He was nothing but skin and bones.

"There you go Sir – good job", the Captain said. She approached on his other side and slowly lowered the top of his gown. I'm just going to look at some of your cuts Sir and listen to your heart. This won't hurt, I promise."

For the next fifteen minutes Dolan, with instructions from Warner, did a check of the Colonel. Sam turned away when they started to go past his waist. She knew they needed to check his catheter and the last thing she wanted was to embarrass the Colonel by looking at him during the exam.

When it was all over Dolan covered him back up, although she kept his arms out from under the comforter. "Sir? Dr. Warner needs to check your hands. Major Carter and I will be right here. You don't need to worry."

"I'm here Sir", Sam spoke as well. "Everything's going to be just fine."

O'Neill flinched when the Doctor reached out and took his hand. He wanted to pull it away, but knew he'd be punished. He was waiting for the pain – to be disciplined for having tried to use his hands to hold on to the blanket. He'd known it was bad, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to let it go. It kept him warm.

He kept waiting for pain. They had often struck his hands, or placed the pain stick on them anytime he'd tried to use them. The worst had been when he'd tried to kill himself. He still remembered the pain of having his hands nailed to a board over his head, and being left to hang there for hours.

After that he could barely use his hands for anything anyway, so he had received less punishment on them. But he had already learned his lesson. He was not to use his hands. He remembered when he had touched the woman's hand when she had been with him before. Maybe he was being punished for that as well.

"Hmm. I'll take a look at the Xrays", Warner murmured, more to himself than anyone. "But it's obvious he's going to need some reconstructive surgery. It's hard to tell how badly the nerves have been damaged since he isn't telling us anything. Colonel?" he looked up at the man in the bed. "Can you try and squeeze my hand?"

He held onto the Colonel's hand, hoping for some reaction. "Colonel?"

Jack was confused. The man was giving him an order and he knew he had to obey it. But he'd been told to never use his hands and when given those orders he'd been called slave or Surebu – that meant he had to listen. But now – the man was calling him something different, and telling him to _use _his hands. What did it mean?

"Colonel?" It was her voice again. "Please? Can you do what the Doctor says? Can you squeeze his hand?"

She had asked him so he had to do it, for her. He was frightened and confused. He took a breath and tried to do what they were telling him to do.

"Good Colonel – that's it, keep trying." They all watched as O'Neill tried hard to squeeze with his hand. It obviously was hard for him – sweat had appeared on his brow. But at least he was doing it.

"Very good Sir." Warner let go of his hand and laid it gently on the covers. "Can we try the other one?"

A moment later the Colonel was doing the same with his left hand. This one was a bit easier for him.

"Good. Very good Colonel. Thank you." Again Warner laid his hand down gently. "I appreciate you trying that Sir. You did a great job. Now, can I ask you to do one more thing for me?"

Jack was listening – starting to understand the words that people were saying although he was having trouble making much sense of them. He'd heard the command about his hands and now he was being asked to do something else. But he hadn't been punished – at least not yet.

"Can you look at me Sir?" Warner asked softly. "Can you raise your head and look at me?"

Jack stopped breathing. No. This is something they'd made sure he understood. He was no longer a man, no longer worthy to look anyone in the face. The few times he'd tried it – or done it by mistake – he'd been severely punished. Not only that they'd told him repeatedly that he was nothing. He was an animal, a pet. He was not to look at anyone.

"Please Colonel?" Her voice begged him and he wanted to cry. He couldn't. He slowly shook his head, knowing that to refuse meant punishment and pain – but to do it meant even more.

"I think we'd better leave it for now", Warner said softly. "It's clearly distressing to him. I expect he was conditioned into not looking at anyone."

Sam nodded, although she wanted to swear. Every time she saw the Colonel she saw more evidence of what had been done to him.

"Captain, Major, try and get him to drink. It's very important. I'm going to go and study the test results and look at his X-rays. I'll check back in a bit, but don't hesitate to call if there's anything that worries you." Warner gave them both a smile and then turned to the Colonel. "Thank you Colonel. You did a great job. You can relax now with these lovely ladies. And don't worry, we're going to do everything we can to help you get better."

As soon as he left Captain Dolan went to get a carafe and a cup. Sam continued to sit by the bed, regarding the terribly ill man who still hadn't said a word or looked at her.

"So Sir – shall I sit you up a bit so you can drink?" she reached down to the controls and slowly lifted the head of the bed. Jack's eyes grew huge but when it stopped and nothing else happened he calmed down.

Sam put her hand on the side of the bed but this time didn't touch the Colonel. He noticed however, and soon his hand snaked out – slowly – until it was touching hers. A moment later and he lifted his and put it down on top of her hand. She smiled, although she was on the verge of tears. "Can I hold your hand Colonel?" she asked, turning her hand so that their palms were touching. She grasped his hand lightly – and was surprised and pleased when a moment later she could feel him try and grasp hers.

"Good for you Sir", she smiled and squeezed back. "That's great."

"Here we go", Dolan returned and poured a glass of water and set it down. She then moved the table until it was in front of Jack. "There you go Sir – a glass of water. You really need to drink it."

"I don't know if he can use his hands well enough", Sam said. "Sir, would you like me to help you?"

She took the hand she was holding and lifted it towards the water. He didn't resist, at first, but the closer she got to the cup the more she could feel him try and pull back. "Here, this will be easier." She picked up the cup and tried to place it in Jack's hand. She was going to continue to hold it herself, but she didn't get the chance.

The Colonel snatched his hand back violently and pushed both his arms under the covers. He then closed his eyes and curled back up and refused to acknowledge anything.

"Well that went well", Dolan sighed. "He clearly doesn't want to drink."

"Or at least hold a glass", Sam said. "Uh, do you have a straw?"

The Nurse returned a few minutes later with a paper covered straw. Sam removed the paper and placed the straw in the cup. "Colonel?" she asked softly. "Here, you need to drink something, but if you like I'll hold the cup. You don't have to touch it."

It took a few seconds, but eventually Jack opened his eyes and stared at the cup that Sam was holding. He blinked a couple of times but he didn't move away as she brought it towards his face.

"You can drink out of the straw", Sam told him. "I'll hold the cup." She finally got close enough to place the straw near his lips. A second later he'd grasped it with his mouth and he began to drink.

It took hardly anytime at all for him to finish the entire glass. Sam had had to slow him down a few times, worried that he'd get sick, but in the end he'd drunk the whole thing.

"Some more?" she asked, filling a second cup. He took the straw again and drank deeply. He didn't want to let go of the straw and it dawned on Sam that they probably used this to torture him as well. Janet had said he was severly dehydrated. The bastards!

She had to stop thinking about those things or she was going to spend the rest of her life angry.

"There you go! You're doing so great Ja – uh – Sir", she said quickly. "Captain", she addressed her next comment to the young Nurse. "Is he allowed to eat solid food?"

"I'm afraid he's on a liquid diet for now", Dolan told her. "He can have broth or jello if he wants."

"Are you hungry Sir?" Sam asked. Jack had laid his head back on the pillow and his eyes were closed. He reached with his arm, patting the mattress as if trying to find something.

"I think he likes holding your hand", Dolan said softly. Since she was new to the SGC she didn't know anything at all about the rumors about Carter and O'Neill, so her comment was totally innocent.

Sam knew that, but couldn't help but turn slightly pink. She placed her hand on the mattress beside his and a moment later they were again holding hands.

* * *

><p>Dr. Warner made his way up to the General's office. Janet was meeting him there and together they were to give Hammond a preliminary report. None of the three attendees was looking forward to it.<p>

"So Doctors, what can you tell me", George asked, letting out a deep breath of air. He knew what Jack faced, but he was still hopeful that the man would heal.

Janet started the narrative, describing his general physical condition. "He's in bad shape, but it's not life-threatening", she repeated her words from before. "But he's clearly been beaten – severely and often – and there's been a lot of damage."

"What kind of damage", Hammond wanted to know the unvarnished truth.

Both Janet and Dr. Warner went into detail about all the various issues the Colonel faced. There was a lot of structural damage, which would require surgery as well as therapy. There was also extensive soft tissue damage and it would also mean therapy and in one or two cases more surgery.

"There don't seem to be too many problems with any organs, other than his kidneys", Warner said – probably the first piece of good news so far. "We can't count out some damage to his heart though – he's been under terrible stress, both physically and mentally for a long time. We're going to do more extensive tests, but only when the Colonel is better able to cope."

"What about his hands?" Hammond asked.

"They're not good", Warner admitted. "The right is in worse shape than the left and I'm afraid it may not get much better than it is. I think there is more chance with the left. Both will need surgery but I want to bring in an expert to do it since it's going to be tricky. There were a lot of broken bones, most of which haven't healed properly and there's extensive tissue damage. He's going to have a long haul with those."

"Anything else Doctors?" Hammond asked, with a sigh and a face that showed how distressed he was feeling.

"Yes", said Janet softly, looking terribly pained. "There's evidence he was -" she stopped and took a breath, "that he was beaten around the genitals. There was damage but I don't know how much at this point. It may be permanent."

"Shit!" The General exclaimed. He wasn't one to ever swear, especially not in front of his own people, but this time both doctors agreed with him. "What more does he have to deal with?" he asked rhetorically.

"We haven't even touched on the emotional trauma yet Sir", Janet pointed out. "And if anything, that's worse."

"I heard that Major Carter was able to get through to him. That sounds promising."

"It is", Janet nodded, "although he still won't look at anyone and won't speak. I'm afraid we're going to have to get an expert in trauma to look at the Colonel. This is way beyond my training."

"Mine as well", Warner agreed. "I agree with Janet. O'Neill is going to need serious, professional help to cope with what he's been through – and it's going to take time."

"Do you think he can overcome this?" Hammond asked directly.

"I don't know Sir", Janet answered. "The Colonel is strong, but this might be too much for him. As it is his career in the Air Force will definitely be over. The physical injuries alone mean that but I doubt he could pass the psych exam. Whether or not he can go on to live a normal life outside the Air Force – I just don't know at this point."

The General nodded and let out a deep sigh. "You're all doing a wonderful job and I know you care for the Colonel and will do everything you can for him. Don't hesitate to ask for anything or anyone you need." He paused and looked out towards the gate room. "I know Jack and if there's anyone who can come back from this, it's him!"


	7. Speech

_**The following chapter is dedicated to TamaraJagellovsk – a faithful reader and fellow Sg1 writer (check out her stories). She is a speech therapist and kindly helped me with the medical part of this chapter as I don't have a clue about anything medical! Thanks Tamara – you're amazing!**_

"Teal'c."

"Daniel Jackson." The former Jaffa nodded to his friend as the younger man placed his tray on the table and sat down. "Have you heard any news?"

"No", Daniel sighed. "Janet keeps saying he's doing as well as can be expected. I ask you, what the hell does that mean? Expected by whom, for what?"

"She is doing everything she can Daniel. I am sure that when she has more news she will share it with us."

"Maybe", Daniel answered morosely, stirring his coffee. "But she can't tell us too much anyway. That's 'confidential' information", Daniel said, making air quotes with his fingers. "How the hell are we supposed to help him if we don't even know what's wrong."

"We do know what is wrong. O'Neill was tortured by the Goa'uld Raijin for many months. We need to be here for him, to show him we are his friends and that we know he will vanquish this enemy like he has all his others."

"Yeah right. I don't know why you're so upbeat Teal'c. I heard he was afraid of you when you went into his room."

The Jaffa didn't say anything, he simply looked down at the table in front of him. "Yes, that is true", he finally said quietly.

"Aw geeze – I'm sorry Teal'c. I'm feeling miserable and I don't mean to take it out on you. He doesn't want to see me either."

"How do you know?"

"Because Janet and Dr. Warner both said he's more comfortable with women. He feels less threatened by them so only Sam gets to see him."

Teal'c nodded. "That is understandable", he said, although it was obvious to his friend that Teal'c was hurting. Daniel understood the feeling. He felt so _useless_. They needed to do something to help Jack.

"He'll come around, I'm sure of it. Once he feels a bit less frightened of everything that's happening we can go in and see him. I'm sure he'll remember us then and he'll be glad to see us."

"That is possible", Teal'c nodded, but the usually confident man sounded less than sure.

"In the meantime we have to do _something_", Daniel suddenly said, pushing his coffee away and watching as it spilled over the top of his cup. "I'm going to go crazy if I just sit around here and wait."

"Indeed", Teal'c agreed.

The two men remained silent for the next few minutes, each lost in his own thoughts. In different ways O'Neill had saved each of the two of them and had become the brother neither had had – a brother that sometimes drove them crazy, but one who was loved dearly nonetheless.

Daniel sighed and reached for his coffee, again stirring it as he thought about what they could do. "Hey, I have an idea", he sat up straight and dropped his spoon. "Didn't Janet agree that it would be good for Jack to be in a pleasant environment?"

"She did", Teal'c nodded.

"Well then, let's get permission from the General to go to Jack's house and bring some of his things. I bet he'd be more comfortable if we surrounded him with things he recognized."

Teal'c thought for a moment. "I believe that is a good idea. If you speak with the General I shall discuss this with Dr. Frasier."

Less than an hour later the two were on their way to Jack's house to pick up some of his things. Janet had agreed that it might help.

"So, where do we start?" Daniel asked as he looked around Jack's living room.

"I shall retrieve some of O'Neill's night clothes. I am sure he would prefer to wear his own pajamas and robe. I shall also bring his pillow and bed cover."

"Uh – I think he's got Sam's", Daniel told him hesitatingly.

"Then Major Carter can use his." Without saying more Teal'c turned and headed towards O'Neill's bedroom.

Daniel glanced around the room, wondering what to bring. With a shrug he put down the bags he'd brought from the base and began to collect a few items.

"Shall I bring this Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c appeared in the doorway to the living room, a photo in his hand. It was the picture of Charlie O'Neill that sat on Jack's nightstand.

"Uh – why don't we take it with us, but let's not put it where he can see it for now. I don't know if he even remembers Charlie and I don't think he needs anymore painful memories right now."

Teal'c nodded and returned to the bedroom. A few minutes later he came out with one of the Colonel's suitcases. "I do not believe O'Neill would mind if we used this", he said to Daniel.

"Huh? Oh, no, I'm sure he wouldn't. Do you have everything?"

Teal'c bowed his head and watched as Daniel collected a few more things. "There, I think that's good."

"Indeed. It will be difficult to place all of these objects in O'Neill's room."

"Yeah", Daniel looked at the pile of stuff. "For now we can keep anything that doesn't fit in his office. That way we can change it out every few days."

* * *

><p>"Daniel?" Janet looked up from her chart and spoke as the archaeologist approached her desk. "What can I do for you?"<p>

"Uh well, Teal'c and I just got back with a few of Jack's things. When do you think we should put them in his room."

She pursed her lips for a moment, deep in thought. "Why don't you do it when he's sleeping? I can check to see how he's doing right now and if he's asleep you can put everything out. What all did you get?"

Daniel grimaced slightly. "Uh, recognize the expression everything but the kitchen sink?"

"Daniel, you didn't", she laughed.

"Well yes – but we thought we'd only put a few things out. We can add something each day or change things out. That might help bring him back."

Janet sighed, although she smiled at the same time. "It's going to take more that seeing a few of his things", she held up her hand when Daniel went to argue. "I'm not saying that it's not a good thing. In fact I think it's great. But it's going to be one of many different things that will help the Colonel come back to us."

"I know Janet. But – it's the only thing Teal'c and I can think of to do."

Janet realized how much both men were suffering and wished there was something more she could do to help. But she really didn't know how or if, Jack was going to get out of this. In the meantime all she could do was focus on him and do what was best for him.

"How is O'Neill doing?" Teal'c asked suddenly. It was the first he'd spoken to her since he'd arrived with Daniel.

Janet sighed and combed her fingers through her hair. "He's calmer than he was when we brought him back yesterday", she said. "He seems to know that no one is trying to hurt him. But he still hasn't spoken and he won't look at anybody. He has started to respond to direct requests so we know he understands, although he doesn't seem to respond to anything else. It's hard to know how much he gets and how much he just does by instinct."

"You think he's suffered – uh brain damage?" Daniel asked, although it was obvious he didn't want to.

"I don't know Daniel. This may be a symptom of PTSD or it may be something physiological. One thing that makes it hard is that he still isn't talking."

"Does he make sounds?"Teal'c abruptly asked.

"Make sounds?" the Doctor asked, sounding puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Most people will verbalize, even if they do not speak. It is not uncommon for Goa'uld masters to demand their slaves not speak in their presence but if hurt or startled they would make sounds. It is almost impossible to suppress that instinct."

"Oh my God", Janet looked at him startled. "I didn't look. Dr. Warner and I just assumed that he wasn't speaking because he'd been conditioned that way. But you're saying he may not be _able_ to speak because of something physiological, not psychological?"

"Teal'c, have you heard of a Goa'uld who did something like this – I mean do something to permanently take away someone's voice?"

"I have not", Teal'c answered. "But that does not mean it could not happen. The System Lords often experimented with new ways to torture their subjects.

Janet stood quickly, practically knocking her chair back, and strode out into the hall towards the Colonel's room.

"Janet", Daniel called. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to see if I can figure this out. We were remiss not to have checked on that at the beginning." She pushed the Colonel's door open and disappeared, leaving the two men in the hallway.

"God, I hope Raijin didn't do something to his vocal chords", Daniel whispered.

"We should expect the worse", his friend told him bluntly. "There is little that would bother O'Neill more than not to be able to speak. He uses his words as a way to protect himself. Raijin would learn this and would use that knowledge to further torture him."

"You know what Teal'c? I _really_ hate that damn Goa'uld."

"As do I Daniel Jackson."

* * *

><p>Janet practically burst into the room, which startled not only the nurse on duty, but Sam, who looked up from her seat by the Colonel's bed with wide eyes and a frightened look on her face.<p>

But the person reacting the most was the Colonel himself. He immediately moved into what they'd all come to call his 'safe' position. He rolled on his side and curled up, his knees held by his arms and his head tucked down to rest on his knees.

Crap! Janet wondered what she'd been thinking. "I'm sorry Sir", she said softly. "I didn't mean to startle you." She walked slowly up to the bed. "How are you feeling today Colonel?" She smiled down at Sam and mouthed and 'I'm sorry'. "I really didn't mean to scare you Sir. I just wanted to come and see how you were doing."

It took a few minutes but Jack finally moved to his back and relaxed, although there was always a measure of tension throughout his body. It was as if he had decided to accept things the way they were, for now, but that he knew they were going to change. It saddened everyone to know that he probably still expected to be punished or tortured.

"Has he said anything, or made any sound at all?" Janet softly asked the Major and the nurse.

Both women shook their heads and Janet scowled. Why the hell hadn't she realized? "Sir?" she turned back to the man on the bed. "Can you do me a favor?" She waited until she was sure she had his attention, even though he didn't look at her.

"I need you to make a sound for me. Can you do that? It can be anything – a hum, a moan, anything. I just need to hear your lovely voice."

They all waited, hopefully, but nothing happened. "Colonel? Please, can you try?"

It was Sam who realized. She had leaned closer to him and was watching to see if he'd try and speak, just like he'd tried to squeeze Dr. Warner's hand. But instead of seeing him try to use his voice, she could see the tears trailing down his face.

She reached out and softly touched his cheek, looking over at the Doctor as she did so. "It's okay Sir", she told him gently. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

That was the first time she saw it. The moment she'd said those words his eyes flipped up to hers. It only lasted a brief second, but she'd clearly seen him look at her. What she saw in his eyes – the fear, the despair, the hopelessness, broke her heart.

Taking a deep breath she leaned even closer, her hand still caressing his cheek. "Colonel – don't cry, please. It's okay, we're going to help you. Can you tell me – _can_ you speak? Janet needs to know if she's going to be able to help."

She waited a moment, but when nothing happened, she let out a slow breath. She was about to stand and let Janet know he wasn't answering, when she felt his hand move. She glanced down to the bed and he was again looking for something. She realized almost instantly that he wanted her hand. She quickly took his hand, grasping it gently. A couple of seconds later she felt his hand try and squeeze hers.

She frowned, wondering. "Colonel, are you trying to communicate?" she wondered softly to herself. "Sir? Can you speak?" Nothing happened and she bit her lip. "Did something happen so that you _can't _speak?"

There! He tried to squeeze her hand again. He must mean yes! "Colonel, if you mean yes, squeeze again." Immediately she felt the faint pressure. "Good. Now if you mean no, don't squeeze." She waited, but nothing happened. She smiled.

"Good for you Colonel", she said softly. She leaned forward and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek. "And don't you worry. We're going to figure this out and help you."

She stood up straight, her hand still clutching Jack's. She faced Janet and spoke softly. "Something happened to him – or they did something – and he says he _can't_ speak."

"I suspected as much. Or actually Daniel and Teal'c suspected it. I should have caught it."

"What are you going to do now?"

"Well, I'll have to examine his throat to see what's going on. I'm afraid that's going to be difficult. I can't really imagine the Colonel letting us stick a scope down his throat."

Sam felt the Colonel's hand move and realized he must have heard the doctor. When she looked at him she could see he was tense. She motioned with her head and Janet nodded. "Uh, I think it's about time for the Colonel's meds." She glanced to the nurse who nodded. "I'll leave you be now Colonel", she said directly to the man on the bed. "You're doing great. Just rest now, okay."

* * *

><p>Janet found Teal'c and Daniel still outside in the hallway. "You were right. Something happened to him and he's unable to speak."<p>

"What are you going to do?" Daniel asked.

"I'm going to ask the General if we can get a specialist here to examine his throat. From there we'll have to see."

Shortly after that Sam came out of the Colonel's room, needing to stretch and to take a bathroom break. She found the two men seated in the hallway, surrounded by bags and boxes. "What's all this?" she asked with a smile.

"It was our idea", Daniel said. "These are some of his things. We thought we'd bring them and put them in his room."

"That's great. Why don't you go in now? He's sleeping."

For the next twenty minutes Daniel and Teal'c carefully and quietly placed a few items around the room. They couldn't put too much out for now, as there wasn't a lot of room. When he was moved to a regular room they would get more of his things.

"I think that's enough Teal'c," Daniel whispered. He glanced around and smiled. It looked better.

The nurse grinned and gave them a thumbs up and watched as they left. "You certainly have some good friends Colonel", she said softly. She then bent her head back to her chart.

* * *

><p>Jack had actually woken up during the stealth operation of his friends. Of course he didn't identify them as friends – for now that concept had completely been written over by his experiences of the past seven months. But for some reason, after his first start of fear upon seeing the Jaffa and the other man, his heart had calmed. He had watched them surreptitiously, his eyes tracking them carefully.<p>

Once they'd left he allowed himself to more openly look at the things they'd brought. For a second he had wondered if they were things that would hurt him, but then felt a jolt of recognition. These weren't _bad_ things at all. In fact, he had a feeling they were very, very good. With a sigh he allowed his eyes to close again, and soon he was sleeping peacefully, a feeling of comfort and familiarity surrounding him.

* * *

><p>Nurse Alvarez looked around the room after Dr. Jackson and Teal'c had left and couldn't help but smile. The things in the room – from the hockey jersey tacked to the wall, to the fishing pole and hat leaning in the corner to the pictures of Sg1 scattered around – all gave testament to the man in the bed. "You are quite something Colonel", she said. "And you're going to get better – if your friends have anything to say about it!"<p>

* * *

><p>"The only way we're going to be able to examine his throat is by sedating him", Janet was speaking again with the General and Dr. Warner. "We tried to examine him but he was terrified. I wouldn't be surprised if the Goa'uld used something on him that looked similar to our scope", she said. "Although I'm sure with a much different purpose." She tried to stay professional, but every time she thought about the Goa'uld she wanted to swear.<p>

"I agree with Janet Sir", Warner said. "It's the only way we're going to be able to examine him. We can also do another physical on him when he's sedated and check how he's doing. He still finds it extremely stressful to be examined."

Hammond nodded, and let out a long, deep breath. "I arranged for Dr. Raymond Bell, a foremost Otolaryngologist from LA – to come and examine the Colonel."

"Does he have clearance Sir?" Janet asked.

"No, so he'll be accompanied at all times and won't be allowed near the gate room. He's agreed to sign a confidentiality agreement. I've asked Reynolds to stay with him at all times."

"When will he get here?" Warner asked.

"He should be here by tomorrow. In the meantime, how is Colonel O'Neill doing?"

"He's remaining calm, as long as Sam stays with him. He seems to need the connection. Teal'c and Daniel brought some of his things from home and he responded well to that. According to Nurse Alvarez he stared at the various things for quite a while."

"What things?" Hammond asked curiously.

"Uh a Homer Simpson bobble-head for one thing."

The General let out a sudden bark of laughter and within seconds the three people assembled in the room were all laughing uproariously. The door opened a moment later and Walter stuck his head in, worried that something was wrong.

"Uh General?"

"It's – okay – Walter", Hammond gasped. "Everything's fine."

Walter nodded and shut the door, shaking his head. Sometimes he really wondered about officers. He allowed himself a small smile however. The laughter meant something good had happened, and it must be about Colonel O'Neill. Maybe things were looking up.

Eventually Hammond and the two doctors calmed down. It hadn't been that funny but they'd all needed something to take away the darkness that had surrounded them since the Colonel had been restored to them – and even before that, when he was still lost.

"And what about his physical health", the General asked, once the mood again turned serious.

"He's drinking well", Janet said, "which is a good sign, although he still won't use his hands. He needs to gain quite a bit of weight and we're going to start him on solids soon. The bruising is starting to fade and most of the minor infections are clearing up. We're planning to wait until he is physically stronger before we think about scheduling any surgeries. It should also be easier as he becomes more comfortable around everyone. Once he truly believes he's safe again, then it'll be easier to deal with the surgery."

"The good news is his kidneys are starting to function better", Warner said. "I think they're going to be okay and we haven't had any indication of heart problems."

"He may have been put in the sarcophagus at some point during his captivity", Janet said. "We talked about it and feel it may have been responsible for making sure his organs were in perfect condition before any more beatings or torture. Over the last few months he obviously wasn't in a sarcophagus, and there was plenty of harm done to him, but surprisingly not as much internal damage as one would expect."

"I never thought I'd be happy to hear that O'Neill was in a sarcophagus again", Hammond murmured.

"Well, we don't know if he was, but it's one explanation."

"Okay. Well, it sounds like things are as good as we can hope for now. When do you think we should bring in someone to deal with his – psychological injuries?"

Warner and Frasier looked at one another, both in agreement. "Uh, Janet and I feel we should wait a little while", Warner said, to the surprise of the General.

"Is that wise?" Hammond asked.

"Well Sir", Janet said. "We all know what Jack thinks of 'shrinks' and I think the best thing for him right now is for him to be surrounded by the people and things he knows. He needs to feel safe and introducing someone like a psychiatrist or psychologist, who he doesn't know – neither of us think that would be the best thing for the Colonel – at least not right now."

Hammond nodded. "Okay, I'll go along with this for now, but eventually I think the Air Force will demand he see someone."

Janet nodded. "I understand, but just – not now Sir?"

"Fine. Thank you both and keep me informed as to what happens." It was only after both doctors left that Hammond sat back in his chair. His eyes were sad. He hated what war – whether on Earth or in space – did to people. At the same time he couldn't help a small grin. "A Simpson's bobble-head! Only you Jack!"

* * *

><p>Both Janet and Dr. Warner watched as Dr. Bell examined the Colonel. Janet had explained to O'Neill that they were going to try and see if they could help his throat get better and that they were going to put him to sleep to do it. He'd looked frightened but eventually had given Sam's hand a slight squeeze. She'd looked up and nodded at Janet.<p>

Dr. Bell wasn't the friendliest or most gregarious man Janet had ever met. In fact she found herself not liking him. But there was no doubt he was good at what he did. She'd looked him up and found out he had a reputation as something of a miracle worker. He'd also done a lot of work with returning vets, so he couldn't be all bad!

She was just glad the Colonel was sleeping because he would have been freaked out by the stern-faced man.

As it was, Janet was ready to scream. The specialist didn't explain anything as he was looking in Jack's throat or reading his charts. He did a lot of humming and nodding, but wasn't giving anything away, so Janet sat in her chair contemplating things she'd like to say to him about his bedside manner.

"I have seen enough", Dr. Bell said. "Nurse, look after your patient. Dr. Frasier, Dr. Warner, shall we go elsewhere and I will explain my findings."

Both doctors jumped up, anxious to hear what the specialist had to say. Janet led them to her office down the hall and gestured for the two men to sit. Colonel Reynolds had waited outside O'Neill's room and followed them to Janet's office, where he again waited outside. Reynolds had been both courteous and professional, but Janet knew the man was dying to know what was going on. She knew that he was a good friend of the Colonel's too.

"It is clear that Colonel O'Neill's vocal chords have been damaged", Dr. Bell said without preamble. "By what it is impossible to say. I have never seen anything quite like it. There is some scarring but the main problem appears to be that both vocal folds are paralyzed. Both sides of the recurrent laryngeal nerve have been damaged. It is almost as if something was put into his throat and caused this to happen, although what it would be I have no idea. Do either of you know what it could have been?"

Both Frasier and Warner looked at him blankly and then shook their heads. "Uh, the Colonel was on a secret mission in enemy territory. He was captured but we don't know exactly what was done to him."

Bell nodded, his lips pursed. "If you ever find out, please let me know. It is very curious."

"And the prognosis?" Janet asked, trying not to sound impatient.

"Well, that is difficult to say. If the damage to the nerve isn't permanent, which it doesn't appear to be, but has only been temporarily paralyzed, it should be possible – with extensive therapy – for the Colonel to get his voice back. In fact, if that is the case he should be able to whisper even now. Of course he may be suffering from a psychogenic dysphonia which is a completely different matter."

"A psychogenic dysphonia?" Janet asked, "You're telling me it's psychological?"

"That's not surprising Janet", Warner said. "He believes he can't talk – or was tortured into not speaking, just the way he was forced not to look at people or use his hands. He may, in fact, be physically able to speak but psychologically can't. If that's the case then he'll need a different kind of therapy."

"I expect it may be a little of both", Bell said, for the first time sounding somewhat sympathetic. "As soon as possible I would begin to encourage him to try to speak. It will be difficult for him, depending how long he has been without a voice. And, with the scarring his voice may never be what it was, but he should be able to vocalize. As soon as he knows he _can_ speak then I would start him with a good speech therapist."

The news wasn't as bad as they'd feared – or as good as they'd hoped, but at least there _was_ hope. Now all they had to do was convince Jack to try and say something. Janet sighed. She wished she knew how in hell to do that. So far, other than holding Sam's hand, he hadn't been willing to do anything.

"Thank you Dr. Bell", she said after a minute, giving the man a smile. She rose when he did and led him to her office door. "We appreciate you coming all the way out here to look at the Colonel. He is a special man."

Dr. Bell nodded, and turned to look at both Janet and Warner. "I have heard of the Colonel and was glad to be able to help. With your permission I will continue to follow his case. I will send you my notes – you will want to give them to a therapist if you decide to use one. I am also happy to come back any time. He has given up too much for his country and deserves the best treatment we can give him."

Suddenly Dr. Frasier's opinion of the specialist changed, and her smile grew warmer. "Thank you!" She watched as Reynolds led him to the surface and then turned to Warner. "I think we have our work cut out for us."

"We do indeed."


	8. Tears

_**A little mini-chapter for all of you because I felt like I wanted to keep writing more after the last chapter. I needed to start my week with a little hope rather than angst (so here you go). Reviews appreciated and greatly cherished!**_

Sam was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The Colonel had been back for almost a week and she had spent practically every moment by his side. She knew he needed her and that her presence made a difference to him. She was so grateful to be able to do something to help him – and there was no way she was _not_ going to be there for him. But she was human, after all, and she was worn to the bone.

It was just so painful to watch the once strong man reduced to this. She suffered horribly for him and many times had to stop herself from bursting into tears. In fact she had spent her fair share of time crying every time she went to the bathroom. What made it worse was that she wasn't sleeping. Even when she went to her quarters she would lie there, awake, imagining all the horrible things that had been done to reduce the Colonel to what he was now.

She didn't know if she could go on, but she knew she couldn't leave the Colonel. He needed her.

It was Janet who finally realized what was happening and put her foot down. "I know he needs you Sam", she'd said gently. "But you can't continue like this. You're going to get sick and then you won't be any use at all to him. You need to go home – get out of here for a few days and rest. He'll be fine."

"He _won't_ be Janet", Sam cried. "You know I'm the only one he really trusts. He doesn't respond to anyone else but me. How can I leave him?"

Janet sighed and thought for a moment. It was true that he'd come to rely on her. He was getting stronger physically, but other than the odd moment with Sam he hadn't improved at all emotionally. He was still trapped by the conditioning of the Goa'uld. They had to do something to try and snap him out of it. She just wished she knew what that was.

"I think we need Daniel", Janet suddenly said.

"What? But you know he doesn't respond well to men."

"No, but this is Daniel we're talking about", Janet grinned. "He's not just any man."

"Janet?" Sam looked at her with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean?"

"Do you know anyone more compassionate than Daniel?"

"Uh –no, I guess not."

"And who bugs the Colonel more than Daniel? Who can reach the Colonel when no one else can?"

"Daniel", Sam nodded, thinking about the relationship of the two men.

"I think he might be our secret weapon."

Sam was looking slightly hurt, so Janet reached out and put her hand over her friend's. "Sam, you've done wonders with Jack. He trusts you. You've made it possible for him to begin to heal and that's amazing. But I think the Colonel needs a bit of a -"

"Push?"

"Yeah", Janet smiled. "You could put it that way. Maybe more like a burr under his saddle?"

"Or a pea under his mattress?"

"A flea in his collar?"

The two women laughed. "You want Daniel to drive him crazy?" Sam asked.

Janet grimaced. "Is it a stupid idea?"

Sam shrugged. "Nothing else seems to get through to him. I think as long as it's done carefully and – gently – he might get through to the Colonel. We could try."

"Okay, let's do this." Janet went on to explain her idea.

So, here they were. Sam looked at Daniel and gave the nervous looking man a smile. "It'll be okay Daniel, I'm sure of it."

"But what if I frighten him?" he asked.

"Uh – start telling him about some of your artifacts."

"How'll that help?" he asked, confused.

"Well, it will probably put him right to sleep."

Daniel groaned, but grinned at the same time. "You're mean Sam", he told her.

"Hey, _I _don't fall asleep. Tell that to the Colonel."

Both of them took a deep breath and then Sam opened the door to the Colonel's room. "Sir?" she said softly. The Colonel had been sleeping but it was just about the time he usually woke up. She could see him move and knew that he was awake.

"I brought you a visitor Colonel", she said, walking to the bed followed closely by a nervous looking archaeologist. "Daniel is here to see you. He's missed you Sir."

She could see him begin to curl up – his automatic response to a stressful situation. But midway he stopped and froze. She didn't know what it meant, but suddenly he relaxed and straightened out. She turned to Daniel and smiled.

"You're glad to have him here, aren't you Sir?" she asked softly. She reached out and took the prone man's hand. She waited and then spoke again. "Do you want him to stay?" She held her breath until, a moment later there was a gentle squeeze. This time she gave a wide grin and nodded at Daniel. "That's the way Sir. Daniel, why don't you pull up a chair and sit here and tell the Colonel what you've been up to?"

Daniel carefully pulled the chair closer and sat down. He looked at the man in the bed and had to take a deep breath to keep from crying. He looked better than the last time he'd seen him, but he still looked so sick and lost. "Hi J – uh hi there. I'm glad to see you." He suddenly realized he didn't know what to call O'Neill. He never called him Sir or Colonel and it didn't feel right to use either. Instead he didn't call him anything, which he knew was as bad. "I missed you, you know. There hasn't been anyone around to bug me or to play with my artifacts, although I guess you'd call them my rocks." Daniel frowned, realizing that that somehow sounded bad, although then he shrugged. He didn't think Jack was up to catching double entendres anyway.

Sam sat back and grinned as she watched Daniel chatting away to the Colonel. The best part of it was how relaxed O'Neill appeared. He also seemed to be listening to the other man. She could feel herself relax as well and sat back in her chair, allowing the drone of Daniel's voice to soothe her. In a few moments she was sound asleep.

"Sam suggested I tell you about some of my latest research. Would you like that?" he asked. There was a quick movement from the Colonel – and Daniel wanted to laugh. That had gotten a reaction all right. For the first time since Jack had returned Daniel began to have hope. "It's really interesting", he said. "I've been reading about the relationship between ancient Mesopotamian religions and the beginning of the monotheistic traditions that began in the Middle East. You'd think there wouldn't be -"Daniel stopped suddenly and looked at Jack – who was glaring at him.

"Uh – you don't want me to continue?" he asked softly, not wanting to interrupt the moment or frighten Jack by making him realize he was looking directly at someone. The glare intensified and he smiled. "Okay – no talk of Mesopotamia. Uh, how about hockey? The LA Kings and the Montreal Canadiens are going to be in the Stanley Cup this year. If you want I could bring in a TV and you could watch it. Would you like that?"

Jack continued to watch him and then blinked a couple of times. Suddenly his eyes began to look around the room, almost as if he were waking up. The next thing Daniel knew Jack started to cry. Oh God – what had he done? He stood up and moved to Jack's side. "Sam", he whispered, unsure of what to do.

She started and sat up suddenly. "What Daniel?" She looked over and saw Jack crying and Daniel standing there, looking frightened.

"What happened?" she stood and went to the Colonel and put her arm around him. "Sir? What's wrong?"

He reached and took her hand but continued to cry – silently. He pulled her hand towards his face and lifted their clasped hands to his cheeks.

Sam looked at Daniel in confusion. "What happened?" she asked again.

"I just – told him who was in the Stanley Cup and asked him if he'd like to watch it on TV."

"O – kay", she said. "Sir – it's all right. We're here."

Daniel stood by, feeling horribly guilty. God, what had he done? He closed his eyes, praying that he hadn't messed things up and set back Jack's recovery. Maybe he should go get Janet. Maybe he should leave because his presence was obviously upsetting his friend.

Before he had a chance to move he felt something. He opened his eyes and looked down curiously – to see the Colonel's other hand nudging him gently. The man couldn't open his hand or really grasp anything, but he was definitely touching him.

Daniel looked up, to again see the Colonel's eyes on him. "Sam", Daniel said softly.

She glanced up as well – to see the Colonel now looking directly at _her_. "Oh my God Sir", she whispered. "You're looking at us! That's wonderful." She smiled and leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Good for you!" She then noticed that Daniel had taken the Colonel's other hand.

O'Neill's tears slowly began to stop, but he didn't stop watching the two people standing by his bed. Every once in a while his eyes would drop, as if he suddenly grew frightened, but then they could see him take a deep breath and look up again.

Both Daniel and Sam knew that they were seeing something momentous. He'd moved beyond the fear and had taken a huge step forward. They knew it wasn't the end – there was a long way for him to go – but it was the first positive thing they'd really seen and it filled them with hope.

"What did you do Daniel? This couldn't just have been about hockey?" She wanted to laugh when the Colonel abruptly turned his eyes on Daniel and looked – oh God – he was _glaring_ at the younger man. But it was an affectionate glare, one she'd seen many times from O'Neill. Suddenly she could feel the tears gather in her own eyes and knew she was going to lose it at any moment.

"Uh – I started to tell him about my research into Mesopotamian religions."

Sam laughed out loud. She couldn't help it. Of all things to get a reaction from the Colonel it was Daniel and one of his monologues. "Oh Sir – this is priceless!" she said, giggling.

She missed O'Neill's look toward her, but Daniel caught it. It was a look of gratitude and of _faith_ and trust. Daniel smiled and watched as Jack's eyes turned towards him. He wasn't positive – but was pretty sure that Jack had winked at him. The next thing Daniel knew, he too was crying.

Shortly afterward Jack fell asleep, his hands still held in those of his friends. When Janet walked in a while later it was to see three sleeping people, all of them with traces of tears on their cheeks and smiles on their lips.


	9. Friends

Jack made slow but steady progress after the breakthrough with Sam and Daniel. He still wouldn't look at everyone, but he was able to do so with those he knew and with whom he felt comfortable. At this point that included Janet and a few of the nurses.

He was able to communicate in small ways, mostly by nodding or shaking his head, or, if Sam or Daniel were with him by squeezing their hands. He still seemed to relax more when Sam was with him, although he was also good with Daniel.

They began giving him solids, and again there was a problem with him being unable – or unwilling – to feed himself. At first Janet thought it was his hands that were causing the problem, but she soon realized that he just _wouldn't_ use them for anything other than touching his friends.

They were all shocked and dismayed the time they caught him trying to bend over and eat with his mouth. He'd seemed to realize the reaction this had engendered and had curled up – this time not in fear, but in humiliation.

After that it had been hard to get him to eat at all. It was finally Janet who laid down the law, telling him to stop being silly and just eat. "I'm not going to let you starve yourself, Sir", she told him gently but firmly. "If you don't want to use your hands then we'll help you, but you _have_ to eat."

After a few minutes of stubborn silence he gave a single nod. After that he'd accept food, but only from one of the nurses and only if his friends weren't in the room. He did it grudgingly and seemed to be waging an inner battle with himself.

His sense of self and his incredible courage finally won out when one day he refused to open his mouth but put out his hand to the nurse. At first she didn't understand and kept trying to feed him. It finally took him hitting the bed with his hand to get her attention. He again put out his hand and her eyes grew big. "Do you want to feed yourself Sir?" she asked.

He nodded, although he refused to look her in the eye. She smiled and gently helped him with the spoon. It was difficult for him as he really couldn't grasp it, so she kept her hand around his. He was the one, however, who directed it to his mouth and took a bite.

The process took a long time, and was painstaking, but he seemed to be in a better mood afterward. Nurse Alvarez – the one who had been with him – left the room with a smile. "Ma'am", she knocked on Dr. Frasier's door. "The Colonel insisted he feed himself today, but I think we need to get something so he can hold the utensils by himself."

Janet looked up, a surprised and then pleased look coming over her face. "Thank you Nurse, that's wonderful."

"I know of a place that sells implements for people who are disabled", the Nurse continued. "I could see if I could find something for him?"

"Good idea. Go ahead, although he'll probably hate it if I know the Colonel."

"Yes Ma'am", Alvarez grinned. "But I think he'll like it better than being fed. He really hated that."

So in the end they found a fork and spoon that attached with straps to his hand and wrist and allowed him to eat on his own. He wasn't able to cut things for himself so they were careful to give him things that were easy to eat.

* * *

><p>One day Daniel saw him frowning down at his plate. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked the still silent man.<p>

Jack glanced up at him and shrugged. His ability to communicate was limited to simple yes/no answers and Daniel knew they had to figure something out soon.

"Uh – not happy with your lunch?"

Jack shook his head, staring morosely at the mashed potatoes and meatloaf, cut into small pieces. There were mixed vegetables, which were spread all over his plate and a few more on his bed. Daniel was pretty sure they were hard for Jack to pick up with limited hand coordination and strength.

"Would you like me to bring you something from off base?" Daniel asked suddenly. The poor man had had nothing but Infirmary food for days.

The pleased expression on Jack's face made him want to laugh. He looked like a little boy promised a treat.

"Okay – what would you like?"

Jack looked at him with frustration and Daniel grinned. "Okay – let's do it this way. How about Thai food?"

Jack thought for a moment and shook his head.

"Mexican?"

That took more thought but again Jack shook his head, this time more slowly.

Daniel grinned even wider. "Hmm, let's see. How about – pizza?"

That actually got a smile – one of the few Daniel had seen since the Colonel had been returned to them.

"So, what kind?" He laughed at the look of disgust that crossed Jack's face. "I know – I shouldn't have to ask. You want the supreme with extra mushrooms and olives?"

Jack nodded and allowed a small grin to appear. He raised a single eyebrow and Daniel narrowed his eyes.

"Nope – no way Jack. Janet would _kill_ me if I brought you any beer."

Jack actually pouted at that, which caused Daniel's heart to swell with gratitude. The Colonel was slowly coming back to them.

"I'll bring you a pizza for dinner, okay? Would you like Sam and me to join you? We could have a team night."

There was a moment of stunned silence. At least it was always silence with Jack, but it was the stunned part that worried Daniel. It was as if the Colonel was frightened by the idea. After a moment, however, he nodded, slowly. He still had a puzzled look on his face and scanned the room – almost as if looking for something.

Daniel had a strange thought, and worried that maybe he was making a mistake, but decided to go for it anyway. "Uh – would you like me to invite Teal'c?"

Jack froze, looking confused. Daniel could see him trying to search his memory, as if the name sounded familiar, but wasn't quite there yet. After a few seconds Jack looked up at him, a look of real distress on his face.

Daniel moved closer and reached out and took Jack's hand. The touch always seemed to help him and he could feel the older man relax slightly. "Do you remember Teal'c?" he asked gently.

Jack slowly shook his head, although it was hesitant, as if there was some bit of recognition. He looked at Daniel again and squeezed his hand, as if asking him to continue.

Daniel sighed softly. "Well, he's a big guy – a really big guy with dark skin. He speaks very formally, but he's a close friend. Does any of this sound familiar?"

At the words 'big guy' Jack had looked frightened, but then he nodded, although there was still a confused look on his face.

"He missed you Jack", Daniel said. "He's a close friend and won't let anyone hurt you. He's a great protector. I know he'd like to join us for pizza, if you're okay with that?"

Jack sat for a few minutes, simply looking down at his hand, which was clasped in that of his friend's. Finally he nodded – slowly – and then looked up at Daniel as if he'd made a decision. He then nodded more vigorously. Teal'c could come.

"He'll be happy Jack", he said. He then stood and slowly pulled his hand away. "I'm going to go tell Sam and Teal'c now, okay? I think Sam will be here in a bit." He glanced down at the tray. "Hey, do you want that cookie?"

Jack's eyes narrowed and slowly, carefully he reached over and managed to pick it up with his good hand. He then lifted it to his mouth and took a bite.

Daniel rolled his eyes and then laughed. "Yeah, okay. But I'm not going to share any extra pizza with you!"

Jack was still smiling as Daniel left.

* * *

><p>The archaeologist found his teammates sitting in the commissary. Sam looked tired and Teal'c appeared depressed.<p>

"Hey guys", Daniel sat down, nursing a cup of coffee and a cookie. "How's it going?"

"It is going just fine Daniel Jackson", Teal'c said.

"Everything's okay Daniel", Sam said, staring down at her coffee. "What's up?"

"Well, I was just in Jack's room."

"How is O'Neill doing?" Teal'c wanted to know. He looked at Daniel closely, anxious for any news about his friend.

"Really well actually, although he was complaining about the food."

"_Complaining_?" Sam asked. "How?"

"Hey, you know Jack! He can communicate really well with just his scowls and his eyebrows."

"He can indeed", said the alien with the most expressive eyebrows on the planet. "What did you do?"

"Well, I found out he wants pizza", he said triumphantly.

"_Pizza_?" laughed Sam. "Of course, we should have known."

"But not only that", Daniel leaned forward and whispered. "He wants a team night."

If anything, that made Teal'c look even more depressed, although Sam smiled. "Really?"

"Mmm hmm, although I told him he couldn't have any beer. But guess what else?" This time he looked at Teal'c.

"What Daniel Jackson?"

"He said that he wants Teal'c to come."

There was silence at the table for a few seconds until Teal'c leaned forward. "How is that possible?" the Jaffa wanted to know. "He cannot speak."

"Well, I asked him about a team night and he kept looking around as if there was something missing. So I asked him if he wanted you to come too and he said yes – quite definitely. He knows you're part of our team Teal'c!"

It was one of the few times in his memory that Daniel had seen Teal'c overcome with emotion. It's not that the big guy cried, but his face got all – crinkly. Daniel was both embarrassed and yet pleased for his friend. He knew how much Teal'c had suffered over the loss of Jack.

"Will I not frighten him with the mark on my forehead?" Teal'c asked a moment later.

"Hmm", Daniel thought for a moment. "It's possible. What if you wear a hat so he can't see it – and come dressed really casually and try not to look intimidating."

"Daniel", Sam laughed. "You're going to freak poor Teal'c out, although I do think the hat is a good idea." She thought for a moment. "Just don't wear a gangster hat."

Daniel laughed at that and soon even Teal'c was looking happier. The conversation turned into a debate about what kind of hat Teal'c should wear.

* * *

><p>After Daniel had left, Jack lay back and tried to get his head around all that was happening. He still expected the reality he was in to disappear, although day by day he began to allow himself some small bit of belief that maybe, just maybe, <em>this<em> was real.

He also started to build back his sense of self, although it was with a tenuous confidence that could easily be destroyed. For now, however, he was taking slow steps forward – always expecting the worst, but allowing himself to hope that he wouldn't be punished for trying to reclaim his humanity.

Having Daniel as part of the small group he trusted had helped. But it was her – _Sam_ – who made him want to go on, to get better, to become himself once more. He had no real idea why that was, but decided to simply allow it to happen. He needed her and that was all he knew.

There were still many things that stood in his way – that kept him down and made him sure that he was less than the man he had once been. He couldn't speak and didn't believe he ever would, no matter how often they tried to convince him to try. He didn't want to try, he was too afraid to try – because to try was surely to fail, and he didn't think he could take that.

And then there was his body. He knew he was no longer the strong, agile man he had once been. He was damaged, irreparably and he didn't know how to cope. For now he allowed himself to simply enjoy the comfort that surrounded him, but he knew that wouldn't last. Whatever happened, whether he woke up and found himself once again in Raijin's clutches, or this turned out to be real and he faced life as damaged old soldier, he knew things didn't look good.

But for right now, at this moment, he wasn't going to think about that. Instead he was going to think about pizza and team night.

There was a faint knock on the door and it opened to reveal Sam, with a big smile on her face and a six pack of root beer in her hands. She was followed by Daniel, who carried two large pizza boxes, wafting with the smell of cheese and sauce and everything delicious.

Jack managed to press the button to lift the head of the bed and could feel his mouth watering. So intent was he on the pizza that he didn't see the third person who stepped in the room.

At least he didn't see him right away. It was after staring at the pizza, not noticing the smiles on the faces of the two younger members of the team, that he noticed a slight bit of movement. He lifted his head, to find a large, a very large black man looking at him.

He felt a moment of fear, but that faded almost instantly at seeing the expression on the man's face. He looked both worried and hopeful. On top of that was the fact that he was wearing a wool cap on his head with a – Jack squinted – a picture on it. After a few seconds his face relaxed. It was a picture of a duck.

This must be Teal'c! Hell, he _knew_ it was Teal'c. He recognized him and felt a sense of peace wash over him. This was his – his _buddy_, his brother. There was a moment of returning fear when he remembered the word Jaffa, but he quickly pushed that from his mind and instead pictured Teal'c – being eaten by mosquitoes. He rested his head back against his pillow and continued to watch the big guy.

"Colonel", Teal'c bowed his head, an uncertain look on his face.

Jack frowned. There was something wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Instead he blinked and nodded at Teal'c.

"It is good to see you. You appear to be doing much better O - Colonel."

Right – much better than what, Jack asked himself. A vegetable? Still, he nodded again, but immediately his eyes tracked over towards the pizza. Teal'c was fine but right now he couldn't compete with the smell coming from the boxes. For the first time since he'd been – in this place – he felt hungry. Immediately his stomach growled.

This seemed to relieve the tension in the room as everyone laughed, at least everyone but Teal'c, who continued to watch him closely. Jack wasn't quite sure what to do.

"Okay, let's get eating", Daniel said happily. "Uh – let's see." He considered the pizza for a moment and then grinned. With a flourish he grabbed a towel and put it over Jack. "Pizza is messy and you _always_ get it on yourself", he said simply. He then took a piece and folded it in half lengthwise and grabbed Jack's hand. "Okay, lets figure this out." He carefully placed the folded pizza in Jack's half-open hand. It seemed to hold so Daniel let go. "Voila!" he said. "Let me know if you need help at the end, and don't worry if it falls. That's what the towel is for."

Even a few days ago Jack would have been embarrassed at his inability to hold things properly, but Daniel was so matter-of-fact about it that it took away any discomfort. Besides that, he had pizza and he wanted a bite.

He slowly put it to his mouth and took a big bite of the best pizza he could remember eating. Not that he really remembered eating it, although he knew the memory was in the back of his mind somewhere. What he _did_ know was that he actually _was_ in heaven. He closed his eyes and chewed.

His three friends each looked at each other, overcome with emotion to see him enjoying something so simple. It had been a long time.

"Do you want some root beer Sir?" Sam asked a few minutes later. He scowled and everyone laughed, understanding that it wasn't _root_ beer he wanted. But then he shrugged and nodded and she held the can up to him and let him drink through the straw.

In the end he couldn't really eat that much. He was too used to being starved and could only eat small amounts at a time. But he had enjoyed the little he had had. What had been even better was the laughter and camaraderie that surrounded him. Although he hated that he couldn't take part, he enjoyed listening to the three of his – he froze and stared. They were his _friends! _He felt the tears gather as an awareness of who these people were to him really began to sink in.

Daniel, Sam and Teal'c all looked at him in concern. A moment ago he'd appeared happy, now he looked like he was ready to cry. "Colonel?" Daniel asked softly. "Are you okay?"

He forced himself to nod and then he reached out and touched Daniel's arm. Next he moved it to touch Sam on the knee and finally he looked at Teal'c. After a brief pause he held out his hand. Teal'c froze and then slowly and carefully he reached out and took the Colonel's hand and grasped it gently.

"It is good to see you again my friend", the big man said quietly. Jack smiled and nodded.

The party broke up a short time later as the nurse came in to check on the Colonel and to give him his evening meds. She smiled at the assembled group but told them it was time for the Colonel to get some rest.

"He has a big day tomorrow", she told them gently.

"Good night Sir", Sam said, leaning over and giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She'd gotten in the habit of doing it each night and Jack seemed to expect it.

Daniel then patted him on the shoulder and also said good night. "And you'll notice I didn't leave you any pizza Colonel", he said. "That's because you wouldn't give me your cookie!"

Jack actually stuck his tongue out at the younger man, causing Sam to giggle and the nurse to roll her eyes.

Teal'c stepped up to the bed and looked at his friend with solemn eyes. "You are a brave man my friend", he told his friend. "I am honored to be your brother."

After the three had gone the nurse lowered his bed and turned the lights down low. "Call if you need anything Sir", she said as she left. It was only after she'd gone that Jack let out deep breath. The evening had been wonderful, but starting tomorrow he knew that things were again going to get hard. He had given allowed himself this time – but he knew he was about to pay for it.


	10. Healing

"Good morning Colonel." Janet leaned over the sleeping man and watched as he slowly woke up. She gave him a smile and patted his shoulder once he'd opened his eyes. "It's good to see you Sir. I hear you had a party in here last night."

Jack blinked a couple of times, still rather groggy with sleep. He couldn't figure out why he always felt so tired. It's not like he was doing anything. He finally nodded at the doctor, wondering suddenly why she was here.

"Don't you remember Sir? Today's the day of your surgery. Dr. Kessler and Dr. Rand are here and they're going to operate on your right hand and arm and see if we can't get them fixed up. How are you feeling?"

He managed to push himself up a bit and then shrugged. He felt about the same as he always felt, aching, in pain, depressed. He glanced down at his hands, hating the heavy scars and the way they no longer worked properly. He hoped this surgery would help, but the Doctor hadn't been optimistic.

Dr. Kessler, the hand doctor, had been in to see him last week. He was a short, stocky man with an abrupt manner. He'd grabbed Jack's hand without even asking permission, which had caused the Colonel to suffer a panic attack. He'd been sure he was about to be hurt.

After that had been sorted out, and the Colonel had been given a mild sedative to calm him down, the Doctor had again examined his hands, this time grudgingly asking permission.

He pressed and pulled, poked and prodded and then had sat with a frown. "After looking at the X-Rays it's clear that the damage was quite extensive", he said. "The right hand needs extensive surgery, and it will improve it somewhat, although it's impossible to say how much agility you'll get back. Of course Dr. Rand will also operate on your elbow and forearm, which may help. Some of the nerve damage is from there, rather than from your hand and it will affect your movement and ability to feel. The good news is the left hand is in better shape and that one should have better results. Are you right-handed?"

Jack nodded, although he continued to stare down at his hand, which the doctor was still pressing.

"Oh, well, you'll get so you can do more with your left hand with practice", the doctor said callously.

After he'd gone Jack had gone through a couple of days feeling severely depressed although no one really picked up on it since he slept, or pretended to sleep, most of the time.

"The nurse is going to come in and give you a shot of something to relax you Colonel." Janet laughed at his look of death and then patted his shoulder. "You'll do just fine."

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c came into see him as soon as the nurse left and teased and harassed him enough to take his mind off things for a few minutes. By the time they left he was sleepy and relaxed. The next thing he knew he was being wheeled to the operating theatre.

"He was nervous", Sam said quietly to her companions.

"Yeah", Daniel sighed. "I hate that Dr. Kessler. I think he made Jack feel worse than before."

"But he's supposed to be one of the best hand surgeons in the country", Sam told him.

"That may be true Major Carter, but he is a kra' tok", Teal'c scowled.

"Uh and that is?"

"You probably don't want to know" Daniel told her. "But I agree with Teal'c. Oh well, as long as he's good I guess that's what matters and I liked Dr. Rand."

"I just wish there was something else we could do", Sam sat with her chin cradled in her hands. The doctors had decided to do the two surgeries at the same time, reducing the total number of operations Jack would have to have. Dr. Rand, an orthopedic surgeon, was going to go in and fix his elbow, which had been broken at one point and then healed improperly. The same thing had happened to his radius, which the doctor said needed to be rebroken and set with pins. After Rand was finished, Dr. Kessler would then work on his hand. The two surgeries would take many hours as there was a lot of intricate work needed to repair all the damage, especially that in his hand.

The rest of Sg1 were on light duty and weren't yet travelling through the gate while O'Neill recuperated. The General had decided that it was more important that they be there for the Colonel besides which he knew they weren't in any shape to be in the field.

"Do you think a healing device would help?" Daniel asked again. They'd discussed it many times, including with Janet. From what they'd learned about the device from the Tokra, it helped enhance the body's own healing ability, dramatically speeding up healing time and repairing tissue. They were told that for long standing, or already healed damage it was much less effective.

"It might", Sam said, sitting up straighter. "I mean, with surgery there will be fresh wounds and healing so it should work for that. I just wish we had the one we brought back with us because otherwise the Colonel is going to have to be in a cast for a long time."

"Why do we not have it?" Teal'c asked.

"It's in Nevada", Sam said. "They tried to figure out how it worked, but they couldn't, not without tearing it apart. As far as I know it's locked up still."

"Could we not ask General Hammond to requisition it for use on O'Neill?"

"Yeah, that's a great idea Sam", Daniel said, sounding excited.

"But who would -" She stopped at the looks from the two men. "No. No way. I don't know how to use it properly. I could do more harm than good."

"You don't know that Sam. You've used it before and it worked."

"Barely! And what if I end up making things worse. There's no way I want to hurt the Colonel."

Daniel sighed and dropped his head onto his hand. "I guess, but I still think it's worth a try."

"Why do we not see if we can contact the Tokra again" Teal'c said. "I am sure Anise and Freya would be willing to return. She did offer to help."

Figuring it wouldn't hurt to try, even though they'd been unable to contact their allies for the last couple of weeks, the three of them made their way to the General's office. When they couldn't find him there they checked out the command center to see him standing and talking to Walter.

"What is it Sg1?" he asked, turning to the three members of the team standing looking at him expectantly.

"Sir, we were wondering if it would be possible to try the Tokra again?" Sam asked. "We were thinking that the healing device might be useful after the Colonel's surgery."

Walter was sporting a grin and even the General relaxed and smiled. "I'm afraid we're ahead of you Major", Hammond said. "I just spoke to To'ran of the Tokra and asked for that very thing. They are going to send someone through as soon as they can. They said that all of their available people were on missions, but that someone should be able to come in the next day or two."

"That's great General!" Daniel beamed.

"Yes, well these stars _do_ mean I have some ideas occasionally Dr. Jackson."

"Oh, I know you do Sir", Daniel grinned. "And we're glad. Do we know who's coming?"

"No, they didn't say", Hammond told him.

"Uh Sir, I assume Janet knows about this?" Sam asked hesitatingly.

"It was actually her idea", the General admitted. "She and Dr. Warner came to me this morning, before the Colonel went for surgery."

"Do you ever feel like everyone is ahead of us?" Daniel asked Teal'c and Sam, with a shake of his head. "We should have thought of this days ago."

"You have all been worried about the Colonel and spending a lot of time with him", Hammond said gently. "You have done a wonderful job helping him get better – both doctors Frasier and Warner have said as much. But you don't have to do everything Dr. Jackson, nor do you have to figure everything out. Let the doctors handle some things."

The dark haired man nodded and pushed up his glasses. "As long as it helps."

It wasn't until much later that evening that the team could see O'Neill. He was still groggy from the surgery. When they walked into his room it was to see him with his hand and arm up on a pillow, the hand bandaged heavily and his arm in a brace. They could also see external pins coming from his elbow, which looked painful even though he didn't appear to notice them.

"Hi Sir", Sam said softly, placing her hand on his left one. "I hear the surgery went well. How are you feeling?"

He shrugged slightly, with his left shoulder, but other than that didn't respond. None of them could tell, by looking at him, what he was thinking.

"Are you thirsty Colonel?" It was Teal'c who asked. When Jack nodded he held the glass with the straw up to his lips. "We are pleased you are doing well", the Jaffa said.

Jack stopped drinking and raised his eyebrow and then returned to drinking.

"I'm sure you're tired", Sam said after a few minutes. "We should leave you to sleep. We can check on you tomorrow."

At that Jack's eyes turned to her. Although he still didn't speak, and since he couldn't touch her as she was standing on his right side, he simply looked at her.

She stared at him for a few seconds, reading something in his eyes. "Would you like me to stay with you a while Sir?"

He glanced at the two men and then looked back at Sam and nodded.

"Okay then, I'll stay." She looked around and then walked around the bed to the other side and grabbed a chair. Pulling it up to the bed she sat down and reached for his left hand. "There Colonel. Why don't you close your eyes and rest? I'll be right here."

Two minutes later he was sleeping and Teal'c and Daniel tiptoed out of the room.

Jack had a restless night, waking up in the middle of the night in quite a bit of pain. After the nurse checked on him she gave him some more pain medication and he was soon back asleep. Sam stayed with him the entire night.

It was the next morning and she was dozing in her chair, when someone tapped her shoulder.

"Yeah?" she mumbled, stretching slightly. She turned around to see Daniel standing behind her.

"We just got a message from the Tokra", he whispered. "They're sending someone through in twenty minutes."

"Oh!' She stood slowly and stretched again and then looked down at the Colonel. He'd woken up early that morning, again in pain, and had been given another dose of pain medication. The nurse on duty said he'd probably sleep for a few hours.  
>"I'll come", she told Daniel. "He's sleeping soundly now."<p>

"How was he?" Daniel asked softly.

"He had a rough night. He was in a lot of pain off and on but he should sleep for a while. Come on, I want to see who it is they send through."

By the time they arrived in the gate room, the gate had started to turn and Walter announced an incoming traveller. A moment later he nodded and looked at the General, who was standing beside him. "It's the Tokra Sir."

"Good, open it up Walter and let's welcome our visitor." By this time Teal'c had joined them and they all made their way down to the gate room." A moment later they heard and saw the kawoosh of the event horizon, followed quickly by a male figure walking through and onto the ramp.

"_Dad_!" Sam smiled and rushed forward to meet Jacob. He gave her a fierce hug.

"Hi kiddo! How are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Why did they send you?" she hugged him back. "Not that I don't want you here", she grinned, "but we expected Anise and Freya."

Jacob laughed and turned towards the others, his arm still around his daughter. "Well, she wanted to come – quite badly actually – but I claimed seniority. I told them that since Jack was a close friend and because of my knowledge of humans I was the one to go. The High Council agreed."

"I'm glad", Sam gave her father another hug. "You know about the Colonel?"

His expression grew sober. "I've been away on a mission and only returned yesterday and it was then I found out he'd been found." Jacob had spent quite a bit of time looking for O'Neill when he was first captured, but eventually had to resume his missions for the Tokra. Still, he'd kept his eyes and ears open, but had heard nothing until his return.

"How is he?" he asked the assembled group. Noting their serious expressions he sighed. He had heard it was bad from Samel, but by the look of things the Colonel was still not doing too well.

"He was – hurt very badly', his daughter told him.

"It's more the psychological wounds we're worried about", Daniel told him. "He was tortured for months and -"

"I know", sighed the former General. "Well let's hope the healing device can at least help some of the physical wounds. Does he – is he coherent?"

As they walked slowly back to the briefing room the three members of Sg1 and the General slowly gave him the details of the Colonel's condition. "He's doing a lot better than he was Jacob", Hammond told him. "His team have been amazing and he's comfortable around them." He smiled. "I even heard they had a pizza party last night!"

"It was a team night Sir", Sam smiled. "He wanted beer but Janet only allowed him _root_ beer. Still, he seemed to enjoy it."

"Good – that's good. But he can't speak?" Jacob said worriedly. He knew Jack well enough to know how bad that was. It would be awful for anyone, but for someone who relied so heavily on words to deal with things it would be devastating.

"No. Well, at least the doctor thinks he _should _be able to speak, but he refuses to try. The Goa'uld used some kind of device to damage his vocal chords, although the specialist thinks it isn't permanent and with therapy he should be able to speak."

"Mmm. If the Goa'uld – it was Raijin, is that right?" At everyone's nod he continued. "If he did that he probably also used torture and conditioning to keep the Colonel from speaking."

"Yeah, we figure it's as much psychological as physical" Daniel agreed. "And that's harder to deal with."

"Yeah. Well maybe I can help."

"How?" Sam asked.

Her father reached into his pocket and held up the healing device. "We'll convince him we've healed some of the damage and maybe then he'll try. He probably believes that he _can't_ so this might help him."

"Can you? Will it heal the damage?"

"Possibly, although by this time it probably won't do much. It might enhance any natural healing that's taking place. By I have a feeling this is mostly about what he believes, rather than what is true."

They all nodded, suddenly feeling more optimistic now that Jacob was here. He might just be what the Colonel needed.

It was later that afternoon before Janet decided the Colonel was up to seeing Jacob. She tried to prepare him, although got little reaction from him so wasn't sure how he felt about the new visitor. When Jacob walked in he didn't do much more than blink at the man, which again didn't give anyone much of a clue as to how he really felt.

"So Colonel, it's good to see you", Jacob said, more gently than he normally spoke to O'Neill. "We all missed having you around."

There was a pause but then Jack nodded, giving the Tokra and former general some acknowledgement.

"I hear you just got out of surgery?" Jacob glanced down at the contraption on Jack's arm and the heavy bandaging on his hand. "I thought I'd offer a bit of help, if you're willing?"

When Jack gave him a puzzled frown, Jacob smiled. "I brought a healing device. I thought I could use it on you and help speed up your recuperation. How do you feel about that?"

It was obvious that Jack felt nervous as he visibly grew tense and the lines on his face deepened.

"I won't do it if you don't want me to J – uh Colonel. But I'm willing to try and it might help a bit. What do you say?"

Jack licked his lips, and glanced over to where Sam and Janet were standing, silently regarding him. At his look Janet stepped forward. "I think it might be a good idea Sir. It certainly will get you out of that thing a bit sooner."

Jack regarded the brace with a disgusted look and then lifted his head. He nodded sharply, indicating he wanted Jacob to try.

"You realize this isn't a miracle cure, right Jack?" Jacob explained as he reached into his pocket for the device. "It will have a limited affect."

Jack nodded. This had all been explained to him previously, His breath hitched when he saw the device, the memory of Raijin using it on him, when they'd gone a bit too far in their torture, rising to the surface.

It's not that he had anything against the actual device. In fact, when Raijin had used it it had meant a certain level of relief. The Goa'uld never used it enough to heal him completely, but enough to keep him from dying. Still, seeing it plainly brought back all sorts of memories he really didn't want to have.

"Why don't you close your eyes Jack", Jacob said gently. "Just try and relax and I'll do this quickly, okay?"

Jack nodded and did as Jacob suggested. Once he was reasonably relaxed, Jacob took the healing device and held it over the Colonel. Making sure that O'Neill had his eyes closed, Jacob bent his head and let Selmak take over. She was much better at using the healing device, having had centuries to perfect the art.

Jack felt a strange buzz and then a warmth spread through him as the healing device began to work. There was some discomfort on his arm and hand, although he wouldn't have called it pain exactly. It was more like the feeling of pins and needles you got after having your arm fall asleep. He allowed he feeling to wash over him and soon began to feel sleepy. He allowed himself to drift, and eventually fell into a deep, and healing sleep.

By the time Selmac was finished, both she and Jacob were exhausted. She gave back control to the human, who immediately stumbled and would have fallen if it weren't for Teal'c standing by him and steadying him.

"Thanks Teal'c", Jacob said, sounding out of breath.

"You are welcome Jacob Carter", the Jaffa said.

"Did it work Dad?" Sam asked anxiously.

"Selmac said it did. Like I told you, it won't heal him completely, but it helped. He should be able to get rid of the brace and the bandages."

"What about his throat?" Daniel whispered.

With a look at Jack, Janet stepped forward. "We should continue this discussion in the hall. I don't want to disturb the Colonel."

Jacob and Sg1 followed her out of the room and then all looked at Jacob, waiting for his answer.

"Well, that's hard to say. I could certainly sense some damage there, but I couldn't tell if Selmac managed to heal anything or not. We'll have to wait and see. Now we _were_ able to heal his kidneys – and his heart." He held up his hand at his daughter's shocked exclamation. "It wasn't too bad to begin with, but now it's fine. There were a few other internal things which we were able to fix but there were also some things that are beyond the healing device."

"What did you sense Jacob?" Janet wanted to know. Their tests hadn't revealed much if anything in the way of internal, organ damage so she was curious what else the alien device had picked up.

"Well, his knees for one. He's torn them all to hell and he's going to need surgery. The healing device will help after that."

"Thanks Dad, Selmak", Sam smiled and gave her father a hug after he finished telling Janet what he'd found. "Why don't you come to the Commissary and have something to eat. I know you're exhausted."

"How are _you_ doing Sam", her father asked her once they'd sat down with a tray of food and drinks. "You're looking tired."

"Yeah", she sighed, "but I'm happy that we got the Colonel back. He relies on us right now, but at least he's getting better."

"You realize don't you that he probably won't ever be completely better? He's gone through major trauma Sam and that will stay with him for the rest of his life. He may", he stopped and took a breath, "he's not going to be the same person after this."

"I know", she said softly, looking down. "But at least he's alive."

Jacob reached out and laid his hand over his daughter's. "Yes, and we're all grateful for that. But – you know that soon you're going to have to let go don't you? He's going to need professional help and long term therapy. You can't give up your life for that. You know he wouldn't expect that of you."

Sam's eyes filled with tears and she looked down at the table. "He has no one else Dad – no one but his team."

Jacob sighed and squeezed her hand and then pulled his away. "I know – and you'll always be his friend, but you _can't_ give up your life for his. Sam, you're young, you have a whole life in front of you and Jack would hate it if you gave that up to look after him. You know he would."

Sam didn't reply, but kept looking down at her hands. After a few seconds of silence she lifted her head. "What is going to happen in the future – well, none of us knows for sure, but for _now_ I'm here for him. He needs me – he needs _us_ and I'm not going to desert him. He taught us to never leave anyone behind. Well, we did leave him Dad – we left him in the hands of a sadistic Goa'uld for months, and we're not going to leave him again."

Jacob stared at his daughter, both worried sick and yet incredibly proud of her. He finally smiled and nodded. "I'll do what I can to help Sam."

"Thank you."

The next time Jack woke it took him a few minutes to realize he felt different. He couldn't tell quite what it was, but then it dawned on him. He didn't hurt. At least he didn't hurt very much. There were a few places that remained sore, but for the first time since Raijin had captured him he felt – good.

It was a surprise and it frightened him a bit. It took him out of the space he'd grown used to and he felt a bit thrown by it. But after a while he started to enjoy the feeling. No pain – it was something he had expected never to feel again.

Suddenly he felt something strange and looked down at his hand. The almost useless appendage was itching like crazy. It dawned on him that it _was itching like crazy!_ He'd barely had any feeling in it for months and now it was driving him insane.

He smiled.

He sat there and watched his hand until, with a deep breath he wiggled his fingers. It was hard and they were stiff and weak – but they actually moved.

He allowed himself a grin. The surgery had clearly had some effect and Jacob's use of the hand device had helped. He could wiggle his fingers and his hand itched. Things were looking up.


	11. Winning

_**Note: the story of the arytenoid cartilages is real and was given to me by my buddy Tamara. She told me this is what her professor used to say and do in the exact same circumstances! Thank you Tamara for the idea.**_

"If we're going to get him to speak", Dr. Warner informed everyone, "I think we're going to have to trick him."

"_Trick_ him? I don't know if I like the sound of that Dr. Warner", Hammond said.

They were in the Briefing room and Sg1, minus the Colonel, General Hammond, the two doctors and Jacob Carter were all in attendance. Dr. Frasier had asked them all to come to plan a coarse of action for the Colonel now that – physically at least – he was on the mend.

"I think he's right Sir", Janet spoke up. "We're not trying to trick him into anything bad, but he has a mental block about speaking. He _believes he can't_ and it's hard to overcome that. An old professor of mine who was an Otolaryngologist actually talked about this very phenomenon. He had a number of patients who had a psychogenic disorder, in other words, they had convinced themselves they couldn't speak and nothing he would say would convince them otherwise."

"So how did he handle it?" Daniel wanted to know.

Frasier smiled. "He tricked them." She went on to explain what she was planning and by the end of her explanation everyone was nodding, although cautiously.

"And what if it does not work?" Teal'c asked.

"Well", Janet sighed. "We won't be any worse off than we are now. I think we should give it a shot."

They discussed details and Dr. Warner agreed to look after it, figuring that the Colonel would be much less suspicious of him than of Janet. After that the meeting broke up and everyone returned to their duties.

Jack was lying flat, his hand raised above his face. He was pleased to see that the scars had faded substantially and were barely visible. And even though the hand was still incredibly weak, he could move it more easily now and had regained full feeling. They had already started him on physical therapy, which was exhausting but as long as he was making progress he could handle it.

The rest of him felt better too, although Janet and Warner had both explained that he needed more surgery. They needed to fix his knees and his left leg below the knee – and both ankles and feet. He grimaced when he thought about how they had become damaged, but then forced himself to stop thinking about it. He had enough to deal with in his dreams, he didn't need to worry about it during the day.

No, the day was left to worry about what was going to happen to him once they let him out of the hospital. His career was finished and he didn't know if there was much else he could do. Partly it depended on how well he healed. Without a voice, and with minimal use of his hands, he had no idea if there was anything he _could_ do. And as much as he'd talked about going to his cabin to fish, he knew he'd get bored with that in a few weeks.

No, life was looking pretty bleak and there were moments when he wished he hadn't survived captivity. It's not that he was suicidal – he wouldn't actively try and kill himself – but he also didn't really want to live. What was there to live _for?_

"Colonel?" Dr. Warner walked into the room and grabbed Jack's chart. "How are you feeling today?"

He'd come to like the quiet doctor in the weeks he'd been back. He hadn't known him that well before, only having had to deal with him on the odd occasion. Janet tended to deal more with the everyday issues and Warner was usually brought in for surgeries or for consults. But Jack had some to realize what a fine doctor he was. He also appreciated that there was no bull-shit about Warner. He was upfront and honest, although with a gentle manner.

He lifted his hand briefly and dropped it back to the bed. It was his sign for 'hi, I'm just hunky dory thank you very much.'

"Good Colonel", Warner smiled and approached the bed, the chart tucked under his arm. "Your hand is looking good – better than we all expected I think. With continued therapy you may get almost full use of it back", Doc told him.

Jack looked at him in surprise. This was the first he'd heard that and suddenly things didn't look _quite _so bleak, at least, that was, until he remembered his voice.

"But then there's your throat and speech", Warner said, almost reading Jack's mind. "I was looking over Dr. Bell's report and have asked him to come back for a consult."

Jack frowned at him. What the hell was this? What good would a consult do? He glared at Warner.

"I know, I'm sure you think it's useless. But your health is much improved since Jacob Carter used the healing device on you. He feels that he was able to do quite a bit to help your vocal cords and I'd to have Dr. Bell check that out. I know you'll want to know for sure Colonel." Warner looked at him expectantly.

Jack wanted to shake his head, to refuse in whatever way he could. But one look at Warner told him that he'd be thought of as a coward for doing that. He didn't even want to imagine what his teammates would say. He knew he'd get the Jaffa eyebrow from Teal'c, nattering from Daniel, blue, water-filled eyes from Sam and hell from Janet. He sighed and nodded.

"That's wonderful Colonel!" Warner beamed at him and Jack felt like a kid again, praised for being a good boy. "I'll arrange it right away. And we're going to be scheduling your remaining surgeries in the next few days. Jacob can stay for a while and afterward we'll have him use the healing device again. That way you won't have a long recuperation and the results will be better."

Jack gave the Doc a wave as he left, not quite sure how he felt. He knew that he wasn't quite as depressed, but nor was he feeling that much more hopeful. He closed his eyes on a silent sigh. Life sucked.

"Colonel!" Dr. Bell walked into the room and gave him a smile. "I hear you're doing better?"

O'Neill nodded, eying the man suspiciously. He was carrying a black medical case and Jack had a sneaking suspicion he knew what was in there.

"That's wonderful. They told me you've healed up quite nicely and have asked me to come reexamine your throat." He looked at the man in the bed seriously. "I know you don't want me to put anything down your throat, but unfortunately that's the only way I can really check. Would you prefer to be sedated?"

Hell yes, thought Jack. He was terrified about something going down there. But he also knew he had to learn to deal with it, and the best way was to simply get it over with. The only problem was, he didn't really want to be alone when it happened.

"If it helps, your teammates and Dr. Frasier have all offered to remain during the test. It might take your mind off of things."

He nodded abruptly. Might as well get it over with now.

"Good for you Colonel! Any preference as to which one you'd like to have come in? They're all waiting in the hallway."

That actually got a grin from him – and an answering one from the doctor. His friends – they were all a bunch of mother hens!

He shrugged, not wanting to make that decision, even though he knew who he'd _always_ like to have hold his hand.

"Why don't I ask Dr. Frasier and one of your teammates to come in? It will be too crowded otherwise."

Jack again nodded and waited as the doctor left the room. He leaned back and closed his eyes, hoping to get his heart to stop trying to escape out of his chest and run screaming down the hallway. Just then the door opened and Dr. Bell walked in, followed by Frasier and Carter. Thank God!

"Hi Sir. I hope it's okay that I came in? If you don't want me to stay I'm happy to have Daniel or Teal'c be with you instead?"

He shook his head and made a motion with his head. He needed her beside him. And if she held his hand, so much the better.

Frasier smiled at him. "Good for you Colonel", she said softly. He blinked. For a moment he thought she was praising him for wanting to hold Sam's hand, but then realized it was for his decision to go ahead with the procedure. He lifted his eyebrow at her but finally nodded.

Dr. Bell spent the next few minutes getting his equipment ready. Jack had to force his eyes away from the instruments of torture – stop, he told himself. Don't even joke about things like that. These were medical tools and all they were going to do was help him. It would _not_ hurt and Sam was with him.

She seemed to sense his angst and moved in front of the good doctor. Frasier was on his other side and suddenly started telling him all sorts of stories about Cassie. He began to relax, thinking again how lucky he was to have such friends.

"Alright Colonel!" Bell came up to the edge of the bed and smiled. "I'm ready to go. This will only take a minute or so. If anything starts to bother you, just hold up your hand and I'll stop immediately, okay? You are in control and I'll do what you want at all times."

Jack gave a jerky nod and took a deep breath. Sam squeezed his hand and Janet reached out and touched his arm. He could do this.

Except when the damn instrument went down his throat he was sure he was going to pass out. He couldn't _breathe_! All he could do was remember Raijin and the pain and humiliation. He felt tears gather in his eyes and wanted to cry –and to scream, but he couldn't. That was the whole point. The sadistic Goa'uld had stolen his voice.

"Hmm", Bell said, pulling out the scope. "Well Colonel, the last time I was here I was able to determine that your arytenoid cartilages were dislocated. Unfortunately the damage was too much to attempt to fix. However – and this is very strange – you have healed remarkably well. Well enough, I would say, that I can fix that up for you. It will only take a second. Can I try?"

Jack looked at him in confusion. The arty _what? _He glanced at Janet and she was smiling and looking like she knew exactly what the Doctor was talking about.

"That's great news Sir", she told him. "Why don't you let him try?"

Sam just nodded at him, a beaming smile on her face. He knew he was defeated. He looked over at Bell and again gave a nod.

"Good. I'm afraid I'm going to have to put this down your throat again, but I promise, it will only be for a few short seconds. That should be all it takes."

He agreed, although he had to take a deep breath. God, he felt like he wanted to puke.

The scope made it's way down his throat for a second time and he could see the Doctor's look of concentration. He felt something touch his throat – inducing almost instant panic, but before he had a chance to react the scope was withdrawn.

"Excellent!" Dr. Bell smiled. "I was able to relocate the arytenoid cartilages and you should now be able to vocalize! Of course, don't expect miracles right away. You'll only be able to whisper at first, and it's important not to overdo it, but with therapy we should have you talking up a storm in no time. Unfortunately your voice may always be soft – softer than before – but you should be able to speak."

Jack nodded his thanks to the doctor, although he wasn't quite sure how he felt about this whole thing. Instead of feeling euphoric, a black cloud descended on him. So he could speak – but _could_ he speak? Did he want to? Did he _deserve_ to. Raijin had had him well-trained and he truly didn't know if he could overcome that.

More than two days had passed since Dr. Bell had left, and he hadn't attempted one word. He hadn't even tried, fearing what, he didn't know. It was crazy. It was irrational, and it was real. He still couldn't speak.

His teammates were disappointed, that he knew and so were Dr. Frasier and Dr. Warner. He hated disappointing them, but he was so afraid!

"I thought for sure he'd try", Daniel said dejectedly as they ate breakfast in the Commissary. Teal'c and Sam were both picking at their food as well.

"I think we keep forgetting what he went through", Sam murmured. "He was tortured for months into _not_ using his voice. Why should we think that one fake cure would make him speak is beyond me."

"O'Neill must try", Teal'c said. "If he does not then he is letting Raijin win."

"Yeah, that may be so, but that doesn't help us now."

"Maybe it should", Teal'c said, suddenly standing up. He looked determined, which wasn't unusual for him, but which caused both of his companions to look at him in concern.

"What are you going to do Teal'c?" Daniel asked worriedly.

"I am going to do what needs to be done", he said. "We have been cautious around O'Neill, which has been necessary. But I believe it is time to make him realize what he is doing."

"But Teal'c!" Sam stood up slowly. "I don't know if we should do anything. He's still fragile."

"No – he is strong", the Jaffa looked ever more determined. He picked up his tray and, without another word, deposited it on the conveyor belt and then headed out the door. Sam and Daniel looked at one another and then they quickly followed him.

Teal'c made his way purposefully down the corridor. As much as he had sounded confident to his friends, inside he was afraid. _Was_ this the right thing to do? Was he making a horrible mistake? Would he do more harm than good? He didn't know, although he did know he would never forgive himself if it turned out to be the case.

He arrived at O'Neill's room and stopped and took a deep breath. He'd passed Janet in the hall and she had given him a quick smile, but was clearly on her way to something else. He didn't see any other medical staff around. He opened the door.

"Colonel", he bowed his head.

Jack glanced up and gave his friend a small smile, although it didn't reach his eyes. It rarely did these days.

"May I ask you a question?" the tall man asked, looking down inscrutably at the still thin and pale man in the bed.

Jack frowned, seeming to realize something momentous was happening. With obvious hesitation he nodded.

"Do you wish Raijin to win?" Teal'c asked.

Jack's head jerked back in shock. What the hell? He scowled at his friend, but made no move to answer.

"I ask again, do you wish Raijin to win?"

Jack pressed his lips together, starting to feel angry.

"You do not answer my friend", Teal'c said softly. "Is it that you do not know, or that you do know but are too afraid to answer?"

Jack's eye's widened – in anger but also surprise. Why was Teal'c being so cruel? So wrapped up was he in confusion and fury that he failed to see the door open and his two other teammates sneak into his room.

Teal'c saw, but ignored them, his eyes only on his friend. He was more afraid than he had been for a long time, but he knew he had to continue. It was too late to stop.

"Raijin held you for many months. He tortured you and hurt you badly but I believe the worst thing he did was to take your voice. He knew this and reveled in being able to defeat you in this way. If you continue to not speak, you will have let him be victorious. He will always be able to say that he was the one to vanquish the great O – the great leader of the Tauri!"

Jack stared at him. But he _had_. Raijin had defeated him. He had vanquished him. There was nothing left of the man he was and he knew that. What use was it to try and fight it? He leaned back and closed his eyes, feeling even more defeated than he had before.

"Teal'c is right Sir", Sam's voice said softly. "But you can change that. You can prove him wrong. You can get well and you can _speak_ – and you can prove to him that he is powerless over you. Don't let your – your fear keep you from thumbing your nose in his face. Prove it to him Sir. _Show _him that he is nothing and he cannot defeat the leader of the Tauri. He cannot defeat you."

Ah hell. He continued to lie with his eyes shut, agonizing over the words of his friends. But they didn't know. They couldn't know all he'd been through, all that had been done to him and he would never tell. But if they _did_ know, they wouldn't ask this of him. They wouldn't expect him to rise above it and go on as if nothing had happened.

But they're not asking that of you, a small inner voice said to him. They're asking you to go on in _spite_ of what happened. They know he'd been through hell, but they were asking him to rise above that and spit in the Goa'uld's eye.

Did he have it in him? Could he do it? _Could_ he overcome all the pain and anguish and torture and simply speak?

If he did, then he was damn well gonna find some way to go after Raijin and not only spit in his eye – he was going to tell him exactly what he thought of him and _then_ chop him into little, itsy bitsy pieces.

He didn't see the despair in his friends' eyes as they continued to watch him in silence. He had not opened his eyes or made any sign for many minutes and they were at the point where they were pretty sure things were hopeless. Teal'c even looked as if he had tears in his eyes. Sam knew that he would never forgive himself if this didn't work.

Suddenly the Colonel's eyes popped open. He stared straight up, at the ceiling, for another few minutes. He then blinked and looked over at Teal'c. He gave the big man a small grin. Next Daniel was given and nod and finally – he turned towards Sam.

He cleared his throat and could feel the sweat appear on his forehead. He cleared his throat again and took a deep breath. He could do this. He _could_ do this. He wasn't going to let any old snakehead defeat him. Not good old Sadistic Bastard. He was going to speak and tell the world about the Goa'uld who had tried, but failed to defeat him.

He could do this. Jacob and the Doc had fixed whatever was wrong with his vocal cords and he could speak. He blinked at Sam, who was looking at him hopefully – but with real fear in her eyes. God, these people had stuck with him every step of the way. Just for their sakes alone he had to try. He could do it.

He opened his mouth, licked his lips and took another deep breath.

"Sam?" he whispered.


	12. Depression

Of course everyone expected that after that first word he'd just start speaking. It filled him with frustration every time someone looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to speak.

The problem was, he _could_ speak – at least physically he could, but it still terrified him. He had begun to work with a speech therapist but the sessions were only having moderate success. There were some days when he could manage a few words, others when his throat tightened and he'd break into a sweat and sit there mute.

Everyone was worried and that frustrated him even more. Didn't they get it? He was damaged, most likely beyond repair. Raijin had turned him into an animal and in the process had stripped away much of what made him the person he had been. He was pretty sure that the Jack O'Neill they all knew was gone forever.

He wanted to scream at people some days – but he couldn't. Instead he dealt with how he was feeling by being uncooperative, by refusing to do simple tasks and often by refusing to acknowledge people. Instead of telling him off for his rudeness everyone was tip-toing around him, which made him even angrier. It just proved to him that he wasn't normal – that he was different and always would be.

The one light in his bleak existence had been Sam; that was until he overheard her talking to Janet.

He'd begun to get around, all his surgeries finally over. Jacob had stayed until they were all done and had used the healing device. It had helped but some of the damage was too great to cure completely. So now he walked, but with a walker and he couldn't stay on his feet for long. His ankles and knees were shot, although they told him that with therapy they'd improve. Still, they would always be weak and he would no longer lead the active life he had once led.

And then, of course, there were his hands. The left one was almost back to normal and he continued to exercise it every day. The right – well, it was better than anyone thought it would be, but that didn't say much. He couldn't close it completely, had no strength in it or any flexibility or coordination. He couldn't write with it without using some kind of special pen or pencil, which he refused to do.

So, the end result was that he felt like a virtual cripple. He could barely walk, had limited use of his hands, and struggled to speak. Life was bleak indeed.

He'd woken up one day, feeling a bit better than he had the previous days. He'd given himself a severe talking to, telling himself he had to stop wallowing in self-pity and just get on with the life he'd been given. He had his friends, even if he'd tried to drive them away, and he had a good pension. He would survive.

So he'd decided he needed to get out of bed and get moving. He never went farther than around the Infirmary, because even that usually exhausted him. Maybe today he'd try and go a bit farther.

He had managed to make it all the way down the hallway when he thought he heard Carter's voice. With a small smile he turned in that direction, realizing she must be in talking with the Doc. He'd go down there and surprise them both. Hell, maybe he'd even say hi.

He got near to the door when he heard something that made him stop. Knowing he shouldn't, but unable to stop himself, he stood quietly and listened.

"But he needs me Janet", Sam said, her voice breaking.

"Sam, you can't give up your life for the Colonel. I'm not saying you should stop being his friend, but he's got to get on with his life and he can't expect you to always be there for him."

"Why not? He'd be there for anyone of us."

"Not for the rest of his life. Come on Sam – you're still young, you have a brilliant career in front of you. One day you'll want to get married, probably have kids. The Colonel – well, his life has changed. He's going to have to retire, to take a medical discharge and live on his pension for the rest of his life. He can't expect you to retire with him – you're too young."

"He's not asking me to do anything", Sam responded angrily. "I _want_ to be with him. I – care for him."

"Oh Sam", Janet said, sounding sad. "I know you do but do you really think the Colonel would want you to give up your life for him now? Even if he were still healthy he's older than you and at a different phase in his life. And you'd begin to resent him if you gave up your career for him. He is going to have to learn to get by on his own. He'll still have us as his friends, but you can't give your life up for him. He wouldn't want that Sam and you know it."

Jack turned slowly, knowing he didn't want to hear any more. The lightness that he'd felt this morning disappeared, leaving only despair and hopelessness in its wake.

All that Janet had said, as painful as it was, was nothing but the truth. A part of him had known that already, but hadn't wanted to acknowledge it. She had been the only spot of joy in his life but now, for her sake, he had to let go.

As he hobbled down the hall he looked around at the gray walls, the bleakness of the SGC and knew it was time to get out and time to start his new life.

He wanted to put his head down and weep, but wouldn't allow himself that comfort. And he didn't want anyone else to know. His pride had started to return and he knew it was time he made a change. Sam and his other friends, needed to get on with their lives. He could no longer expect them to babysit him. It was time for him to leave.

* * *

><p>"Hi!" Daniel bounced in, attempting to look cheerful, although Jack could see the tension around the younger man's eyes. He'd born the brunt of Jack's anger this week and was understandably leery of facing the lion in his den.<p>

Jack responded by giving Daniel a smile. "Hi", he whispered. "How – ya – doin' Space – Monkey", he managed to get out. By the end he was sweating. Those were the most words he'd said at any one time.

Daniel looked surprised but then he smiled. "I'm doing great Ja – ur – I'm doing great."

Jack closed his eyes in frustration. He knew why people didn't call him by name – and it scared him to think of them doing it, but knew that that too had to stop. "Okay – to call me – Jack", he got out.

The look of shock, then relief and happiness on the other man's face made him feel better, although a feeling of sadness washed over him. What had he put his friends through?

"Really? You're sure – Jack?"

He almost cringed at his name but stopped himself in time. Instead he nodded and gave another smile, although he was pretty sure it was a sickly one. It was going to take time to get used to hearing his name. Inside he still thought of himself as Surebu – dirty, lowly slave.

Daniel sat and chatted away to him, telling him all about his work and some of the artifacts other teams had brought back. "And I think I may go out with Sg3 next week", he said hesitatingly. "They're going back to a planet that had some ruins and they thought they might be Ancient."

Jack smiled and nodded. It was beyond him to say anything more today, but he wanted to let his friend know it was okay to start going through the Gate again. And he'd soon be gone so they could get back to their lives.

Teal'c came by later that day, an almost smile on his face. He had been off world with one of the teams but when he returned he'd heard from Daniel that the Colonel was doing a lot better.

"Hello – Jack", he said as he entered, the name sounding foreign on his tongue. Jack rolled his eyes, knowing that this would be even harder, but knowing he'd have to do it.

"O'- Neill", he'd managed to say. It had been horribly difficult but he hoped Teal'c thought it was his difficulty in speaking, not in saying his own name.

"O'Neill!" This time Teal'c really did smile, which brought an answering one to his friend.

Teal'c also stayed and if he didn't talk quite as much as Daniel, it was close. By the time he left Jack was exhausted. He'd had to spend too much energy pretending that things were okay. And he knew that the worse was to come.

"Colonel! I heard you were doing much better today!" Sam walked in, a big smile on her face. "That's great. Daniel told me you even called him Space Monkey. I don't think I've ever seen him so happy."

Jack looked at her and desperately wanted to smile, to tell her how happy he was to see her. Instead he simply nodded in reply, his face serious.

She talked cheerfully to him, not realizing for quite a while that the Colonel wasn't responding and wasn't, in fact, looking at her. It slowly dawned on her though and her voice faded out. "Sir?" she asked quietly. "Is something wrong?"

He felt a complete an absolute heel. He'd been cheerful and happy with Daniel and Teal'c – or at least he'd pretended to be – but with Sam he was acting morose and rude. He sighed and wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and draw her to him. But he couldn't. For her sake he could never do that again.

He shook his head but then leaned back and closed his eyes, pretending to try and sleep. After few minutes he heard rustling and then her footsteps as she headed to the door. "Goodnight Sir", she said softly, sadly. With that she was gone.

He was awake all night, trying to convince himself that what he was doing was the right thing. In fact he _knew_ it was right – it was just that it wasn't what he wanted to do. The morning finally arrived and as soon as he knew it was late enough, he rang for a nurse.

He looked at her and took a deep breath. "I – need to – see – General Hammond", he whispered.

"I'll call up and tell him you want to see him right away Sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

He shook his head and then rested it back on his pillow. He was so very tired.

"Jack", the General's booming voice woke him from a semi-doze. "I hear from Teal'c and Daniel you're feeling a bit better?"

Jack pushed himself up and gave the General a smile. It took a lot to fool the General and he didn't really want to even try, but he had to set his plan in motion.

"Yes", he whispered, once again forcing himself to talk. He smiled and tried to look as relaxed as possible and from the General's expression he was buying it. "Uh – need to – ask -"

"What do you need Jack?" Hammond sat forward and placed his hand on Jack's arm. "Anything."

"Go – to – rehab – hospital", he managed to get out.

George frowned and leaned back. "You want to go to a rehab hospital?" He knew that Dr. Warner had suggested it, feeling it was the best thing for the Colonel, but Janet and Sg1 had disagreed, feeling he'd do better in familiar surroundings the presence of his friends close by.

Jack nodded, wanting to scream at his inability to communicate. He couldn't even write. "Need – sunlight", he said, knowing that that would sound plausible. "Peace and quiet – no – baby – sitters!"

George frowned at him for a moment, looking as if he were trying to figure something out. After a second his face relaxed. "You're sure about this Jack?"

He smiled, giving it all he had. He needed to do this – not for himself, but for his friends.

"Okay, when did you want to go? I know Dr. Warner found a couple of good places. They have excellent physical therapy and I'm sure it will probably do you good to be able to get outside." He looked around the room. "This place has to be driving you crazy."

Jack laughed and nodded, still working hard to convince the General this was what he wanted.

"One of the places is quite near to here so we'll be able to visit. The other place is in Denver, but I'm sure you'd rather be here, although it's not quite as nice."

"Denver", Jack whispered. "Team – needs to – get back – working", he said. "Not – visiting."

Hammond's expression slowly changed. He looked intently at the man in the bed, realization coming to his eyes. "Jack", he said softly, "what are you doing?"

Jack opened his mouth but nothing came out. He shook his head in frustration, trying again. Finally he took a deep breath and let it out slowly, practicing the techniques the voice therapist had given him. Finally he opened his mouth and this time the words came.

"Need – to – let them – get on – with life. Not – look – after – old soldier."

"They're your friends Jack", the General said softly. "And so am I. We're not going to forget about you."

"No", Jack smiled. "Know – that – but not good – Car – ter, Teal'c – Dan'l – need to – get back to – work, life."

Hammond sighed. "I know what you're doing son and I don't like it – but you're probably right. I still think you should stay close by. You'll be too isolated if you go to Denver."

Jack looked at him with his stubborn look and Hammond sighed. "Okay – if that's what you want. You do realize that they're going to give you a hard time."

"Don't – tell."

"You don't want me to tell them?" George asked, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"No – not til – after. Just – Warner", he whispered quietly

The General looked unhappy, but after regarding the Colonel for a few seconds he finally nodded. "Janet is going to kill both of us you know."

Jack gave a crooked smile and nodded but at the same time he felt relieved. Hammond would work it all out and he'd soon be out of here. He could feel his eyes slowly close, exhaustion finally taking over. In moments he was asleep as General Hammond continued to watch over him, his face sad at the fate of the Colonel.

"Oh Jack – what are you doing?"

* * *

><p>Hammond spoke to Dr. Warner soon after that. It turned out well since Janet was off for a few days, on a trip with Cassie and her class. By the time she returned, everything had been done and Jack was gone.<p>

They'd managed to find the Colonel a room at the facility in Denver and he decided to leave almost immediately. Dr. Warner arranged an ambulance to drive him there and got a nurse in to help him collect his things.

"Do you want me to ask Sg1 to come down now", Warner had asked.

Jack thought for a moment and then shook his head. "Say – bye", he whispered. "Tell – I'll – write!"

Warner laughed, although he shook his head at the same time. He knew what the Colonel was doing and didn't agree. He did think the Colonel should be in rehab, but not that he should be distancing himself from his friends. He and the General had talked about it and both knew what was going on, but in the end felt there wasn't really anything they could do. The man had a right to make his own choices.

The room he ended up in wasn't bad. Jack looked around at the tiny room and lay back on the bed. At least there was a window and the walls were painted light blue rather than industrial gray.

The staff he had met so far were friendly although the other patients he'd seen were mostly elderly and he wondered if there were any younger people. In a way it didn't matter as he planned to stay in his room or outside most of the time.

He'd managed to get out of the SGC without anyone knowing except Dr. Warner and a few of the nurses and Ferretti. It had been just his luck that they ran into the man as he was being wheeled out.

"Jack!" Ferretti stopped in front of his wheelchair and grinned. "Where the hell are you going? The pretty nurses are back in the Infirmary. Out here all you get are a bunch of ugly guys."

Jack gave him a grin and shrugged. He wasn't about to try and explain things to the other man, knowing it would take way too long to get the words out.

Suddenly Feretti frowned as he looked at the fact that the Colonel was wearing a jacket and one of the nurses was holding a duffle bag. "Hell, you really are going somewhere. What is this?" he turned to the nurse, who looked startled.

The nurse smiled at him but shrugged. She was not about to tell just anyone the Colonel's business.

"_Jack_ – what are you doing?"

Jack shrugged again and smiled. He then motioned to the nurse that he wanted to get going. He lifted his left hand and placed it on Feretti's arm, giving it a light squeeze as he rolled by.

The Major watched as Jack was wheeled away from him. He wondered what was going on and why the rest of Sg1 wasn't here. Something was fishy.

* * *

><p>"I don't know Daniel", Sam said for the tenth time. "He doesn't want to see me."<p>

"You don't _know _that Sam", Daniel tried to reason with her. "He just gets moody, we all know that."

"Not with you or Teal'c", she said, playing with her coffee cup. "Every time I've been to see him in the last few days he won't even look at me let alone try and talk. I haven't had one smile out of him. He's angry at me, I'm sure of it."

"Why would he be angry with you Major Carter", Teal'c asked. "Did anything transpire between you?"

"No, that's why I can't figure out what's going on. You guys both said he seemed happier so why is he treating me like this?"

The two men sat quietly, not sure what to say. They were all stressed and exhausted after having watched all their friend had been through in the weeks since he'd been found. And he was still a long way from recovery. The problem was, none of them really knew what to do to help him other than be there for him.

Daniel glanced up and then laid his hand over top of Sam's. "You know Jack, he gets weird ideas sometimes. I know he's not mad at you Sam. He cares for you too much."

Sam's eyes immediately filled up and she nodded. She tried to smile, but it was hard. Everything had been so crazy this last year and she felt like she'd just about reached the end of her rope but knew she had to keep going for the Colonel's sake.

"So, where's Jack off to?" Louis Ferretti walked up to their table, tray in hand.

"What do you mean?" Daniel asked with a frown.

"A little while ago I saw Jack leaving. I was just wondering where they were taking him."

"You are mistaken", Teal'c informed him. "O'Neill has not gone anywhere."

"Well if it wasn't Jack it was his clone." At the blank stares of Sg1 he grimaced, suddenly remembering that Jack _did_ have a clone. "Uh – or his twin brother. Look, he was in a wheelchair being taken to the surface. Didn't you guys know?"

Without a word the three members of Sg1 rose from their chairs and rushed out of the Commissary. Feretti watched them leave with a frown and then shrugged. They had always been a strange group.

"Janet?" Sam hurried down the hall when she saw her friend standing there, a frown on her face. "What's this we just heard?"

Janet turned to her slowly and took a deep breath. "You mean about the Colonel?"

"Yes, Major Ferretti just told us he saw Jack being taken out of here. It's not true, is it."

"I'm afraid it is", Frasier said seriously. "He asked to go to a rehab hospital and Dr. Warner and the General arranged it. I just found out myself."

"_What_?" Daniel practically shouted. "He _asked_ to go? There's no way Jack would do that. This has something to do with – something or somebody else. Maybe it was the NID?"

"No", Janet shook her head. "I just spoke with General Hammond. It seems the Colonel asked to see him and told him he wanted to go."

"But why?" Sam whispered. "Why would he want to leave here?"

"He told the General that -" Janet stopped and took another breath " – that he wanted to be able to see outside and – " she paused again and then turned and faced Jack's teammates. "I think he did it for us", she whispered.

Her comment was greeted by silence.

It was Daniel who, as usual, broke it. "For _us_? But that's crazy."

"It is not", Teal'c replied softly. "We all know what O'Neill is like. He does not want to burden us while he recovers."

"_Burden us_!" Daniel snapped angrily. "He's not a damned burden! He's our friend."

"I know that Daniel Jackson", Teal'c looked at him directly. "But that is what O'Neill is feeling."

"I think Teal'c is right Daniel", Janet agreed. "You know what he's like. And he told the General that you all needed to get back to work. He's been here for six weeks and he's going to need a lot more therapy before he's able to be on his own. I'm sure he was feeling guilty that all of you were spending so much time with him."

"But we wanted to." Daniel looked at each of his friends in turn, trying to figure out Jack's sudden departure. "We want to be here for him. He's not a burden."

"Daniel, if this is what the Colonel wants, we have to respect him enough to let him go. And it will be better for him to be in a place where he can get sunlight and see outside. And I'm sure they have excellent therapy wherever he is." Sam spoke quickly and almost angrily, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

Janet looked at her sharply, realizing how hurt her friend was. A part of her was relieved however. Sam needed to get back to work.

"Sam is right", Janet said. "This place will be good for the Colonel and we can always visit him."

"Where is it?" Daniel wanted to know.

"In Denver, but it's a good place. It has a great reputation and he'll do well there. We aren't really equipped with all the services he needs." She turned to Sam and reached out her arm to touch her. "This is a good decision Sam."

"Why didn't he tell us? Why did he sneak off like this?" Daniel began to get both angry and hurt and wasn't sure quite what to do.

"Because he knew we'd try to stop him", Sam answered. "And he didn't want to be stopped. You know the Colonel, once he makes up his mind that's it. Well, I guess we'd better get back to work. I expect the General will want us to go back on rotation now." With that Sam turned and left the Infirmary, not looking back even once.

"Major Carter is angry", Teal'c declared, watching her as she left.

"Yeah? Go figure", Daniel said sarcastically. "Well I'm pissed too. This is _so_ Jack. All he can think about is himself. Well I for one am _not_ going to rush up to see him. Maybe if he spends some time alone he'll appreciate us." Daniel then turned and followed Sam down the highway.

Teal'c was left with Dr. Frasier, who looked at him with concern. "Are you going to ignore him too?" she finally asked.

"No, I shall not. Major Carter and Daniel Jackson are both hurt by O'Neill's actions, but he did not do this to hurt them, but rather to protect them."

"I know", Janet sighed. "I just wish he could have done it differently. He should have told us."

"How?" Teal'c asked simply. "He can barely speak and he cannot write. He also is frightened by the life he fears is in front of him. He has reacted the only way he knows how and that is to protect us and let us go. I shall not allow him to do so."

"No Teal'c", Janet smiled. "I didn't suppose you would."

Daniel and Sam proceeded to act as if they didn't care that Jack had left. They tried to pretend that they were happy and doing fine, although they didn't fool anybody. The General spoke to them about starting up off-world missions, although he didn't give them a definite time frame. The fact was, he didn't think they were ready, not with the way at least two of the team were acting.

Teal'c spoke to the General about getting permission to visit with O'Neill. He would need a driver to take him and permission to be so far from base but Hammond told him he would arrange it. If there was anyone that could help O'Neill he figured it would be the caring but tough Jaffa.

* * *

><p>Jack had been gone almost a week before he received a visitor. He had been surprised, and a little hurt, not to have heard from anyone. It's what he had wanted – at least what he <em>felt<em> he should want – but not what he'd expected. What he _had_ expected was to receive a visit from three angry and irate people who would tell him he was an idiot and that they wanted him to come home.

Instead he was being ignored, which caused him to sink into a further depression. He knew it was his own damn fault but that only made him feel worse. He was alone and lonely and very, very frightened. He felt like the world was crashing down on him.

The therapists at the Marvik Center, which was where he was staying, were helpful and nice but he found himself disinterested in doing much of anything, including his therapy. He'd been there almost six days, mostly lying in bed studying the ceiling, when he had a visitor. Unfortunately it was no one he knew.

"Mr. O'Neill?" the man asked.

He went to correct the man, telling him he was _Colonel_ O'Neill when he stopped. He was no longer an Air Force officer. He nodded his head.

"My name is Dr. Ibrahim. Do you mind if I come in?"

Jack stared at him for a moment but finally nodded. He pushed himself up until he was sitting with his back against the headboard. He regarded the doctor carefully.

"I understand you still have some trouble speaking, is that correct?"

Jack nodded.

"Okay", the doctor smiled. "You can just nod or shake your head – or throw something at me if you want."

Jack's eyebrows rose, but he continued to watch the other man.

"I'm sure you're wondering who the hell I am and why am I here?" When Jack didn't respond the doctor continued. "Well, I was speaking with Andrew and Mara and they both indicated they were worried about you."

Andrew was his physical therapist and Mara was his vocal therapist. He also had another therapist – Aana – who was working with him doing water therapy. He wondered if she'd said anything to this doctor or not.

"They seem to feel you're quite – down", Dr. Ibrahim said gently. "I'm here to see if that's the case and if there's anything I can do?"

So he was a psychiatrist or a psychologist, realized Jack. Great, just what he needed. "No", he replied in a whisper.

"No, you're not depressed or no, there's nothing I can do?"

"Yes", Jack answered, a slight gleam in his eyes.

The doctor laughed. "touché!" he said. "I can see you're going to be a tough one, aren't you. Well", the doctor slowly stood, "I'm here if you need me but I won't press you. Just be aware that if you refuse to do your therapy and continue to simply stay in this room, they _will_ kick you out. They need the beds for people who care and who want to get better." He walked slowly to the door. "If you want to talk, you can let the receptionist know and she will contact me." With one final look at the gaunt and pale man on the bed Dr. Ibrahim left.

Jack immediately returned to his supine position and started staring at the ceiling. Maybe getting kicked out what a good thing. He hated it here.

* * *

><p>Teal'c had arranged a ride to Denver anxious to see how O'Neill was doing. He had asked both Daniel and Major Carter to accompany him but they had both refused.<p>

"He wanted to be alone", Daniel told him angrily. "So let him be alone."

"I am ashamed of you Daniel Jackson", Teal'c told him bluntly. "O'Neill did not do this to hurt us. He is frightened and in pain and feels guilt. For you to act this way is to dishonor both him and you."

The Jaffa turned and strode away, leaving Daniel feeling anger and resentment – and guilt of his own.

Sam wouldn't even acknowledge that anything was wrong. When Teal'c asked her about visiting O'Neill she's smiled and shrugged. "I'm afraid I'm too busy Teal'c", she'd answered. "I have to look over these things that Sg7 brought back from their last trip. Did you see this?" she held up what looked like some kind of ancient staff weapon. "This looks like it might be a precursor to the weapon the Jaffa use. You can see here", she pointed to a mark on the side and continued to speak.

Teal'c stared at her and sighed. She was hurting too and was hiding behind her work.

O'Neill, thought Teal'c, what have you done?


	13. The Visit

It was three weeks before Teal'c could arrange it to go see O'Neill and fortunately General Hammond assigned him a driver to take him to Denver. As he was leaving the SGC he heard a shout behind him and turned, to find Daniel Jackson hurrying through the corridor.

"Where are you going Teal'c?" the archaeologist asked.

"To see O'Neill", Teal'c answered shortly and turned back towards the elevator.

"Uh – Teal'c."

The big man sighed and stopped. "What is it Daniel Jackson? I must go. The driver is waiting for me."

"I just wondered – uh – would you mind if I came along?"

Teal'c slowly faced his friend. "Why?"

"Because – oh hell- because he's my friend and I feel like an idiot. I let him get to me and I shouldn't have. He needs us now more than ever."

Teal'c regarded him somberly for a few seconds. "Indeed Daniel – you should know O'Neill well enough by now to know that he strikes out most when in pain - either that or he hides himself away."

"I know", Daniel let out a slow breath. "I know that – but I was tired and frustrated and – I really have no excuse, but I do want to see him."

The Jaffa again moved towards the elevator, his back to the younger man. "Then come."

Daniel gave a small smile and hurried after Teal'c, cursing himself for the way he'd treated Jack and determined to make up for it.

They travelled a few minutes in silence when Daniel finally spoke. "You know this isn't going to be easy."

"I have heard a Tauri expression that says nothing worthwhile ever is."

"Yeah – but this is Jack and he's going to make it especially hard."

"He will", Teal'c nodded.

"He'll be a jerk."

"Indeed."

"He's going to make us want to hit him."

"Most likely."

"And he's going to tell us he doesn't need us."

"That is true."

"And we're going to ignore him and be there for him anyway."

"We will."

"Good."

They arrived just over an hour later. As the car pulled up to the rambling, one story building, they glanced around the grounds. It was a pretty area – lots of grass and trees. Outside the building there were a number of benches, gardens and small paths. They could see a number of people, some strolling unaided, some with walkers and others in wheelchairs. Most of the people were older, although there were a few younger ones.

"It's pretty here", Daniel commented.

"Yes. There are trees." Teal'c replied.

Daniel laughed, although he also wanted to cry. "Do you think Jack really hates trees?"

"No, I do not. In fact I believe he likes them. He pretends many things."

And wasn't _that_ the truth, thought Daniel as they entered the building. They walked up to the front reception desk and spoke to the young girl who was working there.

"We are here to see Colonel O'Neill", Teal'c said formally.

"Colonel O'Neill? I'll check." She typed something on the screen and then glanced up with a smile. "Uh, he's in room 271. You go down that hallway right there", she indicated the direction with her head. "He might not be there though. It says he's scheduled for therapy until 11:00."

"We shall see and if not we shall wait for him."

"Okay", she smiled and went back to her book.

"I wonder what kind of therapy", Daniel commented as they walked down the hallway. He couldn't help but glance into some of the rooms, which were open. He saw identical looking small bedrooms, although most of them were decorated with personal touches. He knew this was a long-term care facility, and residents were often here for months and sometimes even years.

He prayed that wouldn't be true for Jack.

"We are here", Teal'c informed him. He knocked on the door, but there was no answer.

"They took him for his water therapy", an elderly lady from across the hallway spoke to them. She was stooped over and was leaning on a walker. She looked extremely frail, her thin hands crooked from arthritis and her voice slightly shaky. But her eyes were bright and inquisitive.

"Uh – do you know when he'll be back?" Daniel inquired kindly.

"Any minute now, although he'll be grumpy. He's always grumpy after therapy."

"Yeah, that sounds like our Jack", he smiled.

"_Your_ Jack? He's your friend?"

"He is", Teal'c answered. "He commanded us for many years."

"_Commanded_ you? What are you – cops or military?"

"We're with the Air Force."

"Hah! I knew it. I said to Louisa that he must have been in the military. An officer was he?"

"He is a Colonel."

"Yup – there ya go! I knew it. I could tell he was used to giving orders and not listening to any back talk. Poor man – he hates it here."

"Why is that?" Teal'c asked.

"Why? Because half of them are scared of him and the other half treat him like an imbecile because he can't talk."

"He's still not talking?" Daniel muttered, wanting to curse.

The old lady squinted up at him. "He can talk but he doesn't like to. Who are you?"

"Uh – I'm his friend", Daniel replied. "My name is Daniel."

"Daniel huh? Well, you're the first friends that have come by. The poor man is all alone here. Doesn't he have any family?"

Daniel closed his eyes, feeling horrible. How could they have ignored Jack when he needed them? He cursed himself and then opened his eyes and looked at the wizened little woman in front of him. "No, not really. I guess we're his family."

She snorted. "Some good you are. Poor man. Doesn't he have a wife?"

"He does not", Teal'c told her firmly.

The old lady laughed. "I'll have to tell Louisa. She's sweet on him. Actually, she just wants to get him into bed. Or maybe I should try my luck. He's still a pretty handsome man, even if he is banged up some. And having a man who can't talk – sounds good. At least it would be as long as other parts of him are still working!" She went of into cackles of laughter at that and slowly made her way down the hallway.

"Wow", Daniel stared after her. "I hope they're not all like that here."

"Indeed Daniel Jackson."

They waited a few more minutes outside Jack's room, silent and only saying hi as various residents and nursing staff walked by. Daniel found himself feeling guiltier and more depressed as time went by. He was sure this was probably a good place but everyone he had met so far was either very old or was suffering from brain injuries or mental illness.

Just then he saw Jack moving slowly down the hallway towards them. He hadn't noticed his friends as of yet, since his head was bowed down and he was focused on walking with his walker. It was difficult for him as he really only had strength in one hand..

Daniel couldn't help the sharp pang that hit him when he saw the formerly vibrant man, now looking old and frail. He was sure Jack's hair was whiter than it had been, although it had grown out and was much longer than before he'd been captured.

It was only when Jack was almost to his door that he looked up, to see his two former teammates standing by his door.

For the first second his face registered surprise, which quickly changed to happiness – although it was fleeting, and then relaxed into a blank look. He continued to move until he was at his door and then he reached for the knob and opened it, moving inside slowly.

Daniel and Teal'c looked at each other, not quite sure what Jack's non-reaction meant. After a pause they followed him into his room – he hadn't closed the door behind him so they assumed he wasn't shutting them out.

Daniel slowly closed the door and stood there as Jack made his way to his bed and slowly turned and then sat, a deep sigh leaving his throat.

"O'Neill, it is good to see you", Teal'c walked over and pulled up a chair so that he was closer to the bed. "How are you feeling my friend?"

Jack closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead, looking unutterably weary. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes and nodded, a slight smile on his face.

"Jack." Daniel moved until he was in front of his friend and kneeled down so that he was more at a level with the older man. "I'm sorry it's taken so long for us to visit you. Please forgive us?"

Jack regarded him seriously, his eyes flickering over the face of one of the people he considered as close as family. He had been hurt – _was_ hurt, even though deep inside he knew it was his fault. He'd pushed these people away, time and time again. He didn't deserve their loyalty or their friendship, but oh, he was so glad they ignored him.

He could feel his eyes fill with tears, and felt horribly embarrassed. But he'd felt so _alone_ – so frightened and lost – and it was so good to have Daniel and Teal'c here with him. He felt the absence of the third member of their team – felt it deep in his soul, but he knew too that that was his fault.

"Jack?" Daniel's gentle voice washed over him and he could feel the sob rise in his throat. The next thing he knew Daniel was sitting beside him on the bed, his arm around him. "We're here Jack – I'm so sorry, so sorry."

He lay his head on Daniel's shoulder, knowing that he would be embarrassed by this later – and that he was acting like a child – but right now he didn't care.

"O'Neill!" Teal'c's hand reached out and clasped his shoulder. "We are here my friend. As Daniel has said, we are sorry. We should have been here sooner."

Jack nodded and lifted his head. Using his forearm he swiped at his eyes and sat up straight. Daniel removed his arm, although he stayed on the bed.

"So – we met your neighbor", Daniel told him, knowing that Jack needed a few seconds to regain his equilibrium. When Jack looked at him with a puzzled frown Daniel smiled. "The old lady across the hall. She told us her friend Louisa kind of likes you."

He'd hoped to make Jack smile, but instead the older man looked – if anything – more depressed. Daniel looked over at Teal'c, not sure what to say or do.

"General Hammond and many at the SGC send their best wishes O'Neill. The General informs me he will visit you this weekend."

Jack nodded. George had sent him a couple of letters already – one of the few people who had been in touch since he'd been here.

"And Janet is coming with Cassie on Sunday", Daniel told him. "Cassie is really excited to see you."

Daniel started to talk to him about the SGC. Jack knew that his friend was trying to be kind, but hearing about the things that were happening – with him no longer there – was more painful than helpful.

He also noticed that at no time did either Teal'c or Daniel speak about Sam. She had very obviously not sent greetings and it didn't look like she planned to visit. He knew it was for the best, but he couldn't help but be hurt. He didn't expert her to waste her life on him, but he always thought she'd continue to be his friend.

"Jack?"

He swallowed and glanced up, realizing that he'd zoned out. "Sorry", he whispered. It was the first word he'd spoken and his friends both tried to smile, although he could see that this visit was as hard for them as for him.

He didn't know what to do. He wanted to be able to start talking to them – to return to what he'd once been. He wanted to tease them and joke with them and ask them how Sam was doing but he couldn't. He was too broken.

He gave them both credit though. They stayed for a long time – trying everything they could to cheer him up, to get him to speak, to have him smile. And he tried, really he did. He wasn't being ornery or angry – he just didn't know what to say, even if he _could_ say anything.

The two men finally stood, knowing the situation was becoming too painful for all of them. They told him they'd be back – and they'd tell everyone he was getting better. They offered to bring some snacks and something to brighten his room the next time they came and he nodded and smiled.

Finally they said goodbye and left. He continued to sit on his bed, not moving and not sure what to do. As difficult as their visit had been, now that they were gone every thing was even darker and bleaker than it had been before their visit.

Daniel and Teal'c arrived at their car, both silent and depressed. Neither man knew what to say and so they said nothing.

The visit had been a failure.

It was as they were getting in – Teal'c had the door open – that he stopped suddenly.

"We cannot leave it like this Daniel Jackson", he said fiercely. "We cannot leave O'Neill like this."

"I know, but what are we going to do?" Daniel asked in despair. "What _can_ we do?"

"Come!" Teal'c looked at the driver. "I am sorry – we will return shortly." He then turned and began to hurry back to the building. He was walking so quickly Daniel had trouble keeping up.

"Teal'c – wait! What are you going to do?"

The Jaffa didn't answer, he just walked purposely through the hallway until he came to O'Neill's room. Without knocking he pushed the door open and entered – to find the Colonel still seated in exactly the same position as when they'd left.

Jack lifted his head, surprised to see his friends back. He frowned when he saw the fierce expression on Teal'c's face. What had happened?

"You will cease this O'Neill!" Teal'c said loudly. "Enough!"

Jack frowned. Enough of what? What the hell was Teal'c talking about?

"We will not watch you give up" Teal'c went on. "You have allowed the Goa'uld to defeat you by not fighting now to regain what you have lost. You believe that you are nothing – but you are not. You are Jack O'Neill – Colonel and leader – and friend. Do not forget those things. Do not let your physical limitations limit your spirit or your soul!"

"He's right Jack", Daniel added, more gently, but just as determined. "You still have so much to give – and we miss you. _Don't_ give up. Don't let this defeat you. You are not Surebu." Jack glanced up quickly at this – his reaction almost physical to the hated work.

"Yes, I know what it means", his friend continued. "I asked Jacob – and it means someone who is lower than a slave – someone not human, not deserving of anything but pain and degradation. But what it is _not_ Jack – is you. You were _never_ Surebu. You were hurt, you were tortured, and you had to protect yourself by hiding deep within your mind. But you never lost _you_. We know it – we can see it, even if you can't. _You're_ still there. And do you know how I know? Because you ran away to help your team. You came to this place so you wouldn't be a burden on us. You put us first again Jack – and that shows you're still in there. So don't let this defeat you. You can't!"

Jack was breathing quickly, not wanting to hear what his friends were saying. He _was_ Surebu, he was. He was nothing – not worthy of friends or of a life. He wasn't Jack O'Neill, not anymore.

But his friends were looking at him with love and determination and they didn't see him as nothing. Could he believe them? Was he more than Surebu, more than a dirty, useless slave?

"You are a good man Jack O'Neill. You _have_ to believe it because you know we would never lie to you."

The two men were quiet after that, simply watching their friend and comrade. It was when they saw the single tear roll down Jack's cheek that Daniel reached out and covered Jack's hand – the weak one – with his own. "Who are you?" he asked softly.

Jack lifted his eyes and peered into the blue ones of his friend.

"Jack – _who are you_?"

He closed his eyes, forcing more tears to form a trail down his face. He was Surebu.

"O'Neill. You must believe. _Who are you_?"

He opened his mouth, but the words wouldn't come. He was _nothing_, he was no one he was Sur –

"Jack. Who. Are. You?"

He sobbed and began to rock back and forth. How could he be nothing? Would these men regard him as their friend if he were nothing?

He took a deep breath and then looked first at Teal'c and then at Daniel. "J –", he swallowed. "I am – Jack O'Neill", he whispered. The fear filled him and almost defeated him. The voice he'd heard for months told him he was lying – that he was Surebu. He closed his eyes and told the voice to leave him. "I am Jack O'Neill", he said, more loudly than before. "I am _not_ Surebu. I am Jack O'Neill!"

He caught the slow smile that began to spread on Daniel's face and then looked over at Teal'c – who was sporting a big shit-eating grin of his own.

He could feel his own lips begin to turn up. For some reason the whole thing suddenly seemed incredibly funny. "Jack O'Neill", he repeated and suddenly began to laugh.

Daniel started to chuckle and the next thing he knew he was laughing along with Jack. It was when they heard the deep laugh of the Jaffa beside them that both Jack and Daniel lost it completely. Soon all three men were practically rolling on the floor (in Jack's case on the bed), laughing so hard they were crying.

Jack had no idea why the whole thing had struck him as funny. In fact it really wasn't – but he didn't care. He felt good – strong, like everything was going to be okay. If that wasn't good for a little bit of hilarity than he didn't know what was.

No, he wasn't Surebu. He was Jack O'Neill. "Fuck you – Raijin!" he gasped out, sending the other two into increased paroxysms of laughter.

By the time the three of them had calmed down the sun was beginning to set and the room was getting dark. Daniel reached over and flipped on the light. Jack was leaning back on his bed, a peaceful look on his face – the first real one he'd seen in months.

"You okay?" he asked the Colonel.

Jack gave him a smile – a real smile. "Hungry", he said.

"Yeah, me too", Daniel sighed. "Teal'c?"

"I am hungry as well Daniel Jackson, O'Neill."

Suddenly Jack got a mischievous look on his face. "Pizza?" he suggested softly.

"That's a great idea", Daniel said. "Let's order."

"Do not forget Lieutenant Fields", Teal'c reminded him about their poor driver, who had had to wait for them.

"I won't." Daniel stood and walked to the door. "I'll go find out where we can order and I'll tell the Lieutenant to come inside and see what he wants. I'll be back in a minute."

"Daniel", Jack called softly.

"Yeah Jack? What?"

"Thanks."

Daniel grinned. "You're welcome Jack – although don't think that's gonna get you anchovies."

Jack threw his pillow at his friend and continued to grin after the younger man had left the room. He then turned to Teal'c, who was sitting quietly on the chair by the bed.

"Thank you – Teal'c", he whispered.

Instead of replying Teal'c stood and took the two steps to the bed and held out his arm. Jack glanced at it and then up at his friend's face. After regarding it for a minute he put out his own arm to have it grasped by the Jaffa. "I am honored to know you Jack O'Neill. You are an honorable and a brave man."

Jack could feel his eyes fill again and he sniffed. "Ah shit Teal'c", he muttered. "You made me cry again."

Teal'c sat back down and smiled.

It had been a good visit.


	14. One Foot Forward

_**Thanks to all my lovely reviewers. As always your comments warm my heart (and my toes). I'm sitting here looking out my window at the TONS of snow in Boston. I HATE WINTER.**_

She only found out after they had left that Teal'c and Daniel had gone to visit the Colonel. She was working in the lab and a couple of the technicians had come in chatting about seeing her two teammates heading to the surface to see "poor Colonel O'Neill".

She had had to excuse herself, telling everyone that she had a meeting she had to go to, when in reality she simply needed to be alone. She was afraid she was going to disgrace herself and burst into tears.

She had refused to think about the Colonel and certainly to talk about him over the last three weeks. Well, the not thinking about him hadn't gone very well as he was just about all she _did_ think about. The not talking had gone much better, although she was aware that it had angered both Daniel and especially Teal'c. Janet hadn't said anything, although she'd given her a couple of knowing looks.

Her teammates and even Janet must think that she no longer cared about the Colonel. But the fact was, she cared way too much. Oh, she'd been hurt by his behavior, but when she'd thought about it rationally she recognized it for what it was – O'Neill's attempt to protect them by distancing himself.

She would normally have ignored him or told him not to be silly but this time she'd backed away from him – and she knew why. Janet's words had continued to circle through her mind.

She had known for a long time that she cared for the Colonel more than she was allowed to – way more. They had each recognized it and had agreed to 'keep it in the room'. Both of them were focused on the work they were doing – knowing how important it was. But Sam was also forced to acknowledge it hadn't just been about duty.

As much as she hated herself for it, a lot of her willingness to give up any chance for a personal life with the Colonel was because she wasn't willing to give up a job she loved. She'd worked hard for it, had put up with all sorts of chauvinistic crap for it and had finally attained the job of her dreams. Here she was, a still relatively young woman, and she'd travelled all over the galaxy, seeing wonders no one could even imagine. And she'd saved the planet – again, how many people could say that.

And her love for Jack O'Neill? Well, it was something she kept to herself, just like she kept the box of mementos of her mother. It was something to cherish, to occasionally pull out and sigh over and even cry over, but then she could put it back and get on with her life.

And she hated herself for that. She hated herself for putting her ambition and her work in front of the possibility of love with a good and honorable man.

She had always had the suspicion, although she may have been wrong, that Jack would have given up his career in a second if he thought she truly wanted a life with him. Maybe it was arrogant of her – maybe his job was just as important to him – but somehow she didn't think so. He was a man who had been cruelly hurt by life and would have been overjoyed to have the opportunity to once again love, and be loved.

But no – she was too selfish to allow that to happen.

When the Colonel had been lost she had sworn that when they found him, _if _they found him, she'd tell him how she still felt and she'd willingly give up her career for the chance of a life with him. She'd known in her heart that it was the right decision, the only decision.

And then they _had_ found Jack, and he'd been horribly hurt. He was no longer the man she had known, but he was still the man she loved. The hours she had spent by his bed had confirmed in her mind that they had to be together. Even if he was never able to speak again, it didn't matter. He was her true love and she was going to be with him.

And then Janet had spoken to her and that had been followed almost immediately by Jack turning away from her. She wondered briefly if she would have still begun to doubt her choice if he hadn't done that. If he had still craved her presence and her touch – would her doubts have grown? She didn't know.

But it was Jack's actions, coming immediately after Janet's words – she suddenly stopped and frowned. She hadn't thought of it before, but it was _right_ after Janet had spoken to her – in fact the very next time she'd gone to his room, that he'd shown her the cold shoulder. Just moments before he'd looked at her with such love, with such need that it had almost broken her heart. When she'd returned he wouldn't look her in the eye and his face was stern and cold.

She sat frowning about it for a long time – sure that there was something that she should know, that she had to figure out. Why had Jack suddenly and without warning turned away from her? Had Janet said something to him directly?

She couldn't believe that. As much as Janet was concerned for her, she would never hurt the Colonel like that, not when he was still so frail. She closed her eyes and thought back to that day. Was there something – anything that would explain it?

His walker. It had been beside his bed when she'd left, but when she returned it was on the other side. She remembered that because it kept getting in the way when she returned and she'd moved it back to his left side.

She knew he'd been trying to walk around more, to strengthen his leg muscles. _Could_ he have overheard the conversation?

Crap – of course he could have. That must explain it. "You idiot Jack," she hissed. He was doing it again; trying to protect her.

She wanted to scream, but then realized it wouldn't do any good. She'd burned her bridges with him, well and truly burned. There was no way he was going to forgive her, not after she'd ignored him for weeks.

And then – there were Janet's words. She hated herself for listening, for coming back to them, but the fact was she _did_ have a great future. She could go far in the Air Force, probably one day making general. Her father would be so proud of her – his little girl, a general. It's what she wanted, right? It's what she'd worked so hard for, for so many years. She couldn't give that up and go live in a cabin in Minnesota with a man who was severely and most likely permanently injured.

So now she was back to hating herself for her selfishness. What good was a career if you were miserable? Could she really continue to turn away from him and get any fulfillment as an officer?

Of course she could, her evil little voice told her. It's the career – the dream – you always wanted. You will resent giving it up for Jack.

Damn! She didn't know what to do. How could she give everything up to live with Jack and do – who knew what? But then, how could she give Jack up and continue to go through the gate? Would she even want to go through the gate if Jack wasn't with her?

She didn't know and it was driving her absolutely crazy. She wanted both. She wanted Jack _and_ her career and she was pissed royally that she couldn't have both. Life was just not fair.

She waited for Teal'c and Daniel to get back, anxious to hear how the Colonel was doing. She was surprised that they were so late and suddenly panicked, thinking that they had gone over to Daniel's place rather than coming to the SGC. She wondered if she should call him, but then decided not to. He was angry with her, although she felt that was quite unfair, as he'd also treated the Colonel badly.

She just wished she knew what the hell to do. Her feelings were so conflicted. She missed him so much – she missed the Jack he had been, the funny, sarcastic, honorable man she'd gotten to know, but she also missed the fragile, wounded man who needed her and who drew comfort from her presence. But she also still loved her job. She loved the excitement, the wonder, the rush she got from traveling to other worlds. She didn't want to give that up.

But did she need to totally separate herself from the Colonel? Did she need to ignore him and write him out of her life? Did she need to be so cruel to him?

Yes – yes she did! She did if she was ever going to get over him. If she continued to see him, to spend time with him she would never be able to do that. She loved him too much.

So it was best to fade out of his life. He'd soon forget her. He'd build a new life, somewhere else and hopefully he'd remember her fondly. He'd think of the young Captain she had been and he'd take pride in her moving up in the ranks.

Yes, that's what she'd do. She'd forget Jack O'Neill and she'd move on with her life.

And be the bitch from hell! She sobbed and put her head down on her desk. How could she do that to him? How could she just ignore him and hurt him like that? What kind of person was she? What had she become?

She'd become her father. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She had become the thing both she and her brother had railed against for so many years – a person who put their job before anything or anyone else – who was willing to sacrifice love for duty and ambition.

God – how often had she cried bitter tears at the choices her father made – to always put his job before his wife and children? How much had she resented him for it – and how often had she sworn she'd be different? And she'd turned into him. She hated herself at that moment.

She glanced at the clock in surprise. It was almost 11:00 o'clock and Daniel and Teal'c still hadn't returned. She'd asked the front gate to give her a call when they arrived but had as yet heard nothing.

She stood up slowly – they must be staying at Daniel's tonight. Damn and she'd wanted to hear how Jack was doing. She grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair and put it on. It was time to go home.

Just as she went to turn off the light her phone rang. She debated about picking it up but finally, with a sigh, she did. "Major Carter."

In the end it was only Teal'c who came down the elevator. Daniel had dropped him off and decided to head back home. She waited for her Jaffa friend in the hallway outside his room, anxious to speak with him.

"Teal'c!" she called as he grew near.

"Major Carter", he bowed his head, but reached around her and put his key in the lock. "What may I do for you?"

"I – I heard you went to visit the Colonel?"

"We did." He nodded, although his voice and face were far from warm. Sam wasn't used to being treated this way by Teal'c and she was finding it highly unsettling.

"Uh – how is he?" she asked in a rush.

The big man regarded her somberly for what seemed like a long time, but eventually he spoke. "He is well." With that he turned and pushed open his door.

"Teal'c!" she cried, reaching out her hand and placing it on his arm. "Please, can't you tell me a bit more."

This time when Teal'c turned Sam actually stepped back a pace. She had almost been sure Teal'c's eyes glowed, although she knew it was a trick of the light and not an actual Goa'uld. At least she prayed not.

"What is it you wish from me Major Carter", he ground out. "I asked you to accompany me and you refused. I asked if you wished to send a message and you refused. O'Neill has been your friend and your teammate for many years and you treat him like an enemy. Now you hope to receive word on him." He shook his head. "I do not owe you any information. You do not care what happens to O'Neill, so I suggest you forget about him." With that he turned sharply and closed the door behind him, leaving Sam gasping with pain and frustration.

What right did Teal'c have to treat her this way, she fumed? He was not the Colonel's keeper! No, but he was his friend, her little voice told her. And he has been there for him, while you have not.

She returned home and spent the entire night crying about the choices she had made and for the indecision that still warred within her.

* * *

><p>Jack had the best sleep he'd had in months – since before he'd been captured in fact. He awoke actually feeling rested and somewhat positive. He sighed, knowing that things weren't going to suddenly be perfect, but at the same time he felt like he'd turned a corner and that now it was up to him to continue to wallow in self-pity or get off his ass and do something.<p>

He pushed himself up so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed and grimaced. Up and off his ass was the order of the day.

He hobbled his way to breakfast, hating the institutional food but knowing that the sooner he got himself better the sooner he could get out of here. He sat down at a table with three other people, who all looked at him in surprise. Until today he'd strictly avoided the other residents.

So, now was the time to see if his new found resolve would work. He opened his mouth – but nothing came out. The others continued to stare at him so he grimaced and tried again. "Mornin'", he said softly.

"What did he say?" one old lady at the table asked.

"He said good morning", a young man who was seated in a wheelchair replied. "She can't hear very well", he said to Jack.

"Sorry – can't talk loud", Jack managed to get out, pointing to his throat.

The young man laughed. "Interesting table. One deaf lady and one guy who has trouble talking. I guess I'll be the interpreter."

"What? What are you saying?" the old lady asked. The young man bent over and slowly explained what was going on.

"I'm Sarah." The forth occupant of the table, a middle aged woman who was heavily scarred along her face and neck, looked at him shyly.

"Hi", he smiled at her, wondering what had happened to bring her here, and to have caused the heavy scarring. Jack could also tell that her left arm and hand had been affected – the hand bent at an unnatural angle and held close to her body. It was pretty obvious she didn't have much, or any use of it. He couldn't help but glance down at his own – almost useless – hand.

"Are you left-handed", she asked.

"Uh no", he whispered. He had to clear his throat, trying to keep it from tightening up. He found as soon as he said more than a few words he would begin to have trouble talking. The therapist had told him it was psychological, not physical. At first he had denied it but figured he'd better start to admit to some realities. He needed therapy – and not just of the physical kind.

"That's hard. At least I'm right handed and it was my left hand that got hurt."

He nodded and smiled, trying to appear friendly and interested, when all he wanted to do was run back to his room. Run! He almost laughed. Hobble was the word.

"You haven't been here long", Sarah stated. "I've only seen you a couple of times and then you're always by yourself."

Jack nodded and then took a deep breath. His vocal therapist had told him to try to relax as much as possible. "Hard to – talk", he said.

"I understand", she said sympathetically. "Well, that's one thing I _don't_ have trouble with. My husband always said I could talk a bird into flying north for the winter."

He smiled again, appreciating what Sarah was trying to do. "What – happened?" he asked her, wondering if he should ask or not.

"This?" she grimaced as she pointed to her face. "Fire. I've been here for over a year. I had to relearn to walk and to talk and spent lots of time undergoing skin grafts." She smiled then, although he could tell it was difficult for her. "Not the most fun I've ever had, but at least I'm alive."

"Family?" he asked.

Her smile grew at that and even with the scarring which pulled her lips into a lopsided grin, he was drawn to her spirit. "A husband and 4 children", she announced proudly. "I miss being home with them, but the doctors say soon. My first grandchild is due in a couple of months and I'm determined to be home for that."

"Congratulations", he whispered, and this time his smile was real.

"I'll have to introduce you to my Donald. I think you'd like him", she said proudly.

Just then the young man, who had been talking to the elderly woman, glanced over at their new table companion. "I'm Kurt, by the way", he said.

"Jack."

"Hi Jack. What happened to you?"

This was the reason he had avoided people – or to be exact, _one_ of the reasons. He really didn't want to speak about it. "War", he answered shortly.

"What? What did he say?" The elderly lady was looking quite perturbed.

"He said his injuries are due to war", Kurt said to her loudly.

"War? What war? My husband was in Germany. Almost got his leg blown off. That what happened to you? Did you get caught by a bomb?"

All three of his table companions looked at him – two with compassion, one with simple and blatant curiosity. He sighed.

"No – no bomb."

"Just leave him be Millie", Sarah said loudly. "He doesn't need to tell us the details." She turned back to Jack. "You're a soldier?"

"Air Force."

"Mmm – well, like I said, you don't have to tell us anything. It's your business – but we're all good listeners." She then grinned. "Except for Millie. She's a busy body, so if you don't want everyone to know your business, don't let her hear you."

He laughed softly at that, suddenly enjoying his breakfast. He glanced over at Kurt, who was shoveling cereal into his mouth, wondering what had happened to him.

"Skiing", Kurt answered, his mouth full of cheerios. "Broke my back."

"Sorry", Jack whispered.

Kurt shrugged. "Yeah, it's the shits but what can you do about it."

"How long?" Jack asked softly.

"Eight months. Hey, the good news is that all I can't do is walk. Everything else is working _just_ fine", he grinned.

Jack grinned back at the young man. He was sure that Kurt had gone through some bad times and would probably go through more, but he was handling his sudden disability well. He suddenly was even more determined to get himself together and stop feeling sorry for himself.

He finally finished his breakfast and made his way slowly to his feet. He reached around and grabbed his walker, pulling it forward. He really had to get rid of the damn thing. He glanced at his watch and realized he only had a few minutes to make it to physical therapy. "Sorry – gotto go", he told the table.

"What? Why can't you speak up young man", Mille said irritably. "Don't you know it's rude to whisper?"

"He can't talk louder Millie", Sarah told her. "He hurt his throat."

"His throat? How did he hurt his throat? He got blown up in the war."

Jack actually laughed at that and continued to chuckle as he made his way down the long hallway. He was sure it would be all over the place by the end of the day that he'd gotten blown up – probably in Germany by the Nazi's if he read Millie correctly. Oh well, in many ways that was better than actually having to admit the truth.

He arrived two minutes late to his physical therapy appointment and could tell that Andrew probably figured he'd skipped out on it. He hadn't exactly been the most cooperative patient. In fact, he'd been an ass and he knew it. He slowly walked up to the extremely patient, but obviously frustrated man.

"Sorry – got – talking at breakfast", he volunteered. "And I'm – slow." He tried a small smile and could see Andrew's surprise. It was the first time he'd done more than grunt at the man.

"Okay, well then, let's get working, shall we? How are you feeling today?"

"Kay", he said. "Frustrated."

"Really?" Andrew turned and looked at him in surprise. O'Neill never volunteered anything about what he was feeling. The staff had had a number of meetings trying to figure out how to deal with the stubborn Air Force officer.

"Yeah – hate this", he gestured at his walker. "Hate this", he held up his hand, "and hate – whispering."

"I see – well, can't say as I blame you. Uh, would you like to get rid of the walker? We can start with that and then work on strengthening your hand. I'm afraid I can't do much about your voice, but I know Mara can."

Jack looked at the young therapist and finally nodded. "Let's – do this" he said. Hell, he'd travelled the galaxy, flown alien spaceships, kicked alien butts, died and come back and had his head sucked by an Ancient sucky thing. He could damn well get rid of a walker.

He worked like he had never worked before. In fact Andrew had to tell him to slow down, that he could end up doing more harm than good if he wasn't careful. He'd nodded and forced himself to slow down but to keep working. By the end of his session he was exhausted, but for the first time it was a good feeling. He could tell he was improving, even if it was only slightly.

"Great work today Colonel", Andrew grinned. "At this rate you'll get rid of the walker in a few weeks."

"Two", Jack told him. "Two weeks."

Andrew's eyebrows went up but than he gave a quick nod. "If you say so – just don't get upset if it doesn't happen that fast. It _will_ happen, but your body will know when it's ready. But if you keep working like you did today –hell, I'll expect to see you running before long."

Jack gave him a grin and a salute and then turned and grabbed his walker to head back to his room and collapse. He was going to hurt like hell tomorrow. He grinned.

After lunch – a lunch spent with Sarah and Kurt – they told him that Millie had family visiting her – he returned to his room in time for his voice therapy.

He surprised Mara just as he had Andrew, with an entirely different attitude and a determination to conquer this thing. Unlike his legs and hands, he knew the voice was probably mostly because of his fears, although they had warned him he probably wouldn't be able to speak as loudly as in the past. That alone meant he could never return to active duty. You couldn't command a bunch of wild soldiers without a few good shouts in you.

"Wow Sir – you've improved a hundred percent today. What happened to turn you into such a chatty Cathy?" Mara asked.

He had to laugh at that. He'd still said very little – only a few sentences, but he guessed that compared to previous visits he had spoken a lot. "Got – lots to say", he told her.

"I bet you do. I bet you even know some good jokes, don't you?" she grinned at him.

He laughed, wishing he could slay her with the old O'Neill charm, but instead just nodded. "Oh yeah. Have ta wait", he told her.

"Okay Colonel. Soon, when you're talking up a storm you can tell me some good ones."

"I will Mara", he smiled and gave her a small wave and then headed back to his room.

Over the next few days he worked hard at his therapy, surprising all of his care-givers. However he knew that there was still something he needed to do and it was going to be the most difficult of all.

He finally took his courage in his hands and made his way to the front desk. "Can I leave a message for – Dr. Ibrahim?" he asked the receptionist.

She looked at him in surprise – it was the first time he'd ever spoken to her. But then she grinned. "Sure. Do you want me to write it out for you?" She had glanced at his hand, realizing that writing was difficult for him.

That evening there was a knock on his door and the doctor was standing there. "I understand you wanted to see me Colonel?" he said.

"No", Jack answered, but when he saw the doctor's surprised look he laughed. "Don't _want_ to – but think I need to."

The doctor's face cleared and his mouth turned up in one corner. "That's honest", he said. "May I come in?"

Jack waved him to the chair and then sat forward as the doctor lowered himself into the chair.

"So, can I ask why you think you need me?"

For a few seconds Jack almost wished he was back on that planet, in his safe little cage. He closed his eyes, knowing that was ridiculous. This couldn't be that hard – could it?

He took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. His eyes opened and he looked directly at the doctor. "PTSD", he said. "Need to deal with it."

Dr. Ibrahim looked back at him equally as directly. Seeming satisfied with what he saw he nodded. "Okay Colonel O'Neill, let's deal with it."


	15. Letting Go

_**I guess the snow has inspired me – or at least made me want to write some real angst. This is a bit different than I normally write and I'm not quite sure where it's heading. The story is kind of pulling me along and we'll see where it wants to take me. Thank you all for your lovely comments. I'm so glad people are enjoying this.**_

_**And I will post soon to my other story.**_

There was a knock and she looked up with a frown. She hadn't wanted anyone to disturb her and had intentionally closed her office door. "What?"

The door opened slowly and Janet's head appeared. "Sam?"

"Janet", she let out a breath, "what is it?"

"Sorry to bug you, it's just that I've barely seen you in days. I just wanted to come by -"

"To check up on me?" Sam asked with a grimace.

"No, to see how you were doing", Janet answered, sounding a bit hurt. "I'm not here as your doctor Sam, I'm here as a friend."

"I'm sorry. Come in", she motioned for her friend to come in and sit down. "I'm just in a bad mood. I didn't mean to take it out on you."

"Don't worry, I understand. I think we've all been feeling a bit off lately." Silence descended on the small room as neither woman wanted to deal with why that was.

"So, what have you been up to?" Janet asked. "You haven't been off world?"

"Uh no. Teal'c asked if he could go to Chulak for a few days and Daniel's been helping with some translations. I've just been working on some projects I've been putting off."

"Oh", Janet nodded her head and looked around the office. Sam's desk was totally clear and there were no experiments or any objects lying around.

"Uh –I just dropped some things off to Dr. Lee", Sam explained, although she knew it probably sounded lame. The fact was she was finding it hard to do anything at all other than sit and brood.

"Okay. So – I heard that Teal'c and Daniel went and visited the Colonel."

"Yeah", Sam opened the drawer in front of her and pulled out a file.

"Daniel said it was tough – that the Colonel was looking pretty depressed."

"Really?" Sam winced at her tone, knowing she sounded like it was a casual acquaintance they were discussing.

"Yeah – didn't he tell you?"

"No, not really. I haven't actually seen much of Daniel or Teal'c in the last few days."

"Oh. Well they dropped by the Infirmary to give me an update. I think they spoke to the General as well."

"Did they? That's nice."

"Sam – what's going on?"

Sam looked up at that, trying for an innocent look. "What do you mean? Nothing's going on."

Janet made a rude sound. "Right. Come on Sam, I've known you too long. You are barely speaking to Daniel or Teal'c and you haven't bothered to even ask about the Colonel."

"I have too", Sam answered angrily.

"When?"

"The other night", she said softly. She looked down again, only then noticing that she was shedding the file folder under her hand.

"The other night?"

"Yeah – after Teal'c and Daniel went to see the Colonel. I uh – waited for Teal'c because I wanted to know how he was doing."

"And?" Janet prodded when Sam stopped talking.

"And he told me that I had treated the Colonel too badly and he wasn't going to tell me."

"_Teal'c?_ You're kidding, he really said that?"

Sam nodded, unable to answer as she swallowed convulsively.

"Oh Sam! Come on kiddo, what's really going on? Why have you been avoiding the Colonel? It's not like you and it's certainly not like Teal'c to say something like that."

"He was right Janet. I deserved it." She lifted her head her eyes awash in tears. "I've treated the Colonel horribly."

"But _why_ Sam? What is this about?"

"What do you mean Janet?" Sam suddenly grew angry. "You were the one who told me I needed to forget him, that I needed to concentrate on my career. You were the one who convinced me that it was wrong of me to want to look after him, to care for him. Why are you surprised when I listened to you?"

"Sam!" Janet regarded her in horror. "What are you talking about? I didn't mean for you to – to reject the Colonel like this, to ignore him and give up your friendship. I was just worried that you were going to throw everything away and decide you were going to be with him. I didn't mean for _this_ to happen. For God's sake Sam – there is a happy medium. It's not all or nothing."

"Is there? Is there really? How do you expect me to just be his friend, or his teammate or his subordinate when I _love_ him? How do I just keep going, keep being there for him but keep my emotions separate? It's killing me Janet. I didn't want to ignore him – I feel horrible for doing it. But it was going to destroy me if I kept going."

Janet watched her for a few more seconds and then closed her eyes in despair. It was her words, her counsel that had brought Sam to this. What had she been thinking? Why had she interfered? "Oh Sam, I'm so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. You should have just told me to go jump in a lake. You know I can't keep my nose out of other's business. I guess it comes with the territory but I really didn't mean to make you feel so bad."

"It's okay Janet", Sam sat back, feeling suddenly tired. "You only said what I've known inside for a long time. It just made me face up to reality." She laughed softly. "And you know what? I found out that I don't like myself very much."

"What are you saying? You're a good person Sam. So maybe you've gone a little – too far – these last few weeks, but it's nothing terrible, nothing that can't be fixed."

"No, you don't understand. I can't fix it because there is no way _to_ fix it. If I see him again, I know that I'll tell him how I feel and I'll give up this?" she gestured to her office. "And eventually I'll resent him for giving up this place, this dream. But if I don't see him then I'll spend the rest of my life feeling terrible for hurting him and missing him. I'm too selfish to give up my job for him and yet I know I'll be miserable without him. See, I'm a horrible person."

"No, you're not Sam. If you were you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. If you were truly selfish you wouldn't be suffering over the Colonel like this. But you know, there's one thing you seem to have forgotten in all of this."

"What?" Sam frowned at her. "There's nothing else."

"Yes, there is. There's the Colonel."

"What do you mean? Of course I know that – it's what I've been telling you."

"No Sam. You're forgetting that this isn't all just about you or how you feel. Don't you think he has some say in this? Don't you think he may be the one to make the decision? You say your choice is to give this up and be with him, or give him up. How do you know he'd even _let_ you give this up? Somehow I can't see the Colonel being willing to take you on those terms. In fact, I'm sure he wouldn't."

That stopped her dead. Sam stared at her friend, her mind going totally blank. She couldn't seem to process what Janet was saying, although why not she didn't know. But the, hadn't she herself figured out that Jack had pulled away from her because he'd probably heard Janet's words to her? Isn't that why he'd left and gone to Denver – so that he would free his teammates, her included, from being forced to look after him?

She allowed herself to think about what his reaction would be if she went to him and informed him that she was quitting the Air Force to be with him. What would he do? She snorted. He'd kick her ass all the way back to Cheyenne Mountain, that's what he'd do.

Jack would never let her give up her career to look after him. In fact, he'd hate that. He'd hate knowing that he would have to rely on her, that she'd be his caregiver. It would destroy him and would destroy their love.

God, she was such a fool. She had been so caught up in how she was feeling that she'd totally ignored the fact that he had a say in all of this. Just because he was hurt and weak and vulnerable, it didn't mean that he would lie back and let her decide his life for him.

"I've been a fool, haven't I Janet?" she said quietly. "I've been so worried about me, I forgot all about the Colonel."

"Sam, give yourself a break. The last year has been awful, for all of us, but especially for you. You kept the Colonel going after we found him. If it wasn't for you – I honestly don't think he would have made it. So you made a mistake – well actually, _I_ made a mistake by not keeping my mouth shut. You backed away from the Colonel and hurt both him and yourself in the process. But the situation isn't irretrievable. Go and see him Sam. Be his friend and _stay _his friend. I'm sure he doesn't expect anything more from you."

"But when I'm around him – I love him so much Janet."

"Of course you do – and this whole situation sucks. But he's not going to be here for that long Sam. Eventually they'll let him out of the hospital and the Colonel will start a new life. You can gradually separate yourselves without it being a break. You'll remain friends, but from a distance and eventually the feelings will fade and you'll get on with your life – and so will he. But leave it so that you think of each other fondly, not with bitterness."

She thought about what Janet had said, and inside felt like her heart was truly breaking. As painful as it had been to contemplate ending her friendship with Jack, it was somehow a thousand times worse to think of their feelings just fading out, dying before they'd ever had a chance to be born. And yet, she knew what Janet was saying was the only choice. There really was no future for them – less now, in fact, than there ever had been. She knew that what Janet was saying was the only choice.

She stood up then and walked over to her friend and gave her a hug. Partly it was to thank her, but even more than that it was because she simply needed the comfort. "Thank you Janet", she said. "I'll – go see the Colonel and remain friends."

"Good girl", Janet told her, giving her a fierce hug. "And remember I'm always here for you."

"I know." Sam stepped back and smiled. "I'm afraid I do have some reports to get done. I should -"

"I know", Janet laughed and headed for the door. "Just don't work so hard, okay. You need to get out and have some fun, meet some people outside of work. That'll help you take your mind off of the Colonel."

"Yeah, you're right." She continued to smile until after Janet was gone, at which time she slowly collapsed onto the floor. She didn't cry – her eyes remained dry and her voice silent – but she knew that something inside of her had died. She had just let go of all hope – she had just let go of Jack.

* * *

><p>"Hi Jack", Sarah looked up and smiled at him as he pushed aside his walker and took his seat at their table. He'd gotten in the habit of meeting her and Kurt – and sometimes Millie – for meals. He found that the two of them always managed to cheer him up, usually because they accepted their own situation so matter-of-factly.<p>

And then there was Millie who made him laugh. She could never hear him but had taken to thinking she knew what he was saying. She'd ended up getting all sorts of things wrong about him – but that didn't matter to her. She had told others numerous stories about him which weren't true but which had given him no end of enjoyment.

According to Millie he was a Captain in the army and had been stationed in Germany – the 2nd World War Germany. He'd tried to diffuse a bomb, but had gotten blown up in the process. Of course he'd managed to save an entire village while doing so and as soon as he was better he was going back and they were going to honor him with a plaque in the town square.

Kurt had tried to correct her, but she'd been adamant about the story. She'd even embellished it and the latest one was that he was in love with some poor German girl, but her father wouldn't let Jack 'court her' because he was American. So instead he'd hidden the poor girl and Jack was now on a quest to find her.

He'd received quite a few sympathetic looks for that one, and even some well-meaning advice. At first he'd tried to explain that it wasn't true – that in fact the 2nd World War was long over and he wasn't even born then, but most of the people, at least the older ones, just looked confused. In the end he'd decided to go along with it, figuring it was actually easier than trying to explain that he'd been captured and tortured.

Of course he couldn't tell any of the real details – that he'd been captured by an alien and held on a foreign planet – but he could have explained some of it, if he'd wanted to.

So instead he just enjoyed the stories, which circulated about him and even, on a couple of occasions, had embellished them.

"You shouldn't egg her on Jack", Sarah had scolded him.

He'd grinned and took a bite of his eggs. "But it's fun", he told her. "Have you heard the latest?"

"No, what is it?" she asked with a long-suffering sigh.

"Annaliese's brother is now out to get me."

Annaliese was the name of his supposed German girl-friend. Jack had no idea where Millie had come up with that one.

"Of course he is", Sarah rolled her eyes. "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"

He continued to grin, but just shrugged. Although talking was getting easier, he still struggled with it and often didn't say much. He probably spoke more to Sarah and Kurt – and Dr. Ibrahim – than anyone.

"You are a very naughty boy Jack O'Neill", Sarah said, laughing. She suddenly looked up, and from the smile on her face Jack knew that her husband had arrived.

He had met Donald a couple of days ago and had been thoroughly impressed with him. He was a small man, totally bald and with a honkin' big nose. He was also shy and had a bit of a stutter – and he adored his wife to death.

As far as Donald was concerned, Sarah was the most beautiful woman on Earth, scars or no scars. Jack could tell that the scars only bothered him in so far as they hurt his wife. At one point, when Sarah had left for a few minutes, Donald had confessed that he would have given anything to have been the one to bear the pain and the scars of the fire. Jack believed him.

He knew he was witnessing a strong and powerful love between two people and felt a pang of sorrow. He would have given anything to have someone love him like Donald loved his wife. He had watched them together for a few minutes and then got up and excused himself. They needed time alone.

As he'd slowly walked away Kurt had wheeled his chair up beside him. "They're something, aren't they", he'd said, his voice gentle. "I hope one day I can find someone who loves me like that."

"Yeah – they're both lucky", Jack said. "I felt sorry for her but now – I'm envious."

"Me too", Kurt answered, for the first time since Jack met him sounding sad.

Jack stopped and looked down at the young man, realizing how well he hid his hurt and despair. He let go of the walker and placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder. "You will you know – find someone. You're a special young man and there's a woman out there that's going to love you just like Donald loves Sarah."

"Even if I can't walk", he said bitterly.

"Well, you did say that everything else worked fine."

There was a moment of silence and then Kurt let out a bark of laughter. Jack couldn't help but grin as he watched Kurt wheel himself away. He had to figure out some way to help that young man.

Jack slowly made his way back to his room. He had a meeting with Dr. Ibrahim during the afternoon and he always needed to prepare himself for it. The appointments were extremely difficult and he often came out of them exhausted and depressed. But the next day he'd feel a little bit better, and knew that, as hard as they were, they were helping.

"Jack!" the doctor knocked and then entered Jack's room at his invitation. "How are you today?"

"Okay Doc", he smiled.

"Good." Ibrahim sat down in the chair across from the Colonel and looked at him closely. They had already had a few sessions but he knew O'Neill had a long way to go before he trusted him enough to let him in to the parts he'd closed off. Still, the man was brave enough to want to continue.

"What would you like to talk about today?" he asked gently. "Last time you told me about being captured. Can you tell me a bit about what happened afterward?"

Jack swallowed, not sure if he was really going to be able to tell the Doc much of anything. He didn't know if he could get the words out."

"I know it's hard Jack", Ibrahim said gently. "Can you tell me just one thing – one thing that's difficult to tell? It doesn't even have to be big – or the worst thing. Just one thing that bothers you."

Jack took a shaking breath in, trying to think of one thing that he could share. As he tried to sort through the memories of all that had been done to him, he started to shake. He felt physically sick and bent over, clutching his stomach.

"It's okay Jack – don't force yourself. It's too soon. Why don't you tell me a bit more about your team? You started to tell me about Murray the last time I was here. Why don't you tell me about him?"

Murray? Who was Murray? He looked at the man opposite him, but all he could see were the Jaffa. He could see them laughing at him, forcing him to crawl, to beg, to eat like an animal. He remembered the pain, the humiliation. He could feel himself getting lost in the memories – feeling as if he were back there, wanting to crawl into his cage, to be safe.

"_Jack!"_ Dr. Ibrahim was worried – the man in front of him was clearly having a flashback and he needed to pull him out of it. "Colonel – listen to me. You're okay. you're safe. You're in your bedroom and no one is going to hurt you. Can you hear me? You're safe."

It was hearing himself called Colonel that brought him back. Raijin never called him that, nor did the Jaffa. He was only Colonel here, where it was safe. It took him a few moments but finally he could feel himself coming back. He opened his eyes to see the Doc holding out a bottle of water. He took it gratefully and downed the whole thing at one time.

"Thanks", he gasped.

"That's okay Colonel. I'm sorry about that – it's too soon to be dealing with some of your memories. I think we need to stop now and try this another time." Ibrahim gave him a gentle smile. "I won't push so much next time."

Jack shook his head. "No – t's'okay. I – I can tell you", he said, his voice fading until it was almost gone. He sucked in a breath, needing as much oxygen as he could get. He could do this. "He – they made me crawl", he said. "I couldn't walk."

"Ever?" Ibrahim asked gently, although he kept his voice steady and flat, not wanting to sound sympathetic or shocked. He knew he needed to keep his emotions out of it as much as possible.

Jack shook his head. "No – they said", he swallowed, his throat tightening. He slowly breathed in and out, concentrating on relaxing. Finally he was able to continue. "They said – I was an – animal and didn't deserve to walk."

"I see." Ibrahim nodded, although inside the anger grew. He somehow knew this was just the tip of the iceberg and that what this man had suffered was going to be hard to listen to. "And how did you feel?"

Jack actually laughed at that, although the laughter was bitter. "Like – an animal", he admitted.

"But you are not an animal Colonel – you are a strong and good man who is working hard to overcome what you went through. They were the animals to treat you the way they did, not you." There was silence following the doctor's words so he continued. "You do know that, don't you Jack?"

"I guess", Jack answered, although he didn't sound too sure about that.

"But you're having trouble believing that?"

"Sometimes."

"Mmm – that's not unusual. What you went through – you were conditioned to believe what they told you but it's my job – mine and yours together – to undo that conditioning. You know that it's not going to be easy and it will take time – but you can do it."

"I know Doc", Jack smiled. "I just wish – it didn't take so long."

"I know for you it seems like a long time, but you're actually doing remarkably well. When you first came here I was worried, but then almost over night I saw a man determined to deal with his injuries, both physical and mental. But don't be afraid to ask for help or tell me or someone else when you need help. This is really tough, and there's no shame is relying on others. In fact, you _have_ to rely on others to help you, okay?"

Jack thought for a moment and then lifted his head and nodded. "Yeah, I know. It's just – hard."

"You're used to being the one who's helping others, right?"

"Yeah", Jack laughed. "You know me too well."

"Oh I've definitely seen your type before Colonel. But if you're going to get through this, you have to try and be not so tough on yourself. Cut yourself some slack and whatever you do, don't blame yourself. This was done to you and was not your fault."

"Yeah, most times I know that. It's just – sometimes."

"Mmm hmm. Well, if we keep working we'll get those sometimes to almost never. You're a strong man and you _can_ do this. I'm sure of it."

By the time the Doc had left Jack was again feeling exhausted, but somehow he also was feeling more hopeful. That was the first time he'd been able to actually give voice to something that was done to him. In some strange way speaking about it had taken away some of its power.

He laughed softly to himself. Wouldn't Daniel love to hear him say that? He'd been trying to get him to talk about his feelings for years. Turns out he was right all along.

* * *

><p>He had developed a pattern for his days and found a sense of peace as a result. He knew he was progressing, although more slowly than he would have liked. But he refused to let that get him down. As long as he was moving forward he could handle it.<p>

What made things easier is that he started to get regular visits from his friends. Daniel and Teal'c came at least once a week and others from the SGC also visited. It was easier now that he could actually speak, although mostly he listened to his visitors talk to him as he still didn't say much. He realized that there was power in being quiet – and that it allowed his friends to open up and share things they never had in the past.

He had also had visits from Janet and Cassie, and one weekend the two women had taken him out for the day to the zoo. Janet had insisted on a wheelchair, which he'd furiously refused, until Cassie had given him that big eyed _please Uncle Jack_ look. So in the end he'd allowed the two of them to wheel him around and had ended up spending the entire day laughing and teasing them and being teased.

He was sitting outside on one of the benches, enjoying the sunlight and the warmth of the summer day. He thought back to the time spent with Janet and Cassie and couldn't help but smile. He had such good friends. He was lucky.

At that moment however, the thought again hit him. The one person who hadn't yet visited was Sam. At first he'd been hurt, then angry, but finally he'd accepted it. He knew why she was doing it and as much as he missed her, he knew it was for her own good. He tried not to think of her, although she tended to sneak into his dreams. At least they were the good dreams and not the nightmares that still plagued him.

He wanted to ask about her and had tried to on several occasions, but something always stopped him. Maybe it was because he was afraid his friends would say that she was doing well and was happy. As much as he honestly wanted that for her, he knew that at the same time it would kill him.

So in the end he didn't ask, and they didn't tell. Slowly the part of him that had held her close, that had dreamed and hoped, began to die. He was letting her go and it was one of the most painful things he had ever experienced – only less painful than the loss of his son and the destruction of his first marriage. But in the end he knew it had to be. For her sake he had to let her go. She had great things ahead of her and he would have hated himself if he had gotten in her way.

No – his life would go on, not with the joy he had once hoped for, but still he wanted it to have meaning and purpose. What that was he didn't yet know, but he was going to work towards it. But he would do it alone, without the woman he loved at his side. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, slowly. He was finally able to accept that Sam would no longer be part of his life and begin to move on. He breathed out, and slowly let her go.

"Colonel?" her soft voice floated around him and he smiled. He could still remember her though, even if she would never be with him in reality.

"Colonel?"

His eyes opened slowly as the realization hit that what he was hearing wasn't in his mind. His looked up, to see Samantha Carter looking down at him. She was here. She had come.

He slowly shook his head. "No", he whispered softly. "No, please, not now."


	16. Just One Day

_**So, a bit of a shorter one today - sorry - was a busy day. Again thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. I really appreciate the many insightful comments. I will definitely try and respond over the weekend when I have a bit more time.**_

"Carter", he finally said after a second. She was looking thoroughly uncomfortable and almost as if she was ready to cry. He suspected his first words to her had done that.

He hadn't meant to be cruel but hell – the last thing he needed was this, now, when he'd just accepted he'd have to let her go.

"Colonel", she said softly. "I'm sorry – I'll go if you don't want me here."

"Of course I don't want you to go", he answered, his voice low and gravelly. "Sorry – you just caught me when I was thinkin' of something." He wasn't quite sure what to do or say then, and realized she was in exactly the same boat.

"Uh – have a seat?" he asked, moving slightly to give her more room. She carefully sat down, as far from him as she could get without falling off the bench. "What are you doing here?"

Her eyes jerked up quickly at that, and then she immediately looked down. "I came to see you", she said. "I know – I'm so sorry – I should – but I didn't want to – I mean, I _did_ but -"

"Carter _stop_!" he almost laughed, until he remembered there was more reason to cry. "It's okay. It's – nice to see you."

"Really?" She looked up at him again, and looked pleadingly into his eyes. "You're not mad that I'm here?"

He gave her a lopsided grin and shook his head. "Course not", he told her. "You're my friend."

Her eyes seemed to move over his entire face, as if she was trying to memorize him, or maybe it was that she was seeing if he meant what he was saying. After a few seconds he could see her take a deep breath and then she spoke. "I _am_ sorry. I never wanted to hurt you and I wasn't – I didn't want to ignore you. It just – it was all too much. I'm so sorry."

"I told you – it's okay. I'm fine."

She nodded, but almost immediately her eyes grew big and she stared at him.

"What?" he looked down. Was there something wrong with him? Did he have a glob of something on him? Or maybe his fly was open.

"You're – you're _talking_", she said wonderingly.

"Uh – yeah", he nodded. "Still – not too much", he told her, "but at least I can."

"No – it's great Sir – wonderful. Is it – is it hard?"

"Sometimes", he admitted. "Getting easier though."

"I'm so glad", she smiled. She then looked down at his hand and at the rest of him and frowned, although he was pretty sure it wasn't because she was upset. "You're looking great Colonel", she told him. "It looks like you've put on some weight."

"Yeah – Danny and T bringing me too much pizza," he told her with a smile. He was surprised at her reaction to that. Her expression instantly went blank and she didn't respond. Something was wrong but he couldn't tell what it was.

It was only as he continued to look at her that he realized. While he was looking better than the last time he'd seen her, she was looking much worse. She was pale and had clearly lost weight. Her cheeks seemed sunken and there were dark circles under her eyes. What the hell? "Carter – what's wrong?"

"Wrong Sir? What do you mean?"

"You look like – hell", he told her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I've just been working too hard I guess." She laughed, although it sounded forced. "I think I need a vacation." She looked around at that, as if noticing her surroundings for the first time. "It's pretty here."

He shrugged. "It's okay. I'm a little tired of it." He swallowed, suddenly desperate for a drink. He'd just said more in the last 10 minutes than he'd said at one time since before his capture.

"Uh – wanna go inside. I could use a drink", he told her.

"They have alcohol here?" she asked in surprise.

He looked at her quizzically. "Uh – no. I meant a soda or juice."

"Oh, sorry. I guess it's just the way you said it." She shrugged, looking slightly embarrassed.

He stood and turned towards the door. Shit, why had he suggested they go inside? Now she'd get to see him stumble his way into the building.

He'd given up the walker the week before and had been very proud of that fact. Still, he limped badly and could only walk at a slow pace. Andrew told him he still had a long way to go but that he'd get much better. Sadly, for now he figured he walked like an old man.

He sighed and took a step. Oh well – he _was_ an old man, at least compared to Sam.

"Wow Sir", she said, watching him walk. "That's amazing. I can't believe how well you're doing."

"Yeah well – it's been five weeks Carter", he told her. Could he help it if he sounded a little hurt – a little angry?

"I know", she said softly. "I'm so sorry. I should have been here before now."

Yeah, you should have, he thought, the anger rearing its ugly head and catching him by surprise. He was trying not to be hurt – had thought there for a minute that he was okay, but knew that if he was being honest it wasn't going to be so easy to forget. They'd reached the door by then and he put his hand out to open it, but she beat him to it. "Here, let me."

"I can open a damned door Carter", he mumbled as he walked past her. He could feel her flinch and suddenly realized this was not good. He'd thought he could be friendly and nice and not let her absence bother him, but the longer she was here, the more his resentment grew.

"Sorry – I just – sorry."

There was a small lounge with an attached kitchenette where they kept drinks for the residents. He told her to sit and then went and got them each a soda. He hobbled over to her and put it down in front of her and then sat across from her. He opened the soda and took a long drink, his eyes closing in relief.

Once he felt like he'd gotten himself firmly under control again he looked at the woman across from him. "So, what made you decide to come by now?"

"I don't know", she said, playing with the can. "I've been meaning to come for weeks", she admitted, "but I always chickened out."

"Mmm – fraid I'd bite?"

"No", she shook her head, but didn't look up. "I was afraid – you wouldn't want to see me."

"And why would you think that?"

"Because I'd hurt you", she said again, this time looking at him directly.

"Hurt me? Why would you think you'd hurt me Major?" he asked. "I mean, it's not like I expected my friend – someone I'd known and trusted for years – to actually come and visit me. And anyway, lots of other people came – Danny, Teal'c." He had to stop and take a few breaths, trying to calm himself down and loosen up his throat. "And Hammond, Janet and Cassie," he finally got out. "I can't forget Walter and Siler and the guys from Sg3 who all came to say hi. We played poker – I won. Nah, it's okay Major. You didn't need to worry about me."

She stared at him, her lip between her teeth. She knew – she'd known before coming – that he'd be angry with her. He was hurt, very, very hurt and she deserved everything he could throw at her. She sat quietly and let his words rip her apart.

"I'm sorry", she said again. She didn't know quite what else to say.

"You've said that already Major", he snapped. "If that's all you're gonna say, then maybe we should cut this short." He grabbed the can of soda and took another long swig. He could feel his throat start to seize up and didn't want to end up being unable to speak. It would be too humiliating.

"Do you hate me?" she asked.

That stopped him dead. Did he hate her? God – no. He _loved_ her for God's sake – that's why he was so angry, so hurt. Suddenly his voice left him. He opened his mouth, wanting to speak, to tell her, but nothing would come out. He watched as her eyes dimmed and then dropped down to look at her hands.

"I – should go", she told him. "I'm so – I shouldn't have come. I didn't mean to hurt you Sir – really. Please forgive me and I promise I won't bother you anymore. I'm glad that you're doing so much better." She stood up and turned away, ready to walk out of his life forever.

He should let her go. It was for the best – it would be best for her. She could walk away and put him out of her mind and get on with her life.

And he could too. He would never have to see her again, never have to listen to her call him Sir, or Colonel. He would never have to see those blue eyes, and listen to that voice. He could get on with his life.

"Carter," he managed to gasp. He stood quickly, almost falling over but he grabbed the table just in time. Of course he ended up knocking over their drinks and tried to grab one, but his damn hand wouldn't work and he ended up sending it flying off the table and into the back of another chair.

Losing his balance completely, he stumbled back, but couldn't save himself and ended up crashing into the chair and then falling in a heap on the floor.

"_Sir_!" Sam scrambled over to him, kneeling down beside him. "Are you okay?"

Of course he wasn't okay. He lay there on his side, curled up, not because of pain – although he'd have some bruises – but because of the humiliation. He was so pathetic and all he wanted was for her to go and leave him in peace.

"Colonel! Oh my God – are you okay Sir? Shall I call someone?"

God, that's the last thing he wanted! He finally forced himself to sit up, although it was difficult to get the leverage with his bad hand and arm. He finally managed to sit up, but by this time a small crowd had formed and he was feeling even more embarrassed.

"Maybe I should have someone come", Sam said, unsure what to do. She wanted to help the Colonel, but if his face told her anything it was that he was about ready to explode.

He shook his head, completely unable to utter a word. He tried to push himself up, but the weakness in his legs, combines with his hands, made it almost impossible. He closed his eyes in frustration, suddenly experiencing a flashback to his time with Raijin. He could remember the Jaffa laughing at him as he tried to crawl, feeling the humiliation even more than the physical pain of their kicks and whips.

"Jack?"

He didn't want to be here – please, he needed to go home. He covered his ears, not willing to hear the laughter, the derision. He knew he would be punished for that, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't stand it, not any more.

"Jack?"

Who was that? It was a voice he didn't remember – a soft voice, a gentle voice.

"Jack? Come on, let us help you."

He swallowed and finally was able to glance up, not into the face of his sadistic torturers, but into the beautiful face of Sarah.

"Sa – rah?" he asked.

She smiled – her lovely, crooked smile. "Yes it's me. Can I help you stand up?"

He blinked a couple of times and looked around. Oh God – he was in the center, lying on his ass. He nodded, and with her help – he finally managed to stand up. "Thanks", he said softly, carefully.

"Hey, no problem", she told him. "You should have seen some of my spectacular face plants – they were much worse than this one."

He smiled at her, although it was a shaky effort. He could tell that everyone was dispersing now that they knew he was okay. One thing he appreciated about this place was people understood the need to give each other space to allow them to retain their dignity.

"You okay?" she asked, patting him down with her good arm.

"Fine", he laughed shakily. "Just – a clutz."

"Mmm – well, as long as you're sure you're fine I'll leave you with your friend. I just came for a bottle of juice."

"Thanks Sarah", he smiled and leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. It happened to be the scarred side of her face, which he hadn't even thought about, although as he straightened he could see her put her hand up to her cheek. He wondered for a moment if he'd made a mistake but at her smile realized he hadn't.

He watched as she limped away and then turned slowly, knowing that Carter was still there, still watching him.

"Sorry – bout that", he said. "I'm – " he shrugged, knowing there was no point in saying anything. He was a cripple and there was no nice way of putting it.

"I shouldn't have come, should I?" she asked softly. "After ignoring you and treating you like crap I come and cause all this." She laughed bitterly. "I'm sure you don't want to hear me say I'm sorry again, but – I won't bother you anymore, I promise."

"Sam", he said, this time not trying to move. "Please – don't – go", he managed. He needed to talk to her but he couldn't, his voice wasn't cooperating. He wanted to scream but instead he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to let her see how close to the surface his emotions were.

"But Sir – I'm not good for you."

He chuckled at that. "Not – good for me? God Sam, you've saved my life – more times – than I can – remember. Please?"

He looked at her then, to see her nod, although it was hesitant. He didn't quite know what to do and was thankful when she finally made the suggestion.

"Shall we go to your room?" she asked. "You'll probably be more comfortable there. Did you hurt yourself?"

"Just – my ego", he told her with a wry grin. He wasn't going to admit that he was feeling weak and unsteady from the fall and from the emotional turmoil of having her here.

She laughed, although it too was unsteady, and then reached out and linked her arm with his. "Lead on Sir", she said.

By the time they got to his room he was ready for a nap, which was ridiculous with Carter here. He'd wanted to see her for so long. But he was so goddamned tired – of everything. He could feel the depression start to creep up on him and cursed to himself. He didn't need this, not right now.

"So, should we start again?" she asked with a smile.

He nodded. Yes, he'd definitely not been at his best today. "Nice – to see you – Sam", he mumbled.

"Nice to see you too Sir. How are you doing?"

He didn't answer, but looked at her – really looked at her. How was he doing? He was lost and lonely and yet trying so hard to make something good of his life. He swallowed and smiled. "Fine."

She watched him carefully, seeing more than he knew and more than she wanted to see. He was so brave – he was trying too hard to move forward. Even though Teal'c was barely speaking to her, and Daniel had been less than his usual warm self with her, she had heard from others about how well Jack was doing, how hard he was trying, how far he had come. They were all pleased for him. They all believed he was going to be okay and they could put aside their worry. And they were wrong. This man was alone and scared and he needed her. But the thing that suddenly hit her, that was a revelation to her, and changed everything about how she was feeling, was that _she_ needed him.

"Fine hmm? Right Sir. Look, why don't you lie back on your bed and relax. I brought my laptop -"

"Of course you did", he told her affectionately.

She smiled. "Of course I did. I'll just work on some stuff while you have a little nap and then afterward I thought you might like to go for a drive. It's a beautiful day."

He swallowed, overwhelmed by her presence and by the thought of spending time with her. If he was smart – and he'd never claimed to be – he'd tell her no, that she should go. He wasn't good for her – and he was afraid, very, very afraid that the more he saw her, the harder it would be to let her go.

But that was for tomorrow. He'd missed her so much. What would one little day matter in the grand scheme of things?

"Kind of boring to watch me sleep", he murmured.

"I'm used to it Sir", she grinned. "Just lie back and sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Yeah, okay', he said quietly, knowing that he was making a huge mistake, but unable to bear the loneliness anymore. It was just one day, he reminded himself. Just one day. When he awoke she would be there and he could pretend, just for a moment, that his life had turned out the way he hoped.

Just one day.


	17. Goodbye

_**Angst ahead. **_

As she watched him sleep she thought about the revelations that had just hit her. Why hadn't she seen it before this? Or maybe she had, but when he was with her every day, when they worked together at the SGC, or went off-world together and spent team nights together she'd been able to get enough of him to fill that yearning within her and had been satisfied. She'd thought, for so long, that it was her career that was fulfilling her. That it was going through the Gate that made her the strong and confident woman she'd become. She thought that her rank, the respect she got from peers and superiors and those who served under her was what had made the difference in her life. And while those things _were_ important, and had become a part of her, she realized something else. It was _this_ man who gave her the strength and the courage to do all of those things and to be the person she was now.

Oh, she knew she could be successful without him, she _was_ strong and competent and smart. But it wouldn't be the same. He _grounded_ her like no one had ever done in her life. He was the one she wanted to come home to and she knew that he would always be there for her, would be her rock.

And she'd been willing to give this up. What a fool she'd been. Well, things were going to change. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply. For the first time, in a long time, she felt like everything was suddenly clear. Her turmoil was gone and she knew she was making the right decision, the only decision.

Jack slept for almost two hours and it struck her, as she continued to watch him sleep, that he still had a long way to go in his recuperation. He looked so much better than when he'd left the Infirmary, but he was still much too thin, much too pale and clearly still hurting, both physically and emotionally. Well, it was now her job to help him through this.

Suddenly his hand twitched and then he licked his lips and sighed. A few seconds later his eyes opened, although he did nothing more than stare at the ceiling for a few heartbeats. He then slowly turned his head, and she could see the moment he realized that she was there.

"Carter", he said softly, wonderingly.

"Hi Jack. Did you have a good sleep?"

He frowned, almost as if confused, but finally he nodded. "Guess so. What time is it?"

She looked at her watch. "Uh it's 1:10."

"What?" he sat up abruptly and then winced as something twinged. "God, you let me sleep for hours. I'm sorry, you must have been bored."

"Nope", she smiled and tapped her computer. "Remember, I brought my laptop."

"Oh yeah, right", he smiled slightly. "Did you get a lot done?"

"I _just_ about figured out why there's more matter observable in the universe than anti-matter, but then you woke up", she said, sounding disappointed.

"Sorry – you want me to go back to sleep for a while?" he said with a grin.

"No, that's okay", she answered sadly, shaking her head. "I'm afraid I've lost the answer. I'll have to start over."

By this time Jack was sitting up on the side of his bed. He stretched and yawned. "Sorry Carter – didn't mean to interrupt your genius brain at work." He stretched again. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving."

"Yeah, me too. How about I take you out for lunch?" she asked casually.

His eyebrow lifted. "Really? You buying?"

"Of course Si – ur Jack." She stood and started gathering her things, grabbing her light sweater and putting her laptop back in its bag. She wondered what he would say if he knew she hadn't even turned the damn thing on.

It took a few minutes for him to get ready but finally they were heading out. As they walked down the hall Kurt came out of his room. "Hey Jack", the young man called, stopping his wheelchair and turning it to face the Colonel and his companion.

"Hi Kurt", Jack smiled at the young, reaching out and grasping his shoulder briefly. "I'd like to introduce you to my – uh, my friend, Sam. Sam Carter, this is Kurt Damon – resident trouble maker and master interpreter!"

Kurt laughed and held out his hand. "Hi. Are you really Jack's friend?" he asked mischievously.

"Yes", Sam smiled, glancing between the two men.

"Wow", Kurt said with a shake of his head. "You've been keeping her hidden Jack." The young man smiled again at Sam and gave her a wink.

"I forgot to tell you that Kurt is also our resident lady killer", Jack teased him. "And for that reason, we're going now." He reached out and gently took Sam's elbow and guided her forward. "Find someone your own age!" he called back. Kurt laughed and then headed off down the hall.

It took quite a while before they made it to the car since Jack couldn't walk very fast. After they'd left Kurt he'd dropped his hand so Sam had calmly reaching out and wrapped hers around his bicep. He glanced at her quickly and looked like he was going to pull away, but at the last second he stopped.

Once they were in the car Sam pretended to not notice that he was tired from the short walk. Instead she concentrated on getting the car going and out onto the road. "Any preference?" she asked.

"Just something spicy", he replied. "The food is pretty bland here."

"Although Ferretti tells me you have the guys bring pizza and stuff when they come."

"Of course", he answered with surprise. "What good is having them come if they don't bring food?"

"Mmm hmm", she grinned. A few minutes later they found a Mexican restaurant and she pulled in and stopped. Soon they were eating in the small but tasty cantina.

At first their conversation was awkward, but after a while the habit of years returned and they were chatting away as if it had been only yesterday they were on a mission together. Although Sam kept the conversation away from anything classified, she did talk about various people at the SGC and some of the funny stories of things that had happened.

"And Cassie has a new boyfriend", she told Jack.

"A new one? So Tyler is no longer in the picture?"

"_Tyler_? Oh heavens – he must be a least three boyfriends ago. Nope, Cassie informs me she is _very_ discerning when it comes to boys and she won't accept anyone who isn't perfect."

Jack lifted a brow. "Perfect? Ah, to be a teenager and to have all those ideals. She's in for a shock when she discovers there's no such person."

"Sadly that's probably true, although she may find the person who is perfect for _her_", Sam said quietly.

"You're an idealist too Carter", he stated, sounding suddenly more serious.

"An idealist? No, I don't think so. But I do thing that sometimes we're lucky enough to find someone who is– if not perfect – at least is the right one for you."

"And how do you know who the _right_ one is?"

She thought for a moment. "Well, for me I guess it's someone who helps you be the best you can be, but who accepts you for who you are. It's someone who loves you, not because you're perfect, but because you're you. And it's someone who can accept as well as give love."

"And you say you're not an idealist?" he answered with a crooked grin.

"So what about you? Do you think there's a right person for everyone?"

He took a swig of his beer and then looked down at the table. "I don't know Carter", he said honestly. "I think it's more luck if we find someone like that. But I also think maybe it's about not just finding the right person, but also about finding the right time."

She frowned and tilted her head. "The right time?"

"Yeah", he said quietly, starting to peel the label of his beer with his good hand. "All those things you said – I agree with them I guess – but they'd don't mean anything if you're not in a place where you can – accept them. If it's not the right time then – it can't be the right person." He looked up at that, his eyes more serious than she'd ever seen them. "When I met my wife – it was the right time for me. I was young and idealistic", he smiled, "and the future looked bright. And I thought I'd met the perfect woman and we'd live happily ever after." He closed his eyes and breathed slowly. "And that was all destroyed in the blink of an eye and then – and then we were no longer the right person for each other. My time to have a wife and family – that time was gone."

Sam swallowed, not quite sure what to say or where Jack was going with this, but she knew she couldn't leave it. Somehow she knew that her future, her very life depended on this conversation.

"So you're telling me there's only one chance for love?"

She watched as he took another deep breath and then his eyes lifted to hers. "No", he said, so quietly that she almost didn't hear him. "The heart – is a crazy thing. It doesn't really learn its lesson very well and even – after being almost destroyed it has the capacity to find love again" he gave a soft chuckle, "to find someone who's right for you", he stopped and set down his bottle sharply. "But even if there's love it can't work if it's not the right time."

She knew then what he was saying to her and her heart wanted to break. "Jack -please?" She reached out and took his hand – the weak one – and held it between the two of her. "How do you know? It _can_ be the right time, if you _make _it the right time."

"No Carter", he told her, although he didn't pull his hand away. "No."

"Jack – I _love_ you. I've loved you for a long time. I'm so sorry it took me so long to realize that you're what I need, what I want – that my career isn't anything without you. I'm sorry – but I'm sure now. I love you and I want to spend my life with you."

She watched him swallow and then felt him gently pull his hand away. He again lifted his eyes to peer directly into hers and she was shocked to see his full of so much pain. "I know Sam – and I'd be lying if I didn't say I loved you too. I've loved you for a long time and I can't tell you how often I wished we didn't leave it in the room all those years ago. But we did and we can't go back – not now, not ever."

"Why not?" she whispered, her heart starting to shatter.

"Because – as much as I love you Sam, and I do, I don't even know who I am any more." He swallowed and coughed, his voice getting rougher and softer as he talked. This was killing him – in more ways than one – but he had to force himself to get the words out. He owed her that much.

"This last year – it broke me, and it almost destroyed me. In fact, most days I'm pretty sure it _did_ destroy me. You see the physical wounds getting better slowly, although I'll never be what I was. But you don't see the damage that is inside. As much as I love you Sam I can't _love_ you. I am too damaged, too unsure of who I am, too broken to love someone and give them what they need. It wouldn't be fair to you and ultimately it wouldn't be fair to me." Jack coughed and it took a almost a minute before he was able to speak again. "You see, I'd end up destroying you and that would kill me. It almost killed me when I destroyed my family and I can't live through that again."

"You wouldn't", she cried, trying to reach out for his hand again. "You would never destroy me Jack. I _know _you. I know the kind and decent and honorable man you are. It might be hard, we'd have lots to overcome, but we'd do it. Haven't we always done it Sir? We've saved the galaxy together, surely we can figure out how to love each other and make it work?"

He shook his head. "You don't understand", he whispered. "I'm not that man anymore Sam. I'm Surebu – a lowly slave not worthy of love." When she went to open her mouth to protest he reached out and gently touched her lips. "I tell myself it's not true – and so does everyone else and some of the time I almost believe it – but inside", he touched his chest, "inside I still know it's true. Until I rediscover myself, until I stop believing I'm unworthy of love, that I'm Surebu, then I can't love someone else. You have to see that Sam."

"No – no I don't", she told him, her voice cracking with pain and despair. "I think you're wrong. I think the way to rediscover yourself, to love again, is to – to be bold, to step forward and to take a chance. That's the way to learn you're Jack O'Neill, not this Surebu you talk about."

He sat back slowly, his voice about ready to give out and his heart about ready to shatter. "I could take a chance on me Sam but never on you."

She sat looking at him for the longest time – looking directly into his eyes. They were sad – heartbroken – but determined. She'd seen that look on his face many times and knew there was no way she was going to move him. He was right – he would take a chance for himself, but he would never do it for her because if there was anything he couldn't live with, it was destroying someone he loved.

"So – what do we do?" she asked softly, refusing to allow herself to cry, not because she wasn't in agony, but because she wanted to spare him more pain.

"You drive me back to the Center and we say goodbye", he told her softly. "And after we say goodbye you'll go and live your life. I'll wish all the most wonderful things for you and hope to hear about how you're the best damn officer the Air Force has ever had. If you don't make General before too long I'll go knock on the doors of the idiots in Washington and demand that they get their heads out of their asses and promote you. And I'll hope that one day you'll meet someone who is right for you – at the right time, and you'll marry him and live happily ever after. And I hope that once in a while you'll think of me fondly and hope that I'm doing well and remember all the times we saved the world together."

That broke her. The tears escaped and ran in rivulets down her cheek and she instantly saw her pain reflected on Jack's face. This was killing him but she couldn't help it, she couldn't stop herself. She only allowed herself a few seconds though and then she got herself under some small bit of control and stood up. "You're tired. I'll drive you back."

She watched as Jack pushed himself to his feet and wanted to reach out, knowing that he was about ready to collapse from exhaustion and pain – but she couldn't. She knew if she touched him that she would break.

The ride back was done in total silence, both of the car's occupants suffering. Sam wanted to slam on the brakes and demand that Jack change his mind. She wanted to tell him he was being ridiculous, that he was sacrificing himself for nothing, that they could beat this – that they could have their happy ending.

But she didn't. It wasn't only because she was sure Jack would be determined in his refusal to accept a life together. No, it was because there was a small part of her that recognized that what he was saying was true. He needed to find himself – to rediscover himself – before he could ever truly love or be loved. It hit her then that if he ever got to that point, it would be too late for the two of them.

When they got to the Center she stopped and before he said anything got out and went around to his side and opened the door. She reached down and helped him out of the car. When he went to refuse she simply told him to shut up and let her help him.

He nodded and they walked together to the front door, Jack walking even more slowly than when they'd left. He was terribly pale and she was worried, but knew there was little she could do. Right now all she could do was get out of here as quickly as possible. Her control was about to snap. When they got inside she told him to sit and went to the front desk.

"Colonel O'Neill needs help to his room", she said. "He's not feeling well."

The young receptionist looked at her in surprise but then nodded and picked up her phone. "Someone will be here in a minute", she told Sam when she finished her call.

Sam thanked her and walked back to the Colonel and sat on the chair next to his. "Someone is going to come and help you back."

"I can -"

"No, you can't." She swallowed and looked at him and then reached out and this time took both of his hands in hers. "I'll miss you, more than you'll ever know. And I _will_ think of you – more than just occasionally – and I'll wish wonderful things for you. If I do ever make General I want you to know that the moment they pin those stars on me I'll be thinking of you and thanking you, because it will be _because_ of you."

"Carter", he started to protest, but she interrupted him.

"No Jack – if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be the person, or the officer I am." She leaned forward them and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. I love you and I always will."

She stood up slowly and dropped his hands. "Take care of yourself Colonel O'Neill."

"You too Carter", he replied, his voice practically gone.

She stood up straight and gave a shaky smile, but then gave him a perfect salute, even though neither of them was in uniform. "It's been an honor Sir."

He saluted back, although it was less than perfect, and very shaky, but she knew his heart was in it. "The honor has been mine Sam. Take care of yourself."

She smiled again and then turned and walked out the door, never looking back.

Jack watched her until she was gone. When the young man came a moment later to help him to his room, he found the Colonel with tears streaming down his face. Jack stood shakily and leaned on the young caseworker's shoulder, not speaking as he headed back to his room – and to a life of loneliness.

_**To my readers: I've mentioned that this story is somewhat different than most of my others. I've tried to keep this more in the realms of realism, which is very hard to write (and for some, hard to read) as I always love my happily-ever-afters. I am not saying that this won't end that way – and I'm not saying it will. I am going where the story is taking me. For those of you (like me) who generally don't read tragedies or sad endings, pop me a PM and I'll give you an idea of where I'm going with this story. I don't want anyone to feel upset or cheated at the end.**_


	18. Not Looking Back

_**Thank you all for your comments, reviews and PM's. It was great to hear what people thought about where this story is going. I'm sorry for the couple of you who said you weren't going to read anymore because you didn't want a sad story (I get it – I hate them myself).**_

_**It was very clear that the vast majority of my readers are like me and want a happy ending! Since that's the case – that's where this story is headed. I won't tell you how, and it may take a while, but rest assured that my favorite OTP will live happily ever after. I just may need to throw in a bit more angst before we get there.**_

_**And so … on with the show.**_

Sarah and Kurt were worried about Jack. He'd retreated back into the stone-faced, reclusive man he'd been when he first arrived. He refused to see any of his friends, and they knew they were worried about him too. Dr. Ibrahim had been to see him a few times, but each time came out of Jack's room, shaking his head and looking concerned.

About three weeks after Jack's friend Sam had gone – and both Kurt and Sarah knew her visit is what had caused him to retreat into himself– Jack came out of his room and joined them for lunch. All he said was 'sorry', and then he was back to being the Jack they'd both grown to love.

Not _quite_ the old Jack, Sarah realized, even though he pretended. She wasn't quite sure if Kurt picked up on it or not, but didn't say anything, respecting Jack's need for privacy. She was pretty sure he was in love with the young woman she'd met briefly that day, and yet they clearly weren't together. She wondered who had been the person to walk away. She wanted to ask, but again knew enough to keep quiet.

The two of them tried to offer as much silent support as they could to their friend, and he seemed to be willing to accept it and appreciate it. Nobody spoke of the woman who had visited or what was bothering him, but instead they joked, they teased, they harassed and they just loved him – and slowly they could see him move out of his despair and depression and decide to start living again.

Almost six weeks more weeks had passed when Sarah got the news. She was told she was ready to go home. She shed some tears on Jack's shoulder – frightened at having to join the real world. In this place people were accepting. Everyone was damaged in some way, but they all knew that they were real people – that although their physical bodies were damaged, their souls were still intact and still precious.

But now Sarah faced a world that was not forgiving of physical differences, of scars. She knew her husband and family would be there for her, but it was going to be hard for them as well.

"I don't know if I can do it Jack", she told him one evening. "I'll never be able to leave the house."

"Yes you will Sarah", he told her firmly. "You're one of the bravest women I know. You'll put your best clothes on and you'll go out with your husband on your arm and you'll lift your head proudly and show everyone how beautiful you are!"

She laughed. "Beautiful Jack? With this face?"

"Beautiful Sarah", he said firmly. "You are one of the loveliest people I've ever met. Yes you have scars – but those are only on the surface. Inside you're strong, and gorgeous and whole."

"Jack – you are a flatterer", she said, obviously embarrassed by his words.

"Me?" he laughed. "Anyone who has known me for long knows that's the farthest thing from who I am. I'm always getting in trouble for being too honest." He stopped and his face grew serious. He reached out and took her hands, even the one that was horribly disfigured. "Sarah, you have helped me more than you will ever know. When I first saw you I was struck by how determined you were to go on, to love and be loved. You didn't let this destroy you but you decided to keep living. I needed that because I _wasn't_ ready to keep living. And you have to know how precious a gift that is. As you go back into the 'real world' as you call it, you can spend your time worrying about what shallow people think when they see you, or you can decide to take that gift and use it to make others believe in themselves. And you can go and love your husband and your children and your new granddaughter because they don't care that you have scars. They're just grateful, everyday, that you decided to live."

She cried at that and gave him a big hug. "And you Jack – you have an amazing gift as well and don't _you_ forget that. I've seen what you've done for Kurt and for others in here – and for me. I don't know all that you're dealing with, because unlike me most of your scars _are_ on the inside, but don't let them defeat you. _Live _Jack – and love – because you too are a beautiful person."

They held a going away party for Sarah and everyone was there because she was dearly loved. Her family all came and were touched at the outpouring of affection for the woman they all knew and had loved their whole lives.

Donald came up to Jack and shook his hand. "Thank you. Sarah told me what you said to her. You'll always be a friend Jack – and if you ever need anything, we're here for you."

The next few days both Kurt and he were rather quiet, feeling sad to have lost the woman who had been like a sister to Jack and a mother to Kurt.

It was a couple of weeks later when Jack got the news – he too was being released. His therapists and Dr. Ibrahim all felt he was well enough, that it was time for him to strike out on his own. He'd continue with his therapy, but would go in as an outpatient.

Of course home was a problem. He had already decided that he couldn't go back to Colorado Springs because there would be too many reminders of the life he had lost. On the other hand, he couldn't go to his cabin in Minnesota. It was too isolated and too difficult to go for regular therapy. And the other problem, which he hated to think about but which was his reality now – was he couldn't look after the place on his own. His injuries, although much better, didn't allow him to do the upkeep and repairs that were necessary to keep a cabin in the woods livable.

He debated about selling the place, but knew he couldn't do that either. It had been in his family too many years and held too many memories. Instead he contacted a neighbor and arranged to have him look after the place in exchange for a small monthly payment.

So that left him wondering where to live. In the end it was Kurt who helped him make the decision and start thinking about a whole new direction in his life.

He found the young man sitting outside in the garden, a pensive look on his face. When Jack approached he didn't even look up and it took him a few minutes to realize anyone was even there. When he did he appeared so forlorn that Jack immediately sat down on the bench beside his wheelchair. "What's up?" he asked casually, although his eyes were focused intently on the young man.

Kurt laughed softly. "You know they say things always come in threes?"

"Do they?"

Kurt snorted. "Well, in this case they do. I'm being let out of here too."

"Oh. And that's not good news?"

"Sure it is. I mean, I don't want to have to stay in a place with a bunch of old people and – and cripples like me", he said sharply.

Jack's eyebrows went up. Kurt hated talk like that and was always respectful and caring of the people at the Center. "Well, I wouldn't call them that, but I do know what you mean about not wanting to stay here forever. But I gotta say – you don't look too happy."

"Sure I'm happy", Kurt answered, although his looked away, unable to meet Jack's eyes.

"Will you be going to your aunt and uncle's?" Jack asked carefully, wondering what was going on.

"No", his young friend answered. "They said – they _wanted_ to have me, but their place just couldn't accommodate a wheelchair. They said they were sure that I would understand", he ended bitterly.

Jack winced. Kurt had shared his story – that he was left an orphan at the age of ten when his parents were killed in an auto accident. His aunt and uncle had taken him in, even though they were older and had never had children of their own. From what he'd said, they'd treated him well and lovingly, but didn't really know what to do with a rambunctious boy. They'd been relieved when he'd gone off to college although they welcomed him home for holidays and were supportive of him.

It sounded like they were good people – they had tried to do right by Kurt – but just didn't know how to be parents. They lived in Oklahoma and had stayed with him in the early days after his accident but when he'd been transferred to the rehab Center they'd left and gone home. They wrote regularly, but now it appeared they weren't willing to take him back.

Jack could tell that Kurt was both crushed and frightened. He didn't have any other family and nowhere else to go. For a moment he wanted to get up and go call that aunt and uncle and tell them what he thought of them, but stopped himself. That wouldn't help. Instead he made an instant decision.

"Well then, I guess I'm in luck", he said, sounding pleased.

Kurt turned and frowned at him at that. "What? You think it's lucky for you that I have no place to go", he said, sounding angry.

"Mmm hmm", Jack told him, scratching his head and stretching his legs out with a sigh. "I have to find myself a place to live", he said. "I've decided to stay here in Denver but I hated the thought of living alone. I wanted to ask you if you would be interested in sharing a place, but I didn't because I figured you'd prefer to move back to Oklahoma. But if you're not", he shrugged and looked at the young man. "That's what I meant about being in luck. I know the last thing you probably want is to share a place with an old guy like me, but I'm not that hard to live with", he grinned, "and you'd have your own room and privacy. What do you think? Would you be interested?"

Kurt swallowed and he cleared his throat a couple of times He then took a deep breath and turned to look at Jack. "Are you doing this out of pity?"

Jack stared at him for a second and then finally nodded. "I am", he said, noticing the shocked looked on the other man's face, "pity for me. I _really_ don't want to live alone", he explained. "It's – going to be hard – both the transition to civilian life and – and learning to live with my injuries - I just thought it would be better if there was someone around. I mean, I know you can be _extremely _irritating -"

"_Irritating_?", Kurt sputtered, "_Me_? You're the one who eats all the jello on jello days – and who was it that decided to spit spit balls in the dining room. And what about all the wild stories you told to Hank and Roger? They _still_ look at me funny."

Jack grinned and stretched again. "Well, I had to do something to keep myself amused."

Kurt snorted. "Right. Are you sure you're not a ten year old in a man's body Jack?"

This was greeted by a laugh. "That's what my Air Force buddies have been asking for years."

"I know – Daniel Jackson told me about some of your pranks." After that Kurt stopped speaking, his face growing serious. Jack sat quietly and didn't say anything. He wanted Kurt to make up his own mind.

Jack realized, as the quiet continued, that although his invitation had been spur of the moment, done to help Kurt who was feeling abandoned and frightened, in actual fact what he'd said was true. He _didn't_ want to be alone. He needed a purpose in life and somehow helping this young man return to living appealed to him. He was a bit older than Charlie would have been now, but there was something about Kurt that reminded him of his son.

"Are you sure?" Kurt's voice interrupted his thoughts. The poor kid still sounded so lost. "I don't – I don't really have any money although my aunt and uncle said they could send me a little."

"I have a decent pension", Jack told him. "Money isn't a big deal as long as you help with the cooking."

"I can do that", Kurt nodded, "although it's a bit tricky being in a wheelchair."

"We'll figure it out. And you have to finish school", Jack said.

"I – no", Kurt shook his head. "I'm finished with college."

"Why?"

"Because – I was planning to become a sports therapist but it's not like I can actually do that now."

"Mmm, maybe not", Jack said, although he wasn't sure if that was the case or not. "So, plans can change. There are other things you can do. But what you _can't_ do is give up. You need a college education to have a decent career and support yourself."

"But you didn't go to college, did you? I mean, you just went into the Air Force."

"Nope. I got a degree – had to have one to become an officer."

"Oh, I didn't know that. It doesn't matter though – I still can't go back."

"Why not?"

"I lost my scholarship", he confessed. "I was there on an athletic scholarship – hockey. I can't exactly play anymore", he laughed bitterly.

"No, you can't" Jack agreed softly. "But right now that doesn't matter either. What matters is getting you back into school. Leave it to me and I'll work something out."

"Jack, are you sure?" Kurt asked, sounding so scared and alone.

He put out his hand and grasped the young man's shoulder. "Yes, I'm sure. It'll be great kid, you'll see."

Kurt looked as if he was about to cry, which of course made him horribly embarrassed. He wiped his eyes with his arm and then tried to grin. "Do you like watching sports on TV?" he asked suddenly.

"Yup", Jack nodded, "especially hockey. So we'll do fine together." With a grin he pushed himself to his feet. "Come on – let's go check out the rental situation. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to kick this place."

Jack contacted a real estate agent, and with her help was able to locate a condo close to the University of Colorado. What was even better is that she found him one that had been made wheelchair accessible for a previous tenant. He paid the deposit and told Kurt they had a place to live. He realized then that he'd just taken the first step to his new life.

_**Another chapter up shortly – keep checking those alerts!**_


	19. Step One

_**Okay, not too much angst in this (just a teeny bit). This is mostly just moving things forward. Don't worry – I won't forget our J/S.**_

Daniel and Teal'c, Janet and Hammond – hell, just about everyone at the SGC had been worried about Jack. Although they didn't know about Sam's visit, they did know that something must have happened to cause the Colonel to go into a deep depression.

"I don't understand it Teal'c", Daniel said, leaning his elbows on the table in front of him. "He was doing so much better. I mean, he seemed to be really working at getting better, and then all of a sudden he won't talk to anyone. What the hell happened?

"I do not know Daniel Jackson", Teal'c answered him. He looked down at the food in front of him and poked a fry but then sighed and dropped his fork. "O'Neill would not tell me."

"No, me either. And Hammond said he even tried and Jack refused to see him – said he wasn't feeling well. He wouldn't even listen to _Janet_! We've got to do something."

Just then Major Carter walked into the commissary. She made her way over to the food and picked up a salad. She got herself a bottle of water and then turned, tray in hand, to find a table. It was only then that Daniel saw her face.

"What the hell?" he muttered.

"What is wrong?" Teal'c asked, glancing around. He couldn't see Carter as his back was to her.

"_Sam_!" Daniel called, ignoring his friend. "_Sam", _he called again when she didn't notice. At that she glanced up and saw Daniel. Her eyes flickered to Teal'c and she looked indecisive, not sure whether to approach the table or not. Teal'c could barely tolerate her presence. "Come on over."

With a sigh Sam finally gave up and made her way to the men's table. "Hi Daniel, Teal'c. What is it?"

Daniel smiled and pulled out a chair, although Teal'c only nodded formally at her. "Sit down. What's up? I haven't seen you for ages."

"Just busy in the lab", she said quietly, looking down at her salad. "I've been helping Dr. Lee on some new equipment for our field teams."

The fact that Samantha Carter didn't immediately wax eloquent on her work showed Daniel that something _was_ dreadfully wrong. She looked like hell and he could tell she'd lost weight. He knew she'd been upset about Jack and he was still somewhat angry with her for her decision to avoid the Colonel, but now he was worried about her.

"Teal'c and I were just talking about Jack", he said, eying her reaction carefully.

Her hand stilled, just for a second, but then she continued to eat her salad, not looking up at her companions. "Oh?" she asked, sounding uninterested.

"Yeah, he's not doing very well", Daniel told her. That caused her to look up, and he almost fell backward at the pain he saw in her eyes. "Sam?"

"What Daniel?" she asked, sounding impatient. "And what do you mean he's not doing well. I thought he was getting better."

"He was but then a couple of weeks ago he started to refuse to see anyone and he's angry and depressed. Nobody seems to be able to reach him. I thought maybe if you -"

"NO", she said sharply, interrupting him. "Seeing me would not help him", she laughed, sounding angry and bitter. "I promise you."

"But Sam – you helped him when he came home. It made a real difference to him when you were there."

"That was before Daniel", she told him softly, again peering down at her salad, but this time only playing with her food. "Since – well, now he won't want to see me."

"Since when Major Carter", Teal'c asked sharply.

She lifted her head slowly, eyeing the Jaffa directly. "Since I went to see him."

"You _saw_ him? You mean since he's been in Denver?" Daniel asked, surprised. "But you didn't say anything about that – and nor did he, now that I think of it. When were you there?"

"Just over two weeks ago", she said softly, although she refused to look away from Teal'c.

It only took the two men a few seconds before they realized what she meant. "It was you", Teal'c murmured.

"Yes", she replied carefully, "it was me." She slowly pushed her way to her feet and picked up her tray, knowing she couldn't say more or she'd break. She had already turned away when Teal'c's voice stopped her.

"What did you do to him Major Carter?" he asked. Although his voice was soft, she could hear the throb of anger running through it.

She closed her eyes briefly, but then opened them and lifted her head high, even though she didn't look back at her two companions. "I told him I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him", she replied. "He told me no." With that she walked away.

She was proud of herself. She made it all the way back to her lab before dissolving into tears. When they finally came, however, it was in a torrent of pain and unbearable anguish.

She'd managed to hold it in – for the most part – since she'd returned from Denver. She'd thrown herself into her work – staying at the lab for eighteen and twenty hours a day. By the time she hit her bed – usually in the VIP quarters at the SGC – she was so exhausted she collapsed into sleep. At no time did she allow herself the luxury of thinking – or of grieving. She just soldiered on.

But meeting Daniel and Teal'c – and hearing the contempt in Teal'c's voice, was the last straw. She couldn't hold it in anymore so here she was, curled up in a ball on her office floor, crying her heart out for the man she loved.

She didn't hear the knock on her door, nor did she hear it open. She _was_ however aware that someone had knelt down beside her. A second later she felt a hand carefully moving her hair away from her face.

"Major Carter – come, let me help you." It was Teal'c, and this time his voice sounded sad – sad and gentle.

"You can't", she whispered. "Nobody can."

"You must not lie on the floor. Let me at least help you to stand."

After a second she nodded, and allowed Teal'c to help her sit up and then to stand. He immediately let her to her chair and then pulled up his own and sat beside her. "Here", he handed her a tissue and waited patiently while she continued to cry. He placed his arm around her and pulled her to him so that her head was resting on his shoulder.

It felt so good to finally have someone hold her, she thought, and someone to lean on. She'd felt so lost, so alone. She'd thought about telling Janet, but for some reason just couldn't confide in her. For one thing, it had been Janet's words that had got this while thing started. And, although she knew her friend had meant well, there was a tiny place inside her that didn't want to forgive the doctor for interfering.

"I am sorry Major Carter", Teal'c said a moment later. "I have hurt you and I was cruel."

"It's okay Teal'c", she sniffed.

"It is not. I owed you loyalty and understanding not anger and suspicion. You would be right not to forgive me, although I hope you shall."

"Of course", she nodded. She tried to sit up and fortunately Teal'c helped her. Her crying had just about stopped, although she knew it wouldn't take much to get started again. She sniffed again – and Teal'c handed her another tissue.

"I'm sorry", she said after a moment. "I'm sure a crying woman is the last thing you need."

"I do not mind. I am honored that you would let me try and comfort you", he said seriously.

She giggled at that. "I can't think of anyone I'd _rather _have comfort me Teal'c. You're very – solid and – comforting."

He nodded and actually grinned –something she hadn't seen for a long time. "We are a pair Samantha Carter", he told her. "Often much too stubborn for our own good."

She snorted. "Isn't that the truth! The only person I know who is worse is -" she stopped and looked at him with stricken eyes.

"O'Neill", he finished softly "You are correct. He is as stubborn as a Chulakian Me'mur."

"I don't know what that is", she hiccupped, "but I'm sure it describes the Colonel perfectly."

"It does", Teal'c nodded, this time with a twinkle in his eye. "Samantha", he said after a minute, "I know I have not been a good friend to you recently, but I would change that now. If there is anything I can do to assist you – or even if you simply need someone to listen to you – I am here."

"Thank you", she smiled and leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. "You don't know how much that means to me." The two of them sat quietly for many minutes until Sam spoke again. "God Teal'c, I miss him so much!"

"I know you do", Teal'c agreed. "I shall speak with him and tell him he is being foolish!"

"No", she whispered. "No, you can't Teal'c. I have to respect his decision. If I was to try and get around how he feels - he might give in, but he would resent it and it _would_ destroy us. So all I can do is let him go."

"He is a fool!"

"No, he's a man who has been hurt almost beyond bearing. He is a man who is lost and afraid but who is determined to find himself. He _does_ need his friends Teal'c – he needs you and Daniel and Janet and – everyone. I am the only one who can't be there for him because it would bring him too much pain. So please – go to him. Let him know he is loved and be there for him. That is the best way you can help him – and me."

Teal'c regarded her for a few more seconds and then he nodded and leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "Do not worry. I shall watch over O'Neill, as shall all of us. But we shall also be here for you Major Carter. We are your friends too."

Teal'c told Daniel a bit of what had occurred with Carter and O'Neill and warned him to go easy on her. "She loves him very much Daniel Jackson, and is hurting. Be kind to her.

It soon got around the SGC that Sam Carter was hurting and sad, although few knew all the details. But everyone, from the General to the kitchen assistant rallied around her and offered their support.

Sam wanted to tell them that nothing they could do would help how she felt – but the fact was, it _did_ help to have the friendship and loyalty and love of the people she worked with. So, for their sakes as well as her own, she put aside her sad demeanor and began to live again.

* * *

><p>Jack too had realized he was allowing his misery and sadness to control his life and he was being awful to his friends, but had been in too deep a black cloud to really care. It was Tealc' who finally managed to get through to him and make him understand he was being selfish and stupid.<p>

"You must cease this O'Neill", his large friend told him one day as he was visiting.

Jack's eyes slowly moved towards his friend. "Cease _what_ Teal'c? I'm just sitting here relaxing."

"You are not", Teal'c disagreed. "You are sulking and feeling sorry for yourself. It is time you decided that you must get on with your life rather than wallowing in self-pity."

Jack stared at him and then laughed. "Wow – you sound like you could be on an afternoon psychology show. And anyway, why should I get on with my life as you say Teal'c? What do I have to look forward to? If I want to wallow in self-pity, who are you to try and stop me or to condemn me?"

"I am your friend, as are many others, and we hurt to see you hurt. But I also know that you have much ahead of you to live for. Your life will be different, but it can be good. It is up to you to choose. Samantha has chosen to move forward, even though she too is hurting. You can do no less."

Jack looked at his friend in shock, suddenly realizing that he knew about Sam and what had happened. He sat frozen, not sure whether to be angry or hurt – or comforted, by the thought that Sam was moving on.

But it was your fault she was going on without you, he said to himself. It was your choice, so you can't resent the thought that she was getting on with her life. He allowed himself a moment to grieve and then he sat up and took a deep breath. He thought about what Teal'c had told him, knowing that his friend was right. In fact, he'd known all along that he couldn't continue in the morass of pain and regret in which he was existing and that it was time to pick himself up and go on.

He sighed. "I guess now's the time", he said to himself. He thought once more about Sam and then let out a long, slow breath. He'd refused her love and had chosen to go on without her so he had to stop thinking about her. Instead he too had to move forward.

* * *

><p>That evening he'd joined Sarah and Kurt at dinner and from then on he'd forced himself to look forward, not back.<p>

The next day Dr. Ibrahim had met him for his session and he'd found a very different Jack. The Colonel had looked at him and then looked down.

"So, I guess if I'm going to get better I need to talk about things", he'd murmured.

"Ah – It helps", the Doc had answered, sounding surprised. "Remember Jack, it's totally up to you what you want to talk about. I won't force you into anything but I do agree that opening up often helps people who've been through traumatic events."

"Traumatic events", Jack stared as if he was looking at something far away. "Yeah, I guess you could call what I went through a traumatic event", he gave a crooked smile. He took a deep breath and turned towards the doctor. "Okay, so here it goes. I told you I was kept like an animal? Well, that wasn't all. There was lots of – other stuff", he stopped and swallowed. "Lot's of pain and – they did things, forced _me_ to do things that – that I have trouble living with."

That first day was one of the hardest. He had felt physically sick during his narration of events – sick and ashamed. Even though he consciously knew nothing that had been done to him was his fault, he couldn't help but feel like it was. And it had almost been harder to talk about the humiliation than the physical pain that he'd suffered.

He tried to tell himself that he was feeling better because of the therapy – that talking about things really _did_ make them easier to deal with. But the reality was it was a slow, painstaking process and it was going to take a long time before he could truly leave behind the agony of the last year.

The Doctor warned him not to expect miracles, but after all that he'd done and experienced during his years planet hopping, he had been hoping for at least one or two. He really wanted Thor to pop in and put him in a pod and _zap_ he'd be all better.

But it wasn't going to happen, so instead he kept going for therapy, kept reliving the torture, and kept believing, deep in his soul, that he was still Surebu.

Then came his move to a new place with a new roommate. As he stepped out of the Center for the last time, he turned around and looked at the place that had given him the ability to start to heal. He thought about the people who were here, the staff and the residents, and knew he would always be grateful for them.

He said a silent goodbye, then turned to Daniel and smiled. "Okay, let's go."

His friends in Colorado Springs had offered to help him move. Daniel had driven him down to his house and he'd supervised and helped pack boxes. It was difficult – there were a lot of memories tied up in this house – but he knew it was time to leave. At least he wasn't selling the place yet. He'd rented it out to a young officer and his family. He was going to be posted at NORAD and needed a place to live.

Jack was glad there would be children in the place. It made leaving just a little bit easier.

By the end of the day everything he was taking with him was packed in the UHAUL and everything else was to be picked up and taken to a storage locker he'd rented. He'd left a few things for the new tenants and was ready to go. He said a last goodbye to his house and then he, Daniel and Teal'c headed back towards Denver.

His friends stayed that night at a hotel while he spent his last night at the Center. The next day they picked him up and headed to his new place. Kurt was being brought over later in the Center's van. Jack realized he'd have to look into getting a vehicle that was easy for Kurt to get in and out of. He wondered briefly if he was yet up to driving.

"Here we go", Daniel said, pulling into the parking spot and turning off the ignition. "They said the truck should get here by eight."

The rest of the day was spent supervising and directing the movers where to put his things. He grimaced when he looked at all the boxes and thought about having to unpack. Oh well, it would keep him busy.

By the end of the day they were all exhausted, but at least their bedroom furniture was up and a few things had been put away in the kitchen. Kurt's room was set up so that he could easily get around and get himself in and out of bed. All in all, it had been a productive day.

"Pizza?" asked Daniel, collapsing onto the couch.

"Uh – how about something different", Jack suggested. "I'm sick of pizza."

"I would enjoy eating Chinese, O'Neill", Teal'c intoned from his relaxed position on the recliner.

"I don't think the Chinese would like that all that much Teal'c", Daniel murmured.

"You are attempting to be humerous Daniel Jackson", Teal'c pointed out.

"Yeah", Daniel replied.

"Do not."

Jack laughed as he watched his two friends. He was feeling remarkably relaxed and – he didn't want to say happy – but at least he wasn't feeling depressed. It was great to have his own place once again, even if it was just rented. It was also great to see the smiles on Kurt's face.

"So, what are you going to do with yourselves now", Daniel asked once they'd ordered their dinner.

"I expect they shall get into mischief", Teal'c murmured, half asleep in his chair.

"Us?" O'Neill answered, looking innocent. "We're not going to get into mischief, are we Kurt?"

"Of course not", the young man laughed. "At least _I'm _not. I don't know about Jack."

"Yeah – you gotta watch him. He's trouble!"

They four men laughed and chatted over their dinner and then it was time for Daniel and Teal'c to head back to Colorado Springs. Jack felt a twinge of sadness as they left. It wasn't that he would never see them again, because he knew they'd keep in touch. But he also knew that their lives were going in different directions now, and as he got back on his feet, both figuratively and literally, he knew that their friendship would take a different form.

"They're great guys", Kurt said softly from his spot in the living room.

Jack walked back slowly and lowered himself to the couch. "The best."

"You're going to miss them", the young man said, looking seriously at his friend.

"Yeah – we had lots of adventures together. I'm going to miss that too."

* * *

><p>The next week was a flurry of getting settled and figuring out how to get around to shop and run errands. He arranged for Kurt to have an account with the local handicap bus company so he could get to appointments when he needed to.<p>

He still had his truck – it was at Daniel's place – and he decided that it was time to trade it in on something he could drive and that would accommodate Kurt's chair. He wasn't quite ready to start driving, but he began to look at his options, knowing that life would be much simpler once he had more freedom to get around.

Soon life re-established itself and his days developed a pattern. He still was going to therapy three times a week and that took up a lot of his time. But he knew he had to find something else to do – something to keep his mind and body occupied and keep him from falling into a dark depression. He recognized how easy that would be to have happen – he was skating on the edge of it most of the time.

An idea came to him one day while he was waiting for his appointment with Doc Ibrahim. He was now meeting him at his downtown office and had gotten there a bit early. While waiting he'd wandered to the bulletin board and was reading some of the postings there.

One of the things he saw was for a part-time job at a local youth shelter. They required someone who had worked with young people. He laughed when he thought of all those raw young recruits he'd worked with over the years and at that moment it hit him. This was something he could do. He quickly wrote the information on a piece of paper and stuck it in his pocket

When he got back home after his appointment he grabbed himself a beer and his laptop and lay down on the couch. He always came home tired and miserable after one of his sessions, thinking dark thoughts and remembering the horrors of his time with Raijin. Today, rather than turning on the TV to try and get his mind off of everything, he instead turned on his computer and looked up the youth shelter.

Two hours later he had sent in a cover letter and his newly – and much abridged -resume. He didn't expect he'd get a call, but it had given him an idea and he was going to pursue it. Maybe there was something out there he could still do. Maybe he would still matter to somebody.


	20. Dear Jack

"Let's get back to the Gate folks. There's nothing to see here."

"But Major, what about the ruins? I haven't had time to finish looking at everything."

Sam glanced at Dr. Jeremy Etherington, the scientist on her team, and sighed – then she laughed at herself. God, she was becoming more like Colonel O'Neill every day.

"You've taken lots of pictures Jeremy. You can study those when we get back. You said yourself this is a Goa'uld slave camp and not more than 70 or 80 years old. There's nothing left here that's going to help us."

"No, but there might be some interesting archaeological findings", he argued. "There were some drawings on one -"

"Dr. Etherington, please. I've given my orders and I expect them to be obeyed. Pack up your things and we're heading back."

Captain Emma Vasquez grinned. It was rare to see the Major get impatient, but then Jeremy could try the patience of a saint. "I'm ready to go Ma'am", she told the Major.

"Good. Vasquez find Perry and the two of you head to the Gate and get ready to dial out. I'll wait here for Jeremy."

"Yes Major."

Sam watched as the Captain headed out to find Lieutenant Perry. He was the youngest member of her team and had been sent to check soil samples. It was clear that naquada had been mined here, but all evidence pointed to the fact that it had pretty much been cleared out and that the Goa'uld had packed up and left as a result. She had sent Perry to double check and confirm her theory.

Sam had been given her own team two months ago and they were still finding their ways together. Overall she was very pleased with her teammates. Captain Vasquez was her 2IC and was both competent and smart. She was also straightforward and kept calm no matter what was going on around them. Sam had really come to value her and was relying on her judgment more and more.

James Perry was young – this was his first major assignment – but he was smart, eager and wanting to prove himself. Sam found herself reminded of a young Daniel Jackson every time she saw Perry in action. She liked him and trusted him, although she also watched out for him as did Vasquez.

Jeremy Etherington was the one she struggled with the most. He was smart – too smart she sometimes thought – and had a slight tendency towards arrogance. Again she thought of the Colonel and his dislike of scientists. Jeremy was the exactly the kind that Jack detested.

But if you ignored his arrogance, underneath she could see a good person. She was starting to understand that this attitude was caused as much by the fact that he was unsure of himself, as by the fact that he thought he was always right. She knew he sometimes needed his bubble popped, but he also needed praise and encouragement. She figured he would soon settle into the team.

"Ready Major", Jeremy said happily.

That was one thing she liked about him, Sam realized. Even when she reprimanded him, or when he didn't get his way, he never pouted, but rather accepted it and moved on. That she could respect.

"Let's go then. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to get home and relax." It had been a busy few weeks and all of them were tired. They all had a week's leave coming and Sam was looking forward to it for once.

"Yeah – I have a couple of good books I've been waiting to read", Jeremy told her as he hoisted his pack and stepped in beside her.

"Textbooks?" she asked, thinking of Daniel and all of his hefty tomes

"Nah", Jeremy laughed. "I get enough of those at work. I'm reading a mystery series", he told her. "I'm going to wear nothing but sweats, eat pizza and read."

"Sounds heavenly", Sam laughed. Yes, she was really getting to like Etherington.

She hadn't been quite sure what to think or feel when Hammond had informed her she was getting her own team. Part of her felt proud, knowing she'd finally made it. She was excited about the opportunity – although a little scared at the same time. But along with those feelings was an overwhelming feeling of sadness. The days of Sg1 and all they'd meant to one another were gone.

She'd reconnected with Teal'c and Daniel – who'd both forgiven her and who had been nothing but supportive. But without Jack, the team dynamic was gone. And Sam was pretty sure the General knew there were just too many emotional barriers to overcome to make them an effective team once again.

Daniel had been assigned to Ferretti's team and said it was okay. There was a period of adjustment and he'd complained a bit, but now seemed to be settling in. She'd heard that he'd gone out to his first team night with his new teammates – and came in the next morning looking slightly hung over.

Teal'c had decided to go back part-time to help Bratak and his fellow free Jaffa in their continuing fight against the Goa'uld. He didn't give up Earth completely however, and would spend occasional weeks helping at the SGC or on some missions.

Things had changed and were moving forward. The SGC kept running efficiently and they continued to have victories against the Goa'uld. The General had complimented her on her team's performance, Daniel was starting to look slightly happier and Teal'c was back to being her friend.

She had nothing to complain about – except for the fact that she still felt as if her heart was ripped in two. And there was also the fact that there was a huge hole – in her life and in the SGC – where Jack O'Neill used to reside.

She knew it wasn't just her. Daniel and Teal'c missed him horribly, as did General Hammond and a large group of people at the base. Even though things had gone on, the spirit that had been there before had left with O'Neill. She knew the General certainly felt it – and also felt the loss of his 2IC. So far he hadn't named a successor to that position, which made Sam realize how much the General had cared for and relied upon O'Neill.

She got home that evening and immediately donned comfortable clothes. She grabbed a snack from her kitchen and made her way to the living room where she lit the fire and turned on some music.

It was strange, she thought as she sat there looking at the fire, how lonely she was feeling. She'd lived by herself for years. A night like tonight wasn't unusual, but for some reason it felt different. And she knew why. Before, when she'd been alone she'd had the next day, the next mission to look forward to. She had known she'd see the Colonel and she would spend most of her days with him. She also knew he was close – his house only a few minutes drive from hers. Many times she had imagined him sitting on his couch, watching the latest hockey game, a bottle of Guinness in front of him.

She _missed_ him – more terribly than she thought possible. Time wasn't making it better – in fact she felt worse with each passing day. She didn't know quite what to do about it either.

She'd thought, numerous times, about going up to Denver and confronting him again, but that plan usually left after rational thought. There was no way she could pressure him, not when she knew how obstinate and determined he was. Once Jack made up his mind it was hard to change it.

She knew he was doing somewhat better, that he had his own place and was keeping up with his therapy. All of these things she'd gotten from Daniel. But that was all she knew. She couldn't ask – didn't _want_ to ask any details. It made her sound too desperate and she knew that her friends would worry about her. She also told herself that the best way of getting over him was not to think about him.

She laughed softly. Right, as if she _could_ stop thinking of him. He filled her thoughts all the time. Every mission she went on she wondered what he would do. Every time Etherington begged to stay for one more look at a ruin she would remember Jack and his teasing of Daniel. Each time she sat in the briefing room, going over missions with the General, she'd look to his chair – _his_ chair, now occupied by someone else.

He was such a fool, she thought for the hundredth time. He had made the decision to not accept her love, thinking that it would destroy her. Instead, his rejection had just about done that.

"Who are you Sam?" she asked suddenly, staring into the flames. "Why the hell did you let him get away with that? Why didn't you fight for him?"

Because you were used to following his orders, the fire seemed to answer back. Because you still weren't 100 percent sure that it was right to give up your career for love. Because you weren't sure if you were what he needed, after all he had been through. Because – hell, because you were afraid.

So what was she going to do about it? Was she going to sit on her ass and let him make the decision for both of them? Was she going to let him destroy both their lives out of some misplaced sense of honor?

She didn't think that going to see him would work, or that it would be a good idea. He was still dealing with the torture he'd undergone and was trying to put his life back together. He needed space and time for that. But that didn't mean she couldn't still be a presence in his life. He needed to know she wasn't going anywhere, that she was his friend and that she loved him.

Suddenly she knew what to do. She stood up quickly and went into the 2nd bedroom, which she used as an office. After searching for a few minutes she found what she was looking for and returned to her living room. She got comfortable on her couch, her legs up and her back propped up with pillows. She took the pen and paper she'd collected, and began to write.

_Dear Jack,_


	21. Still Loved

_**Thank you as always for the wonderful reviews! This is for those of you who thought I let Sam give up too easily!**_

"I'm heading out now", Jack called, as loudly as he could, as he put on his jacket. It was getting chilly out as the days got shorter. Soon it would be winter and he wasn't looking forward to that at all. Getting around in the snow was going to be more difficult for him now.

"Okay. I'm over at Eric's studying tonight", Kurt answered, wheeling his way into the living room.

"Need a ride home?"

"Nah – Eric has a van – says he'll drive me."

"Okay, have fun." Jack limped out of the condo and towards his car. He had a full-day shift today and wanted to get in a bit early. It still took him longer than most people to walk from where he could park to the youth center.

He'd been working there for almost a month now and found it difficult but rewarding. He was starting to connect with some of the street youth and that made it more enjoyable. But it had taken time – they didn't trust easily – and at first had done everything they could to send him away.

Barry Gold, the Center Director, had warned him that they'd test him and try to get him to leave. "They need to know that the adults around them will stay regardless of what they pull – they're used to being deserted or kicked out of places when the adults around them get tired of them. It takes them a while to trust and you have to prove that you're not just here for the short term or to make yourself feel good. They need stability and people then can count on."

Jack nodded, understanding that. He knew what it was to have to learn to trust again and how hard it could be. He'd also dealt with enough recruits who'd been foster kids or from dysfunctional families to understand where many of these kids were coming from.

Well, no one would ever accuse him of being anything other than obstinate. And anyway, there wasn't anything these kids could throw at him that even came close to what he'd experienced in his life. A few sarcastic comments, a few swear words – hell, even the ones who told him point blank to leave them alone didn't faze him. He was here to stay.

And things _had_ gotten better with at least some of the kids. They were still leery of him, but were beginning to trust that he wasn't going anywhere. The first sign of it had been when one of them had come out and asked him what had happened to him. He'd debated making something up, or making light of his injuries, but in the end figured if anyone needed the truth, it was these kids. So he'd told them.

"I was a soldier", he said, "and I was captured by the enemy and held for months. I was tortured and almost died but my team finally got me out."

The expressions on some of the young people's faces were priceless. A number of them looked shocked, a couple worked hard to appear as if they didn't care and a few of them looked totally skeptical.

"Yeah right", Denny Johnson, one of the toughest of the kids, said, and then spit onto he ground to show his contempt. "And who was this _enemy_?" he asked. "

"It was a top secret mission", Jack answered calmly, "so I can't give any details."

"_Right_!" Denny laughed. "Top secret! I bet you got drunk and smashed your car and _that's_ how you got to be a cripple. Either that or you caught your old lady sleepin' around and tried to kill the guy – but he fought back!"

A couple of the kids laughed and Jack just looked at them. He could let this go, and the rumors would start, or he could deal with it now. He sighed. He really didn't want to do that.

He began to unbutton his shirt, and some of the kids started to look a bit scared. He gave a brief smile and then pulled his shirt away. "This here", he pointed down, "is the brand they gave me with a hot iron", he said calmly, although inside he felt sick. It was something he hadn't even talked about to the Doc yet – he felt humiliated by it. By the looks the kids were giving him, however, he was getting through to them.

Next he held up his hands. "See these scars? These are where they nailed my hands to a board – that was because I tried to kill myself when I couldn't take the pain anymore. They left me there for a couple of days so I'd get the message. I did. Unfortunately, as you've seen, it's damaged my hands so yes, I'm a cripple. And the reason I talk softly is they stuck something down my throat and injured my vocal chords." He looked around at the very white faces of most of the kids – kids who had just about seen everything on the streets. "I don't think I need to show you any more, do I?" he asked gently. The shakes of the heads told him he'd done enough. He rebuttoned his shirt.

"So no, I didn't get into a car accident, and I didn't get beaten up by some fictional lover of a wife I don't have. I told you the truth. I was on a top-secret mission and got captured. Because of that I had to retire from the Air Force. And rather than sit around home and feel sorry for myself, I decided to do something."

"So you thought you'd come and show off to a bunch of stupid kids, is that it?" It was Denny, again, obviously trying to save face after his comments earlier.

"Show off? How have I shown off? Someone asked me what happened and I told the truth. You were the one who basically called me a liar. The only reason I'm here is because I spent years training recruits and thought that some of my experience might be useful for you guys."

"We're not recruits", Manolo said belligerently. He was a young man who'd already been in trouble with the law and, as far as Jack could see, was headed towards a bad end – unless someone could turn him around. His father had been killed in a gang fight and his mother was on her fourth or fifth man. The latest "step-father" had beaten him up a couple of times and he'd left and was now living on the streets.

"No, you're not", Jack agreed. "But you are young men and women on the verge of adulthood and it helps to have someone who can be there to offer help and support. It's up to you if you'll accept it. I'm not forcing anything on you."

"What did you do in the Air Force?" someone asked.

"I was a Colonel before I retired."

"No shit! A Colonel. Wow – that's pretty high up there ain't it?" Marco Ramirez was one of the newer kids to come to the Center. He tried to pretend he was tough, but Jack could see the fear in the poor kid's eyes. "Did you get to tell a lot of people what to do?"

Jack smiled. "I tried. I had a small team – although I was also second in command of the base where I served."

"But what did you do? Did you go off to Iraq and places like that to fight the bad guys?"

"I was in Iraq, but that was a long time ago. Lately I've been based here – and worked on deep space radio telemetry", he held up his hand. "And before you ask, that's basically watching to make sure there aren't any aliens trying to sneak up on us."

There were a lot of oohs and aahs at that – the kids all thought the idea of fighting aliens was pretty cool. Jack had to laugh. Most people he told that line to thought his job must have been incredibly boring.

"But if you were stationed here, how did you get hurt?" It was Stella who asked. She was a young girl of 17 with bleach blond hair and a variety of piercings and tattoos. She also liked to pretend to be tough, but Jack was pretty sure she was just a scared young woman who didn't yet know her place in the world.

"I was sent on a special mission", he told her. "Sorry I can't give any details."

"How long were you a prisoner?" someone else asked.

He sighed and looked down. After a moment he lifted his head. "Way too long – months. I almost didn't make it."

"How did you?" It was Mali who asked. She was a quiet girl – shy and sweet. Her mother had remarried and she had been abused by the new husband. Rather than believe her daughter, the mother had accused her of seducing him and had kicked her out. She was staying with friends although Barry was trying to find her a family. Jack hated the thought that she'd end up in the system because she was a person he thought had huge potential. She was smart and talented and had been given a terrible deal in life.

"How did I make it?" he asked. "Sometimes I don't know", he admitted. "There were lots of times I didn't _want_ to because of the pain and the injuries – but mostly because of the memories." He stopped and looked at all the faces staring at him and wondered if he'd made a mistake in telling them his story. "But – then I realize what a gift life is and that there is so much out there yet for me to discover. And my friends stayed with me and wouldn't let me give up." He grinned slightly. "They loved me and bullied me and got mad at me – but they kept me going."

"Are they still around?" one young boy asked.

"Oh yeah – they're still around. Most of them live in Colorado Springs – that's where I was based – but they come and visit me and sometimes I go down and see them."

"You're not married?" Sanchia, the youngest of their troop asked. She was the romantic of the group – convinced that one day her Romeo would come and take her away from the streets.

"No – I was once, long time ago, but we got divorced."

"And you don't have a girlfriend?" she asked, sounding sad.

"Afraid not", he shook his head, refusing to acknowledge the pang and the realization that he _could_ have had someone in his life.

"That's too bad", Sanchia told him. "She would help you get better. It's good to have someone love you, especially when you're hurt."

God – out of the mouths of babes! "Yes, well I rely on my friends and that works", he smiled.

"And he's too old anyway", Jorge shouted. Everyone laughed and Jack raised his eyebrow.

"One day you will realize how utterly ridiculous _that_ is", he told the cheeky young man. "No one is _ever_ too old for love."

"Oooh", Tyrone made a gagging sound. "Old people's sex – yuch!"

Jack snorted. "Oh, how little you know Tyrone." He looked around at the group who were now laughing and talking. He went to stand up, but his legs had grown stiff from sitting so long and he stumbled. And arm came out and steadied him and he looked up into the eyes of Marco, who had helped him.

"Thanks", he smiled.

Marco looked down and then up quickly. "Uh – did you fly planes?" he asked softly.

"I did. It's the reason I went into the Air Force."

"Was it fun?"

Jack grinned. "It was a lot of work – but yes, it was amazing. One of the most fun things in the world." He regarded the young man carefully. "Would you like to learn how to fly planes?"

Marco shrugged. "Sure, but ain't never gonna happen. You have to be smart and rich."

"Well, you do have to be smart – certainly to learn to fly jets – but rich – not so much. I wasn't rich and I got to do it."

"Yeah, they wouldn't take me", he scoffed, although Jack could see the look in his eyes, which said he really was interested in flying planes.

"Do you have your diploma?" he asked.

"Nah – didn't finish school. It was a waste of time."

That was the line a lot of them used – and in their lives it probably seemed that way. But it was one of the most important things they could so – finish school and get an education. Jack looked closely at the young man. "If you do – if you go back and get your GED – I could help you get into the Academy and learn to fly."

For a moment Marco looked interested, but then his face fell. He'd been given promises too many times by the adults in his life and usually they didn't happen. "Nah – I've got better things to do."

"Such as?" Jack asked seriously. He worked hard to appear respectful and like he wasn't' discounting the young man – he didn't want Marco to write him off as another do-gooder who wasn't going to follow through.

"Hangin' around", he answered.

"Hanging around? And you think that's more fun than learning to fly jets?"

"I guess", Marco shrugged.

"Okay – well, if you ever change your mind, let me know – or let Barry know. Either one of us can help you get your GED. And like I said, once you have that I can help you apply." He grinned at the young man and leaned forward. "I have connections!"

Marco looked torn, and Jack was determined to help this man in whatever way he could. But he knew he couldn't push. These kids were scared and he was going to have to be subtle if he wanted to help them.

As he left for home he thought again about Marco and the other kids. He hated what had been done to them, and what they'd experienced and just wished there was more he could do.

He suddenly had an idea, but he'd have to run it by George first and then Barry. He wondered which of the kids would like to try flying in a jet.

He got home after 6 o'clock, exhausted after the long day. His therapist told him not to push things as he was still recuperating, but he hated being stuck at home. When he was alone all he did was get depressed – thinking about all he'd lost, especially _whom_ he'd lost.

"You didn't lose her Jack", he told himself, "you pushed her away."

Every once in a while he wondered if he'd made a huge mistake, but then he'd have a nightmare, or he'd be faced with the reality of his physical condition, and he'd know he had no other choice. Sam did not need half a man.

He grabbed his mail from the box outside his door and slowly made his way inside. He was hungry but didn't really feel up to cooking. He didn't want to order in either, so decided to see if there were any leftovers.

"Yeah right", he muttered. With Kurt around it was hard to keep anything in the fridge. He'd forgotten the appetites of young men.

In the end he opted for a simple sandwich and a few raw carrots. He poured himself a glass of juice and made his way to the living room, glass balanced precariously on his plate. Maybe he'd see what was on TV.

As he passed the hall table he remembered his mail and grabbed it and took it with him. Sitting down he flipped through the envelopes – bills and advertisements mostly.

The very last envelope was different. It was addressed to him in handwriting and at first he wondered who it could be from. But then he recognized the writing.

He could feel his heart start to speed up and felt strangely weak. Why would Sam be writing him a letter?

He had a horrible feeling that it was something bad. He closed his eyes, praying that she wasn't going to tell him she'd found someone else and had moved on. The unselfish part of him knew that that would be the best thing for her – the rest of him admitted it would kill him.

He sat staring at it for a long time, his appetite disappearing and the sandwich sitting uneaten. Finally, knowing he couldn't leave it, he ripped it open and took out the letter.

His eyes closed and he took a number of breaths – the Doc kept telling him to do that to deal with his ongoing stress. After a few seconds he opened his eyes – it hadn't helped. He still felt like running away, or passing out, he wasn't quite sure which.

"Move your ass O'Neill", he finally muttered. He opened the letter and with another big breath and a small prayer, began to read.

_Dear Jack,_

_You are probably wondering why I am writing to you. Don't worry, it's nothing bad, at least I hope you don't think so, although feel free to tear this up now if you'd rather not read it._

_Since that day we said goodbye I've done nothing but think about you. I miss you more than you can know, but I also respect your decision to walk away from the possibility of us, even if I don't agree with it. I know what you've been through and that you feel you need time to focus on yourself and to heal. _

_I will always believe that healing is better done with the support of someone who loves you, but again, I respect your decision and won't try and contact you. However, the more I've thought about it, the more I believe it is wrong for us to cut ourselves off completely from one another. Whatever has happened, or in our case not happened, we have been friends and comrades for many years. You are a very important part of my life and have helped me become the person I am today. I don't want to lose you – even if all we can be to each other are friends from a distance._

_So, I have decided that I refuse to stay cut off from you. Of course you can decide not to read my letters and toss them in the garbage, but I will continue to write and tell you about my life. I would love to have you do the same, but will understand if you choose not to do so. Regardless of whether I hear from you, I will send you these letters – unless, of course, you tell me to stop._

_So, I thought I'd start by telling you about how things are going here on base. General Hammond decided to put me in charge of my own team. I am now officially the leader of Sg11. My 2IC is Captain Emma Vasquez and she is young (at least younger than me), very smart and very capable. At first she was rather stiff, but I think that was because she was worried about proving herself. All of us have something of a reputation you know – since we were the first team through the Gate. I didn't realize how intimidating that could be but Vasquez is getting over that and is becoming invaluable to me and to the team. She'll make a great leader one day._

_The second member of my team is Lieutenant James Perry. James is also young but eager and also smart. In some ways he reminds of Daniel when we first started. He sometimes leaps before he looks and is very earnest and has strong ideals. He too is starting to become more comfortable and he will do well, I think._

_The final member is Dr. Jeremy Etherington. Yes, I have a scientist on my team (I know you're probably laughing right now) and I hate to say this Jack, but I've found him somewhat hard to take. He can be very narrow minded and arrogant, although I believe he has a good heart. Some of his arrogance lies in his insecurities – at least that's what I think. He's starting to fit in better now, although there are still times I want to scream. I am definitely starting to feel more sympathetic towards your attitude about scientists._

_It's very strange, but I must admit to having mixed feelings about getting my own team. On the one hand I was proud that the General thought I was ready – but most of me was just sad. I'd give anything to have our old team back. As good as my teammates are (and they'll soon be even better) there will never be anything like Sg1. And can I tell you how much I miss you? You made going through the Gate meaningful and __**fun**_**. **_I guess it's still meaningful, but all the fun is now gone._

_But enough depressing stuff. I spent the weekend with Janet and Cassie. We shopped for a dress for Cassie's eighth grade prom (since when did they start doing that?). She is a power shopper and by the end of the day I was more exhausted than I have ever been on a mission. I'd much prefer some of the places we've been to the mall! And Janet is by far worse than any commander I've ever had. She takes no prisoners._

_Daniel and T and I make a point of going out whenever T is in town. As you know he's commuting back and forth between his home and us. I think he's enjoying being able to spend more time with his son, although I miss having him around all the time. Daniel is – well Daniel. I don't know what I'd do without him, although there are days I __**really**__wish I could. He's enough to drive a saint to drink and has only gotten worse since you've left. He really misses you, you know. I think in many ways you were both the father and brother he never had._

_Okay – so I'm getting maudlin again. I'll try and stop it. Oh, I should tell you that my Dad is coming in a week for a visit. He's taking some time off since he's had a busy few months. He wants to visit you – says he has some new health products that he thinks will be good for you. He got something from our little friend Mr. Gray. I don't know what it is, but Dad says it'll probably do you some good._

_I guess I'd better go now – I have an early morning mission. I hope you are well Jack – and that you are enjoying life and feeling better. I'd love to hear from you, but again, I'll understand if you'd rather not write._

_Take care. I miss you._

_Sam_

Jack stared at the piece of paper in his hand for a long time, not noticing when the room grew dark. It was only when the door opened and Kurt rolled in that he started and lifted his head.

"What the - , how come you're sitting in the dark?" the younger man asked, moving over and flicking on the light switch. "Hey – you okay?"

"Uh – yeah, I'm fine", Jack said softly. His throat felt like it had seized up again and he had trouble getting the words out. It still did that during times of stress. He took a deep breath and then coughed. "Really, I'm fine", he repeated to a skeptical looking Kurt.

"Right – fine. That's why you're paper white and are having trouble talking." He then glanced over at the dried sandwich. "And you didn't eat. What's going on Jack?"

The two had become friends over the last few months and could say things to one another that it was difficult for others to say. They each understood the wounds the other carried, whether physical or emotional.

"Just – got a letter", he whispered.

"Bad news?" Kurt frowned and moved his chair closer to where Jack was sitting.

"No – no, nothing like that. It's from – a friend. Someone I didn't think I'd ever hear from again. It kind of – surprised me."

"In a good way?" Kurt pushed. He suddenly had an idea what this was about, although he wasn't going to pry too hard. Jack deserved his privacy, although he wasn't about to let him suffer needlessly.

"I – don't know", Jack admitted. "I was just learning to – deal with not seeing – uh – this person again and now -"

"And now it's brought everything back to the surface again?"

"Yeah", Jack's mouth curled up in a lop-sided smile. "But part of me is – glad."

"Because this person is still your – friend?"

Jack glanced up quickly, his face in a frown, at the way Kurt had said friend. He sighed then, figuring that the kid knew him too well.

"Yeah, she's my friend but -"

"I get it Jack", Kurt said gently, when Jack went silent. "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, okay."

"Okay", Jack nodded. He then glanced over at his sandwich and grimaced. "I think I left it too long."

"Ya think?" Kurt drawled. "How about I order us a pizza?" he said with an expectant grin.

"Sure", Jack laughed. It was a good thing he did most of the cooking otherwise they'd both end up living on a college student diet of pizza and mac and cheese.

As Kurt wheeled away to put his things away, Jack looked down at his letter once more. Suddenly he smiled. He didn't know what the hell he was going to do – whether or not to write back – but he couldn't fool himself into believing he wasn't happy that Sam hadn't forgotten him.

Even though he'd rejected it – it was nice to know he was still loved.


	22. Answering

_**Warning: this chapter contains allusions to sexual assault, although there's absolutely nothing graphic or detailed. Please be aware and don't read if this bothers you.**_

_**A short chapter tonight ….**_

Jack didn't sleep that night. Instead he lay there, staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out what to do. Every so often he'd sit up and grab her letter and reread it. He'd gotten to the point where he'd read it so many times he could practically recite it word for word.

And each time he read it he experienced the same thing. He started with a warm rush of affection and love towards this amazing woman and ended with a feeling of despair and anger.

He loved her – but he couldn't. It just wasn't possible.

He knew that his friends – although they hadn't said anything – all thought he was an idiot. Teal'c had even come out and said something. They all felt that Sam would help him heal and having her in his life was the best thing for him. While he knew they meant well, the fact was his friends didn't know the whole story.

The fact was, his experiences at the hand of the Goa'uld System Lord had left him with scars and wounds which now made a relationship impossible. He'd told Sam about the psychological scars and his need for time and space – but he hadn't told her, or anyone else, about the physical ones - and he knew he never could.

She knew, of course she did, that he had been horribly injured and that he still dealt with the consequences, and always would. But if it had only been the ones she knew about – he might have given in to his love for her and agreed to let her into his life.

But she was a young woman who deserved a full life – which included a complete man – a man who could love her and give her children. And as a result of his time with Raijin, he could do neither.

Janet knew; Janet and Doc Warner and he suspected that they'd told the General, but other than that he'd asked that no one be told. They had tried to get him to talk to a counselor but he'd refused. There was no point. It was something he would just have to live with and the sooner he acknowledged that and got on with his life, the better.

The fact that he felt a deep sense of shame and humiliation and that he felt he was no longer a real man – well, no one need know that but him. Talking to some shrink wasn't going to change that.

Dr. Warner had tried to tell him that there was still hope, but he'd said it in a way that Jack knew meant there really wasn't any, but the good doctor didn't want to come right out and say that. Jack snorted softly. He probably still believed in miracles.

Well, he knew very well there wasn't any hope and that there were no such things as miracles. It was a lesson he'd learned many years ago.

No, the fact was, he'd been too injured – both in spirit and body – and any sort of love for a woman was out.

He had never spoken of it, but he knew the doctors had figured it out based on his physical condition. For Raijin had ensured that his humiliation and torture were complete. He had blocked much of it from his mind, but there were still things he remembered – although when the memories crept in he often found himself heaving up his latest meal.

He knew, logically, that what had been done to him was not his fault and was simply another means of exercising power over him and debasing him. But no matter how often he told himself that, it didn't matter. He still felt sick and degraded and less of a man.

But sadly his scars weren't just psychological, although they probably would have been enough to keep him from having a relationship. But no – the physical damage that had been done to him had left him impotent and nothing the doctors – or Jacob – had done to try and heal him had helped.

He wondered briefly if he should have had Janet explain that to Sam. Maybe then she would have cut her losses and not told him how she felt. He laughed softly – somehow he didn't think it would have made a difference. He knew her too well.

But it did make a difference to him.

So in the end he'd done the right thing by sending her away. It was partly – mostly – for her sake, but he recognized that it was also for his own. He knew it would have been torture to see her all the time and to know that, as much as he loved her, he couldn't ever show her that.

His damn body! Of all the things he would never have expected to fail him it was that. But it had – and so he had to get on with his life and try and make something good out of it.

But what about the letter? He picked it up for the twentieth time that night and stared at it. Would it hurt to simply write to her? He wouldn't have to see her again but at least they could continue as friends.

He felt a sudden longing and knew he was on the verge of giving in. Having her in his life, even if only through her letters, was better than nothing. It wouldn't hurt – he would make sure she knew that he wasn't looking for more. But she was his _friend_ and he didn't want to lose that.

With a determined "_damn_" he got out of bed and went rummaging around the apartment. "For God's sake! Don't tell me we don't even have any god-damned paper!"

"Hey Jack", a bleary sounding Kurt called from his bedroom. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"

Jack cursed again and made his way to Kurt's doorway. "Sorry about that", he told the young man. "I was looking for some writing paper and couldn't find any."

"It's 4 o'clock in the morning", Kurt said, squinting at his IPhone.

"I know and I'm sorry. I couldn't sleep and decided to write for a bit.

Kurt yawned and nodded. "There's some in the second drawer of my desk", he said, sounding half asleep. "Write quietly, okay?"

"Thanks!" Jack said when he found the paper. "I'll be quiet, I promise."

He laughed softly when he realized that Kurt was already sound asleep. "Oh the innocent sleep of the young", Jack said as he made his way out to dining room and sat down.

He stared at the paper for a long time, wondering if he was making a huge mistake. Finally, with a shrug and a realization that he desperately wanted to maintain contact with Sam, even if only this way. "Okay Jack – this is probably the stupidest thing you're ever going to do, but you might as well get going." With that he set pen to paper.

_Dear Sam:_

_To say that I was surprised to get your letter today is an understatement. It was the last thing in the world I expected and part of me feels like I should tell you to stop – you did after all tell me you would listen if I told you that. But the fact is, it was good to hear from you. And you're right Sam – we've been colleagues and – I hope, I think – friends, for a long time. I don't have enough of those to cut myself off from you, even though if I was smart I would. Still, I guess I have it in me to be selfish._

_So yes – let's remain friends from a distance. As hard as that is – I need to know you'll still respect that I can't see you. If you are willing to continue our friendship on paper, then I will read and answer your letters._

_So – your own team! Way to go Carter, you deserve it. I can honestly say that I've never had a better 2IC in all my years in the Air Force. In fact, you were always way too smart for me and I sometimes think I actually held you back. Thank you though for saying that I taught you something. If that is the case then I am doubly proud._

_I know you'll do great! You're a natural leader – just have confidence in yourself and don't take any crap from the scientists! They'll try and confuse you with technobabble but – oh, sorry, I guess I'm talking to the wrong person. Just be confident, listen to your team but then make up your own mind based on your experience, your knowledge and your gut – usually those three will keep you on the right track._

_It sounds like you've got yourself a good team – but watch out for Etherington. People who are a combination of arrogant and insecure are some of the most dangerous teammates you can have. Watch him closely_, _and if he doesn't improve, talk to George. He understands this too. And remember Carter – this isn't just about you now. You have a responsibility for your whole team, so if he's causing trouble, don't feel guilty about reporting him. Part of being in command is making the tough decisions._

_But you know all of this so feel free to ignore all of my, probably useless, advice. And again, congratulations Major. You are gonna be a helluva team leader._

_So, you went shopping with Cassie. I've experienced that a few times and let me tell you, it's worse than coming in contact with some of our tattooed friends. She very definitely takes after her mother and takes no prisoners. Next time you see her, please give her a hug and kiss from Uncle Jack. She's growing up so fast._

_I'm glad you and the guys stay in touch. Please keep watching out for Danny for me. He needs lots of feeding and watering and care and attention to thrive. I would also suggest adding a regular dose of teasing. It keeps him from getting too focused on his books and rocks. He needs to stay in the real world. Hey, if you feel so inclined, maybe you can find him a woman. I think he needs one._

_And Teal'c – it's great he's spending more time with his son, although I miss the big guy. I think he and Danny are going to visit me the next time he's back in town. It'll be great to see the two of them again._

_So now I guess it's my turn to tell you a little about what's been going on here. You may have heard that I'm sharing a place with Kurt – the kid from the Center. He doesn't have any family close by and I figured he could keep me company, especially since I don't have Daniel around to torment._

_He's a great kid – still dealing with being in a wheelchair although he's become quite adept at getting around. I convinced him to sign up again for college. He resisted at first, but eventually he agreed to go back. He's still exploring what he wants to do, but I know he'll figure it out and do well. _

_I've also started volunteering at a youth center. I'm getting to know some kids – many of them live on the streets or come from poor families. When you see what they're going through it makes you realize how lucky you are. These kids have had to deal with a lot of stuff in their young lives and I don't know if I can do much to help, but I can at least be there for them._

_Other than that, I'm still going to physical therapy, which is almost as bad as getting poked by the Doc's needles. I'm getting around pretty well now and soon I'll be up to running a marathon – or chasing those big tattooed guys we used to torment. _

_So – that's my life and it's not bad Carter. I'm finding things to do to occupy my time and I still manage to see some of the guys from the Springs. I do miss our team though but – that's life I guess._

_Take care of yourself Sam and be careful out there! I'm proud of ya!_

_Jack._

He stared at the letter for a long time, deciding whether to send it or tear it up. In the end he put it in an envelope and left it on the table. He'd decide tomorrow. Right now he needed to go to bed and to sleep – probably to dream about his former 2IC.


	23. Letters

Of course he didn't sleep much that night. He kept thinking about the letter he'd written and whether or not he should send it. The smart part of him figured he shouldn't, that staying in touch with Sam was just keeping a wound open. He should just forget about her (as if that would ever happen) and let her go so that she could find someone else to love.

But the other part of him – the part that couldn't imagine life without her, told him to mail the damn thing. What would it hurt to correspond with her? They could stay friends from a distance.

Yeah right O'Neill, that'll help you get over her. And what happens when she writes to tell you she's found some young handsome guy and she's going to get married. _Then_ you'll have wished you didn't write back.

But would it be any different to hear of that after _not_ staying in touch? Could he really write her out of his life (no pun intended).

He eventually fell asleep when the sun was already up, no nearer to knowing what to do than when he'd started.

By the time he woke up it was late. He had to look at his watch again because he never slept that late. It had left him feeling rather groggy and out of sorts. At least that's what he was going to claim. The thought of the damn letter certainly wasn't affecting his mood.

He got up slowly – feeling stiff and sore. His hand was aching terribly as well. Writing was still difficult and he'd clearly strained it when replying to Sam.

"So there's your answer O'Neill", he told himself. Even his body was telling him he shouldn't be writing her. In fact he'd throw out the one he'd written and just send her a card telling her it wasn't a good idea, but that he wished her all the best.

"And won't _that_ be a slap in the face", he whispered. She'll hate you for that. Yes, and that's a good thing, he told his baser side. She'll get over me faster that way.

He threw on some sweats, not feeling up to showering or getting dressed. In fact he figured today was a day to stay at home, mope and feel sorry for himself. Kurt had classes in the afternoon so he could just sit around and drink beer and watch stupid sports on TV.

He wandered slowly out to the kitchen, intent on making himself a cup of coffee. He needed something to take away the crappy feeling he'd had since waking up. He admitted it was more than just tiredness, and knew that coffee wasn't going to cure his sense of hopelessness and depression.

But he was still resolved to throw the – he frowned down at the hallway table. Where was it? He looked on the floor and then pulled out the little drawer in the table. It was nowhere to be found.

He was sure he'd left it on the table but maybe he'd been imagining that. He headed into the living room and looked around. He then checked the kitchen table, the counters and eventually went back to his bedroom.

It was when he was in there that he heard the front door open. He headed back out, to see Kurt coming in.

"Hey, you're awake!" Kurt smiled at him. "You must have been up really late writing that letter."

"Uh yeah. You didn't happen to see it, did you?" Jack asked.

"Your letter? Yeah, I saw it on the table before I headed out. I was heading down to the corner so I popped it in the mail for you." At Jack's sudden frozen expression Kurt's eyes got big. "Oh God – did I do something wrong? Didn't you want to mail it?"

Jack stared at him for a second, his mind as frozen as his body. "What?" he finally croaked out a second later.

"Did I screw up Jack?" Kurt asked worriedly. "I'm really sorry – I – I don't know what to do."

"No – no, that's okay." Jack swallowed and took a sudden deep breath. He felt almost as if he'd been under water for a few minutes there. "No, it's alright. I just – it's okay", he repeated, not sure what else to say.

Kurt continued to look at him in concern. It was no wonder, he thought. He had felt the blood leave his face when he realized that she would get his letter. Oh my God. She was going to get the letter.

Instantly his heart sped up and he felt a surge of – of something. It took him a while to identify, but then he realized what it was. He was _glad_. He was happy it had been sent. It wasn't his choice – he'd planned to be selfless, to do what was right, to let her go – but fate, in the form of Kurt, had intervened.

"It's okay", he said again, but this time with a tiny smile. "Hey, I'm hungry. How do you feel about going out for some pancakes?"

Kurt looked at him carefully for a moment, but whatever he saw on the older man's face must have reassured him, because he smiled. "Sounds great!"

Sam refused to hurry to her mailbox. She refused to rush home after work to see if she had mail. If he wrote, well then good. If he didn't – life would go on. She was _not_ about to let one stubborn, ridiculous, thick-headed, obstinate, _stupid_ ex-Colonel destroy her life by not writing back to her.

In fact, today she'd decided she was going to fix herself dinner and relax before bothering to even check her mail. Her life did _not_ revolve around Jack O'Neill. Nope, she was going to sit here and enjoy her – she had to look down to remember what she'd fixed herself – oh yeah, she was going to enjoy her Mac and Cheese out of a box and the sole remaining carrot stick in her fridge. It was delicious. Then after dinner she would – she would – she was pretty sure she had to sew a button on one of her jackets. And then she would watch a little TV. It had been a while since she had relaxed and there was probably something really good on that she'd missed.

She put her plate in the dishwasher and headed to her room to find that jacket with the missing –

"Oh hell!" she muttered as she turned around towards her front door. She wrenched it open and flipped the lid of her mailbox and grabbed the envelopes and junk mail inside of it.

She immediately headed to the kitchen where she threw everything on the counter. With a deep breath she began to sort through it.

_Donate your used items to help – _she tossed that aside.

_Let me sell your home_ – into the junk pile.

_Electric bill_ – sigh, into the bill pile

_Find your soul mate_ – "I have and the idiot refuses to talk to me", she muttered

_Major S. Carter_ – She stopped dead, staring at the envelope. She recognized that handwriting – how could she not.

With shaking hands she lifted it up closer, as if the lettering on the front would disappear if she let it out of her sight.

Oh God – he'd written to her! But what if all he said was not to write anymore, that he didn't want to hear from her.

Well, you're never going to know unless you open it Samantha! With a deep breath, and a quick prayer, she made her way to the living room. She then backtracked and grabbed a bottle of wine and a glass. She figured she needed to be in a comfortable place to open it _with_ a glass of wine to help deal with whatever was contained in the envelope.

She slit open the flap, using only her very shaky fingers. With another deep breath she pulled out the paper and slowly unfolded it.

_Dear Sam:_

_To say that I was surprised to get your letter today is an understatement. …._

By the time she was done reading his letter the tears were dripping down her face. It wasn't that there was anything sad in the letter – far from it – but she felt so happy he had written, and so sad that this was all they had now. She wiped her face and sniffed. Well, if this was all they were going to have together, then she was going to make the most of it. She stood up and found her paper and pen, and began to write.

Jack got into the habit of checking his mail at least three times a day. Kurt laughed at him, although he refused to respond. So what if he liked to check the mail, he told the younger man. It was important that they not miss out on any bills or important correspondence like – donation requests from charities.

Of course Kurt quickly caught on that the days that a certain letter – addressed to Col J. O'Neill – arrived, Jack bounced around with a constant grin on his face. He didn't say anything, knowing how private Jack was although he was pleased for his friend. He just wished Jack would call the damn woman and invite her over.

Jack had decided, after Kurt had inadvertently mailed that first letter, that he was just going to go with it and allow himself to write. So he found himself carrying around a tablet and paper, and jotting down thoughts and stories to send to Sam. It was easier doing it this way rather than trying to write an entire letter at one sitting. Besides saving him having to use his hand for long periods, it gave him the feeling that Sam was with him, almost the way she had been when they'd served together through the years. Anytime something would happen he'd wonder what Sam would think, and then he'd jot it down. It meant his letters were rather rambling and often disconnected, but they really let her know what his days were like. He also refused to use a computer, even thought Kurt bugged him about it. Somehow putting pen to paper made it feel more – personal.

And Sam started doing the same thing. She even took her notepaper off world with her and wrote there. Of course she was careful not to put anything in writing which was classified, but Jack would know what she was talking about. The first time he realized where she must be he laughed. He was probably one of the few people ever to receive a letter that had been written on a different planet.

And so the weeks went by. Jack found that his emotional wounds were slowly starting to heal along with the physical. He kept up his counseling sessions, which helped, even though he still wasn't at the point where he was able to tell Doc Ibrahim everything. Still, even being able to tell a bit was helpful – painful but helpful.

He knew that the letters had as much to do with his healing as did the Doc. And it wasn't just Sam's letters to him. His own letters – the opportunity to write down what he was feeling and thinking – were incredibly therapeutic. Of course he wasn't going to tell anyone that, especially since psychologists, doctors and friends had been telling him for years to start a journal.

But this wasn't a journal – it wasn't him talking to himself. These were letters to a dear friend, to someone who knew and understood him and some of what he'd experienced. It was funny – the fact was he missed Sam terribly, but he knew he would never have been able to share half the things with her in person as he did in his letters.

There was safety in talking to her this way. He didn't have to see her, or worry about how she'd see him or react. Instead he was able to confide in her through a paper and pen.

Not that he said anything too personal. He didn't talk about his experiences with Raijin and only spoke about his injuries to say that he was doing fine. Instead he simply spoke about his life – the ups and downs, the irritations and the small victories. There were no huge joys and there was little excitement, but life had become bearable. If he was not truly happy, at least he was surviving.

And there were certain things that did give him pleasure. Kurt was doing well and had met some friends and was working hard in collage. He'd decided to go into psychology and to aim at working with victims of accidents. He had also joined the wheelchair basketball team at the college and had decided he wanted to learn how to sail.

He was unstoppable and Jack was proud of him.

And the other thing that Jack was enjoying was the youth center. He'd gotten to know a few of the kids and they had begun to trust him. Barry Gold, the Director, had offered him full-time employment but he'd turned him down. He was still doing a lot of therapy and knew he wouldn't have the time. He also knew he wasn't strong enough, emotionally, to deal with things all day, everyday.

But he came regularly and the kids could count on him being there when he said he would. He'd also begun to take them with him on small excursions. For the most part it had been to places around Denver, often ending with going out for pizza (they never seemed to get tired of pizza). He had a plan though, for doing something a bit more exciting. He was just waiting on permission.

A few weeks after he and Sam started their correspondence he got a visit from his other two best friends, Daniel and Teal'c.

He hadn't been expecting them so when there was a knock on his door he went to open it, thinking it was one of Kurt's friends. Instead, when the door opened there was the smiling face of Daniel and the – not-smiling, but oh so dearly loved face of his very own Jaffa buddy.

"Daniel, Teal'c! How the heck are you? Come in, come in."

"You're sounding happy Jack", Daniel said, looking pleased.

"Indeed O'Neill. I have not seen you in such a mood for a long time."

"Yeah, well, spring is in the air and I'm alive so -" he shrugged. He wasn't about to tell them that he'd gotten a letter from Sam that day. They'd both decided not to say anything to the guys – or to anyone for that matter – about their correspondence.

"So, what brings the two of you here today?" Jack asked, inviting them in.

"You don't think we're here just to see you?" Daniel asked slyly.

Jack instantly felt guilty and turned toward his friend, but then caught the younger man's expression. "You _do_ want something", he said, his mood suddenly starting to deteriorate.

"Hey – we did really come just to see you", Daniel exclaimed when he saw Jack's face fall. "As we were leaving the General gave us a message for you, that's all."

"George?" Jack asked, feeling relieved. "How is he?"

"He is well O'Neill. Daniel Jackson is correct however. He and I had made the decision to come and visit you before General Hammond asked us to give you a message."

"I believe you big guy", Jack smiled. "But what's the message."

"He got word today from the -" he looked carefully around the room. "uh – from our allies. Jacob Carter is coming at the end of the week. He's bringing something from Thor, to try and help your injuries. The General wants you to come to Cheyenne on Thursday since I guess he can't bring whatever it is off base."

"What is it?"

"I don't know and neither does Janet or the General but it is from Thor so it should be good. But the General says it can't be taken out of the SGC – so you're to come in."

"I don't have clearance anymore", he said softly, looking down at his hands. His mood had definitely gone downhill. He didn't _want_ to go back to the SGC. It would bring up way too many memories and besides which, he could run into Carter. "I don't think I should."

"Come on Jack, you have to. This thing could really help you. It'll be worth it."

He bit his lip, unsure of whether to say anything or not, but eventually he knew he had to. "I can't – is Carter going to be there?"

Daniel shook his head and opened his mouth but was stopped by Teal'c, who reached out and grasped his arm.

"She does not have to be there", Teal'c told him. "She will understand."

"Like hell she'll understand", Daniel sputtered. "What is _wrong_ with you two? Jack, you could use this opportunity to talk with her. I'm sure she's been miserable and I've no doubt you have been too."

"He does not look miserable" Teal'c commented, looking searchingly at his friend.

"Daniel, leave it", Jack said angrily. "Sam and I know what we're doing. It's not a matter of _talking_. We are friends but we've decided it's best to be friends from a distance. I cannot see her – it's -", he stopped and took a deep breath. "And don't try anything or I will never speak with you again!"

Daniel looked at him in shock, but after a few seconds he nodded. "I'm sorry. Of course I won't do anything."

Jack sighed and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Look Danny, I appreciate what you're trying to do, and I know it's because you care. But the best thing you can do is simply respect our decision and – let us live our lives. You _don't _know all the details."

"Okay", Daniel nodded, as did Teal'c. "We'll tell General Hammond and I'm sure he can make sure that Sam is off on a mission or is taking a few days leave. It might be difficult though because she'll want to see her father."

"Damn", Jack muttered. He'd forgotten about that. "Well then, I'll go to the Infirmary and we don't have to tell her. Jacob can visit me and use this doohickey and then he can go and see Sam. I'll get out of there as quickly as possible."

"We can arrange that", Daniel nodded. "And don't worry – I promise not to try anything funny."

With that Jack had to be content. He was terribly nervous about going to Colorado Springs. Being away had allowed him some emotional distance, some time to heal, But he knew he was far from better and he was afraid that being back might cause him to relapse, or at the least to go into a depression.

He tried not to think about the thirst for revenge, which had grown in him over the last few months. At first he'd been too weak and broken to think much about the Goa'uld who had done this. Oh, he'd known he hated him but he hadn't had any thought of doing anything about it.

But now – now he wanted to go and kill the bastard – him and all his Jaffa. But the problem was, there was no way Jack was ever going to be up to going through the gate, or on any kind of a mission. He had no strength, no stamina and little hand coordination. He was sidelined for the rest of his life.

And going back to Cheyenne Mountain would bring that reality smack dab into his face. He didn't want to _see_ the SGC, or experience it or hell, he didn't even want to _smell_ the damn place – that combination of concrete and metal and duty and nacquada and camaraderie and adventure and – there was no point thinking about it anymore.

However, if he wanted to get any better at all then he needed to go in to try whatever this thing was that Jacob was bringing. He wondered briefly if he had a bottle of whiskey lying around somewhere. He rather thought he might need it before he headed in.

One good thing about this was he'd be able to speak to the General in person about his idea. He knew George found it much more difficult – not impossible – but more difficult to say no to him in person. He'd just have to convince the General that it was in a worthwhile cause. Jack grinned slightly. He was very good at wheedling his way into getting things he wanted.

"So, what would you like to do today?", Daniel asked, breaking into his train of thought.

"Mmm – how about we go jogging?" Jack asked seriously.

"Really?" Daniel looked at him with wide eyes, and then pushed his glasses up. "You can _jog_?"

"He cannot Daniel Jackson", Teal'c said earnestly. "His is pulling your finger."

"Uh – I think you mean 'leg' Teal'c. Pulling one's finger is something else entirely – something teenage boys do," Jack grinned. "Why don't we go grab some lunch and then we can just wander around or come back here. Mostly I just want to talk to you guys."

It was great seeing Daniel and Teal'c, although strangely it made him feel worse after they'd gone. Spending time with them made him realize, once more, how much he had lost when he'd been captured and tortured by Raijin.

He sighed and sat in his living room, the lights out and the TV quiet. Kurt was out so he allowed himself to grieve alone. For the first time he also allowed himself to hope – to hope that whatever Jacob brought could change his reality to what it once had been.


End file.
